Quiet Admiration

I just found out it is National Infertility Awareness week and this is so near and dear to my heart.  So many women struggle from infertility and the thought of some of these women struggling to get pregnant literally hurts my heart.  When I had miscarriage after miscarriage, after miscarriage, I too thought I would never hold my own baby.  But then deep down in the bottom of my heart, I knew I would.  I knew that I would do whatever I had to do, to have my baby.  And I did.  I never gave up on my chance.  We first found out we were pregnant in December 2005 and after much struggle and loss, my baby was finally born in June 2009.  It took a while (almost 4 years) and it was mentally draining on me, but it was worth the wait, that is for sure.  The truth is I truly wonder why infertility seems to be so prevalent these days.  Maybe now, we have a voice so we are talking about it more.  We have such a huge support system now as well.  Couples used to have to struggle behind closed doors in the past.  Now, there are groups, websites, doctors, friends, loved ones, etc who have information or who have gone through it.  And now…we aren’t afraid to talk about it.

Infertility statistics

• One in six couples is infertile. In 40 per cent of cases the problem rests with the male, in 40 per cent with the female, ten per cent with both partners, and in a further ten per cent of cases, the cause is unknown.
• Fertility problems strike one in three women over 35.
• One in 25 males has a low sperm count and one in 35 is sterile.
• For healthy couples in their twenties having regular unprotected sex, the chance of becoming pregnant each month is 25 per cent.
• The chance of conceiving in an IVF cycle is on average around 20 per cent (but varies due to individual circumstances).

  There are so many words that come to mind when thinking about infertility, anger, sadness, denial, exhaustion and guilt.  Couples, especially women, feel so much guilt when they can’t get pregnant.  They feel like the one thing they are ‘born’ to do in some sense, makes them feel less of a woman.  Not everyone feels that, but most women who really want a baby and can’t get pregnant, can have these thoughts.  That is how I felt actually.  I felt like a failure.  I felt stupid.  But then I started to read about infertility and saw that 67% of people treated for infertility will go on to have a baby.  So, I thought to myself, I have options if I need them. I have hope.   It isn’t the end.  Thankfully I didn’t have to do IVF treatments but that is not to say I wouldn’t do it if I had to.  I would have.  I would have shot up my stomach with every shot I could get my hands on.  I would have done it all.  I would have done it over and over again and spent every dime in my pocket. 

Most of my readers have families already, thank goodness.  But, if you are reading this and struggling to have a baby, please know your options, find support, and lean on family and friends.  It is an isolating feeling.  I remember going into chat rooms when I found out my first pregnancy was failing at 12 weeks and my fetus wasn’t going to make it much longer.  I wrote my story in a miscarriage chat site and someone wrote to me something that I will never forget.  She said, “I sit here crying for what you are going through but in quiet admiration of how strong you are to get through this.”  I will NEVER FORGET that quote for it got me through my most struggling times.  She was some lady from London; someone I never met or knew.  But, she more than anyone else, got me through it.  Because she knew!  She too had gone through a miscarriage at that time.  I didn’t feel alone.  With her mere words, she allowed me to think that I could be strong enough to get through it. It is the strength of the woman that I believe shows her true character.  And it is the woman who I BELIEVE can surpass any obstacle that stands before her.  Be strong. 

If you are sitting with your child tonight, hold them tight.  We all should appreciate what we have.  And if we can, help someone who is having trouble with our love, advice, hope and encouragement.  I know I will, because there was once a time in my life when I thought I would be watching TV on my couch without 2 monitors sitting on my coffee table.

Good Night.

Cleansing for Life

I have to say that I was a little skeptical to try this nutritional cleanse. 

I had been seeing posts on facebook from some old high school friends of mine about how they are so happy and healthy and they talked about nutritional cleansing and all of its benefits; like I said, skeptical.  Ya, ya, ya…  Sure, sure, sure…

They showed pictures of people before and after and I became intrigued. 

Hmmm, maybe I’ll email someone about it.

I emailed one of my old high school cheerleader friends and she said, “I’ll call you.”  I skirted the calls.  I was half interested at first. (Sorry Jaime).  I actually am pretty terrible with phone calls. If you know me, you know that about me.  I only talk to 2 people on the phone, my parents and my friend Megs from Seattle who I never see.  Sometimes my phone rings and I look at Chris and say, “why is this person calling me right now?”  He says, “Because they want to talk to you.”  Oh?!  Otherwise, I’m a texting rock star…ask anyone?!  Anyway, I thought about having to give up my Special K and banana every morning for breakfast as I skirted the calls.  I literally woke up looking forward to my breakfast.  Scrumptious!!!  And my COFFEE…MY COFFEE…MY starbucks, my dunkin donuts…my happiness…NOOOOOOOO.  I cannot do it.  I know I cannot do it!!!!!!!  What would I do at around 3 pm for my Starbucks run?  How would I cope?

