Autopilot

Why is it that my toddler wakes up crying in her bed every single day?  Agh!  Hit Autopilot.   I can get through it.  The baby wakes up at 6:15 am; hit it.  Its fine, its fine, its fine…I can mentally check out for a while.  I don’t want to live my life on autopilot.  I really don’t.  Yet sometimes, it is necessary.  On Friday I went to the grocery store to grab a few things.  Groceries in hand, baby attached to me in the bjorn, toddler scurrying behind.  That’s the scene.  And, I’m nowhere to be seen in there because I have left the building, so to speak, and autopilot has taken over.   I hit autopilot when we have to run our errands.  “Hold my hand when we cross the street.”  “Stay close to me.”  “Put that back.”  “Over here.”   Cue the smile.  Cue the polite nod when a stranger coo’s at the baby.  The blank stare; that’s me. 

Sometimes I use it when I’m trying to get through bath time.  Someone is driving the bus, doing the motions, washing the butt, but it isn’t me; it is just a small piece of the real me.  During autopilot, I can sing songs, answer questions, and/or change diapers.  Convenient. 

But, autopilot isn’t good when I feel like I am in a constant state of pressing that button and flying blind.  Never a good thing.  It was kind of a rough week though.  I barely made it to the end of the week.  I barely crawled on my hands and knees to Friday evening.  I was so tired.  I needed something to wake me up from the monotony of life.  The baby had a cold, my toddler had a stomach ache, and I had an exhausted state of mind.  Snap out of it!

But then Saturday hit and things started to look up.  I went to an exercise class in the morning and then we drove out to Long Island to see friends in the afternoon.  We needed it.  We needed to see friends and chat and get out of the day to day grind; laundry, dishes, whining, crying; blah blah blah…… and I snapped out of it and made it to the other side.  I realized; everyone goes through the same things.  Everyone has to deal with whining and crying and hitting and pulling hair and it is ok.  Everyone does it and everyone hits autopilot from time to time.  Sometimes it is the only way to get through those moments; the not so wonderful moments.  The truth is, I cannot be playing hop scotch through the grocery aisle with my toddler.  Nor can I jump in the bath with my kids and enjoy a bath party.  No mom in the history of moms would do something like that.  I don’t think.  I cannot and will not embrace every single millisecond with my children.  It is just not possible.  But, I’m not alone.  Sometimes we have to let the second-rate moments be just that; simple, boring, run of the mill minutes that I hope pass quickly and get me to that wonderful 7:00 hour.  Bed. 

And then sometimes, we will have wonderful moments as a family and I will be extremely present and flying the plane with my eyes wide open.  Like tonight, I spent time with my toddler after the baby went to bed and we took happy, silly pictures together.  And, we had a ball. 

Or, this afternoon when we went to a carnival and I sat on the blanket tickling my little baby love.   

In the end, I allow myself to hit autopilot when I need to and I will not feel guilty for it.  It is necessary.  I am not a super mom.  Everything cannot be peaches and candy every single second of the day.  Sometimes my baby will need to get changed in the parking lot of babies r us.  Sometimes my toddler will throw herself around in public because she doesn’t want to leave the carnival. And I will get through those moments however I can.  I will use those minutes of autopilot when I can let the motions take over and my mental exhaustion can take a well-needed rest.  And when I have it good, I’ll take the wheel, put on my sunglasses….and let it soar!