Truth-telling

The hardest thing about being a stay at home mom/dad or a part-time working mom/dad from home is the idea of “the break.” When is that break coming? When can I put my feet up, hold a cocktail and read my book without someone sitting on top of my face? When will that moment arrive? Is it safe to say it is few and far between?

When we become moms, we kind of throw out the idea of having hobbies, don’t we? I mean, we still have hobbies, but we really don’t have time to execute those hobbies. Do you read, do you like to cook, do you crochet? What do you do? Rather, what do you wish you could do?

I don’t have family close by. I can’t just drop off my kids anywhere. I need scheduled time off. I need to put it on the calendar for weeks for it to be something that I can do, by myself. It is just the way it is and it is ok. It is what we signed up for…right? But, sometimes….I need more than an hour here or there, a quick run to get my eyebrows waxed or quick dance class. It’s good. But, sometimes I need more. Is that safe to say? I feel like if we don’t get a little more, we can become a little bitter. I’m not saying we are bitter toward our children. I’m not at least. They are so cute and squeezable and they aren’t here to destroy my inner soul. They are amazing little girls and they will never be a burden to me or my heart. But teaching them and caring for them takes a lot out of us. I am constantly thinking, “wow, is it meal time again? Do I have feed them again?” i.e. fight with them so they can eat their broccoli. In the mornings as I lay in bed, I think to myself, “Is it already time to get up and get them dressed?” i.e. fight with them to put down the Elsa costume dress to wear to school. I look at the clock and huff a little bit because I’m human, pregnant and tired. “Yes, it is time to do it all again.” Yes, we have to do it again. We have to break up the fights and cook the meals, drop off and pick up. Put on your mask, it is time to be MOM.

And there are some lovely moments in our days. I love watching them when they play so nice. I love seeing the smiles on their faces when they are doing something they love. I love getting little kisses and hugs throughout the day. YES! All great. Such a blessing. But then, there are some not so lovely moments too. Truth? They are fighting a lot lately and whining immensely. It is just the way it is…

It is called parenting.

I say all this and talk about breaks because I don’t know if someone who isn’t in my exact shoes, i.e. a stay at home, (part-time working) mom, understands. It is hard to see the truth when you just don’t know. I am not complaining. I am truth-telling. If you haven’t been in it or through it, you just don’t know that when we don’t see a “break” on the horizon, it is easy to give in to those feelings that don’t look good on you. I don’t wear them well with the crinkled eyebrows and hands on hips, HUFF! This is not to say that you are a bitter person. I’m not. But, I can tell the truth that sometimes I feel a little exhausted. Because sometimes I need a break, and maybe a little fun. After 5 months of vomiting, I think it would be nice to have a little time to decompress. We all do.

I am telling my truth. I understand that working moms have their own truths as well, as do working dads. I’m sure they feel like they don’t spend enough time with the kids and feel enormous amounts of guilt when they do something for themselves. We all have our own set of everyday plights. You know why, because we all deserve our own balances. And I’m not talking about maintenance, ie. an eyebrow wax. I’m talking about balance. We all need it. Husbands, wives, caregivers, stay at homes, working moms, and everyone in between. We all need our own “breaks.” It is something to look forward to. It is deserved. We deserve it.

Go on with your day and don’t forget to tell your truth. Sometimes we just need to talk about it aloud. Sometimes we just need someone to understand and lend an ear and/or a hand. We all need to keep the parent role separate from ourselves. We all need a little love, some understanding and a little break to remind us of who we are and why we are here. I hope a “break” is on the horizon for you. If it isn’t, get it on the calendar. I’ll join you!

The Glass Ceiling

How much of how our children behave is nature and how much is nurture? I am not a geneticist. I am basing this strictly off of being a parent to a 5 year old and a 3 year old, who are extremely different. Is the plot of their story already written in utero? Is my 5 year old destined to love music and art and my 3 year destined to be a gymnast? Maybe?! There is something ingrained in our children, things that we cannot change nor should we want to. True? My 5 year old came home from school and said that her favorite special activity is music. This completely makes sense to me. Based on what she has loved to do since birth, listen to music, dance around the living room, and sing songs. It is in her genes. I don’t want to change those things about her. They make her who she is and that is a beautiful thing.

 

But what about how they behave? How much of an influence do we have on them and how much can be taught? For example, my 5 year old is a little bit shy. She doesn’t love big groups or big parties. She gets a bit over stimulated. For a long time, she took a while to warm up to people, even family. But, we worked on it, every single day. We talked to her about being friendly and making friends. We gave examples on how to make friends and be warm to others. We showed her how to be friendly by example. We consistently reminded her to say hi to her friends, open up, talk, and laugh. She may be shy by nature, but it was the nurture that is helping her shine. Today, she isn’t scared to go up to people and say hi. She is making new friends in Kindergarten and although she still likes to play by herself, she is letting people in little by little. I believe she has broken through her own glass ceiling.

We can’t let who we are be an excuse for what we can be. I don’t think we need to make excuses for ourselves. “Well, I’m shy so I can’t…..” With hard work and growth, shy can become open.