Anyway, I hesitantly ordered a 30 day cleanse program from a company called Isagenix that I knew nothing about.  This is actually how I roll.  I just do things sometimes without thinking them fully through.  My mom researched it for me, (thanks Mom) and gave me the green light.  It was good, it was healthy, and I could do it.  My dad concurred.  It was not going to make me drop dead of a heart attack at age 33.  Check.  My mentor, Jaime also reminded me a couple of times to watch the videos and look at the information and I finally did it.  I started the program with one foot in and one foot out on April 2.

My one foot in is actually my right foot and it always gets me going.

Day 1 I was WEAK!  I literally had to pick up my head with my hands to get it off the couch by the end of the day.  It was like a bowling ball without my daily coffee.  I texted my old friend from High School (who was also doing the program) that night and said, “Maybe I am weak, but there is no way I can do this for 30 days, I’m starving!”

She texted back and said, “It gets better.  Give it 5 days.”  So I did. 

Day 2 and my head was a bowling pin. 

Day 3 and I felt like a bowling shoe.

Day 4 and I said to myself, “I think I can go bowling” My headache was gone and I started to feel something that people call, Energy.  Where did this come from?

Day 5 and I said to myself, “I definitely can do this” Both feet were in the door and I was completely on board.  I started to feel great.

Here I am finishing up day 21 and I have never felt better…

Here is what I have to say about it.  It is hard; there is no doubt about that.  You need willpower.  BUT, if you can follow directions, you can do it.  See, I’m a rule follower.  Just ask my husband.  If he is going over the speed limit, I’ll put my police cap on and say, “You are speeding!!!”  I cried last week at the borough office of my town because I got a summons in the mail for not registering my alarm system.  “You don’t understand,” I said to him, “I actually follow rules.  I didn’t know!!! I cannot live with getting a summons in the mail!!”  He felt bad but couldn’t do anything about it.  I registered my alarm system and will appear at court and be 5 minutes early.  I know how to follow rules and so I can do this.  They give you a shopping list and a schedule.  Easy!  I must also say that the shakes are delicious.  I have one for breakfast and lunch and feel full and satisfied.  I never thought that would be possible, but it is! 

ANYWAY… If you want to find your best self somewhere in there, you can do it.  I am cleansing for my body but also my mind and my soul.  I am a better mom because I am a more relaxed and happy person without the jittery feeling I got from my daily coffee fix.  My kids are actually having less tantrums, probably because I am having less tantrums.  ha!  I feel fresh, nourished, and strong.  Nourished is the key word here because I think I was completely lacking some of the daily necessities for good health; vitamins and nutrients.  For once, I know what to do and I can do it.  I am amazed at the difference I feel and the different person I am becoming; energized and motivated and actually very positive.  I am thankful that I took a chance and decided to make a positive change.  I am 9 pounds lighter but 100 pounds happier. 

Let me know if you want to try it.  Inbox me if you want to jump on a 3-way CALL!  ---with my mentor Jaime and I.  In the meantime, visit the website for more information!!!  If you were thinking about it, you should try it.  I feel very thankful that I took a leap of faith and landed somewhere in between happy and healthy.

www.isagenix.com

Vigil-ant

Yesterday the girls woke up at the same time.  My 3 year old went into my 1 year olds room and wanted to snuggle in her crib with her.  They jumped and played together, snuggled and laughed.  Then I yelled out, “It’s errand day!!!” –and they clapped.  I laughed.  I mean, when on earth would errand day be fun for anyone, except to these babies??  I yelled it out again and they clapped harder and I laughed harder.  “Dry cleaners, bank, and food store!!”  “YAY,” they screamed.  This was a moment when I truly believed the older people who tell me it will go fast and these are the best years.  This was a moment where I watched my 2 beauties playing together and clapping and I thought all was right in the world…

When I heard the news about Boston later that day, I didn’t know what to think.  But, as the news continued and I started to hear the story, I thought “no, all is not right in the world.”

I let the news roll on my TV all afternoon and of course, like everyone, my heart sank and fear replaced contentment.

My bubble feels safe most times as I jet around town.  I don’t get nervous when I drop off my daughters with a neighbor or at school.  But it is times like this that remind me that I should be; maybe not fearful but vigilant.  Vigilant is a word that I heard all through my 20’s after 9/11.  I remember President Bush standing at the podium urging us to stay “Vigilant!”  Vigilant is a word most often forgotten as we live our lives.  Who is going to check the garbage can at the Central Park zoo for anything peculiar?  But, we live in a world in which the word ‘vigilant’ should be our way.  Because as those runners got up in the morning, their only thoughts were, “can I do this?”  They weren’t thinking, “Will a bomb go off as I cross the finish line?”  They weren’t running and looking at the sidelines for anyone suspicious.  They were running toward that finish line.  One goal.  A joyous occasion, a milestone in their lives, has been crushed thanks to nameless cowards…thanks to evil.  But evil doesn’t win.  Good always wins in the end.  We all know that.  

 

Who knows what else to say about this…? 

My husband hugged me last night before bed and asked what was wrong.  “I’m scared,” I replied.  “Of what?”  Of everything.  Of being unlucky. 

Yesterday afternoon, I took my kids to the park.  I needed to get out of the house and away from the TV as much as them.  As we were walking, my 3 year old daughter said, “It’s a beautiful, beautiful day today!!”  She lifted her head up toward the sun and said, “Feel the sun on your face.”  We walked slowly to the park and I let the sun hit my face as I prayed for everyone in Boston.  Later, as I held my 1 year old daughter and watched my 3 year old slide down the slide, I felt a moment of peace for me and my girls and then sadness for anyone who is suffering, bittersweet.        

Errand day, park slides and a picnic outside for lunch today.  With children, you have to forget about everything else and focus on them.  They smiled.  I smiled.  And, all is right in my world and for that, I am grateful and lucky.

Prayers to anyone who has been affected from the Boston Marathon.  My heart literally hurts for you.

Shelf Space

My husband said to me the other day, “I feel like I’m competing for shelf space.”  Shelf space?  I didn’t know what that meant at first but then I got it.  (It always takes me a second).  Am I remembering the space marked “wife?’  The role of a woman is so multi-faceted.  It is amazing and hard…amazingly hard.  To be able to, simply stated, spread ourselves and our love is a constant battle.  Someone or something may suffer at times; our hair, our sense of humor, or our husbands?  It is a toss up.  I know I forgot that my sense of humor was behind the gluten-free recipe book in aisle 2.  I found it when the sun came out.  Wait, laughter is somewhere over here…

Our shelves are so full, how do we make sure everyone gets everything they need at a reasonable price?

I think about my shelf space; I was a workingwoman turned mother of 2 in the blink of the eye.  My shelf used to have neatly folded working clothes but have been restocked with diapers, wipes, and ‘mom’ jeans.  One shelf used to be labeled “Chris” but is now labeled “MISCELLANEOUS.”  That shelf is now filled with numbers for the pre-school, where to get the best little girl jewelry and books that start with the title, “How to reduce tantrums…” Sorry Chris.  I labeled it Miscellaneous because I am extremely unorganized.  That is another shelf altogether called, “Get Organized Noreen.”  I won’t even get my label maker out of the sealed box to do that label.  I’ll write it with blue pen that has 2 dribbles of ink left or a purple marker found in ‘clutter’ section.  Priorities.

My point is, we have so much on our mind.  All of us.  Whether we are businesswomen or mothers or both, our shelves are packed with things and ideas and hopes.  We are trying to do it well and that is a tough task to accomplish.  Sometimes, at this stage in life, the best way we can show our best “wife” shelf is to remember to buy his favorite deodorant.  Or to cook his chicken well done the way he likes it.  And sometimes, the best we have has to be enough for everyone.  It has to be.  The kids have to be ok with the fact that my “healthy dinner recipe” shelf is being scribbled over for “how to make chicken nuggets in less than 2 minutes.”  And sometimes we have to shift priorities throughout our life.  The “ambition” role has to be put on hold for “raising little humans” role.  We have to make it work, find our stride, and organize our life in terms of priorities.  Only then will be able to feel satisfied with where we are and what we are doing. 

The woman.  She must do it all.   She is so strong and even if everyone else falls apart, she won’t. (At least not in the thick of it).  I think about the different roles she must juggle and how she never gives up on her task.  And somehow…she gets it done, all with 2,000 things running through her mind.  No matter where she is in life, she is able to put one foot in front of the other and do her jobs at the best of her ability.  If something suffers, she can readjust and try to make sure everyone is happy.  For me, even though my shelf space is a little disorganized it is always marked with the best intentions.     

I know I must make the “Chris” aisle a little bigger and wider.  But I think it might have to bump the “sleep” aisle, which is 2 lanes deep.  Priorities!  Either way, we all have to try and reorganize our lives so that our space makes sense to our families and us.  Think about your shelf space.   What can you reorganize today?