Our habits become us. And sometimes when we are in bad habits, it starts to take over our personality. The same can be said about good habits. They become us. For my daughter, a habit of hanging out alone has been replaced by making an effort to play with others. And although she is who she is, I believe she is becoming a better version of herself. There is something to be said about the lessons that our children learn at home, about feedback and reinforcement. There is something to be said about consistency.

 

Can it be the same with discipline?

 

Studies suggest that many temperamental and behavioral tendencies are ultimately 30 to 50 percent genetic. So the answer is yes. We can help shape behavior. We can’t say my daughter throws tantrums and there is nothing I can do about it. I believe healthy discipline can change it. My daughter started to throw a tantrum yesterday after dance class because she wanted to go to the playground. I completely understood her frustration. I know she wanted to go, but I gave her reasons why we couldn’t. She continued to start to cry and raise her voice. You know, at 5, I’m thinking, “no, this is not appropriate.” It just isn’t. When we got in the car, I said to her, “I understand why you are upset and you are allowed to be upset. But, the way you acted after dance is not appropriate… so when we get home there will be consequences for those actions.” She wasn’t allowed to watch TV for the rest of the night. We came home, did homework, ate dinner, and then went to bed. She was a doll for the rest of the night. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do or not. But, I do believe that they should learn that there are always consequences when you act inappropriately in school, at home, or even after dance class, whenever. She isn’t big to throw tantrums, but I do think that they can show their frustrations in other ways at this age. Maybe I’m wrong? I don’t know. I just try to do what feels right. And the truth is, I have no clue. I’m ok with that, because she is a really good little girl.

 

Genes may represent a range of possibility. It defines how we look and what we love to do deep in our hearts. But, they do not define everything about us. We still have a lot of say in our children’s lives. Nature as genes gives us a template, a lined one and we write the words on it. Our job as parents is to color our children’s lives, to make them see farther than we could, to make them strive harder than we did, to make them fulfill their own dreams and desires all the while by being in touch with their own humanity. Is there a glass ceiling? Only if we choose to have it. We have the ability to help them become anything they want to become, by teaching them to break through their own glass ceilings, the barriers that hinder them from rising higher. And they will go high. They will rise up and reach for the stars.

Our nature doesn’t define us. Our ability to be our best selves, does.

Balance

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
~Robert Breault

I watched my daughter run all the way to school this morning. I’m like, “where does she get the energy?” They just go all day long, from morning to their head hits that pillow. I can barely keep up. I’m a stay-at-home mom so I don’t really get to close my eyes and breathe. I find moments, for sure, but it is the time when it is all about the kids. Or, it is a lot about the kids. But it is about me too. It has to be. The “self” will thrive when the “self” is nourished.

Last night I was so tired around 6:30 that I threw myself on the bed and hoped that they would watch at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted television. Please no asking for water or milk or snacks. Please pretend I don’t exist. I love that lady that put the bag over her head and her kids knew not to bother her. I need a bag. I’d bag anything to get a minute. Is this the “self” I speak about?!

Nah! Don’t bag your “self!”

I know these are the little things that the quote is talking about, watching my girls run to school, getting to see all the little, everyday things. I know I’ll look back and laugh at my face down self wishing for a moment of peace and then I’ll say a little wish to myself, wanting to throw myself back there. Perhaps. I say perhaps because maybe I will just try to enjoy every minute of every day and not look back. Maybe I will try not to look forward either. Maybe I will just try to look at the moments of now. This is all that we have. And maybe I’ll make it all about the kids. And maybe I’ll also find time to make it about me. Balance!

I’m actually pretty aware of the little things that are big things. I’m aware that when my 3 year old shakes her bootie and gets low to the ground, that this is big. (Even though my mom thinks it’s kind of inappropriate). Ha! I know when my 5 year old goes to gymnastics and looks up to where I’m sitting to give me a thumbs-up, it is so big. I know she has overcome an obstacle. Huge! I know when I pick her up from school and she starts with, “Guess what!”—I know it is big because I know that phrase means happiness. I know it is good. I’m trying to realize all of this so I don’t have to look back with any sort of regret. Let’s forget about regret and mom-guilt and all the nonsense. Let’s just try our best to find the best sort of balance we can by understanding that our everyday lives are everything. And in those everyday lives, our “self” can emerge freely.

Now that I am out of the morning sickness fog, I am seeing clearer. I’m trying to enjoy it. I don’t want to say, “after I give birth I’ll enjoy it more because I can have a glass of wine,” or “when I’m in better shape,” or “when I can stay up later,” etc, etc, etc. I don’t want to have to wait until….

So I won’t.

I’m enjoying the now. I’m holding hands with my little girls. I’m hugging. I’m enjoying my life. I’m getting the best sort of exercise that I can while pregnant. I am doing the Bar Method, bending and stretching and breathing. I am focusing on the moments when I can be by myself and breathe, while trying to keep myself in shape. I love it. I think it is keeping me centered too. Anything that allows you to stay in the moment is something that I will always gravitate toward. Positivity. If you can find that sort of peace in your everyday life, then I think you are finding a way to live your best everyday life.

Be there for your children, but be there for yourself too. Find something in your life that gives you positivity and allows you to breathe.

And although it is easy to get bogged down with the grind. It is easy to forget why we do what we do. It is easy to succumb to the 5:00 pm witching hour with the tears and the tantrums. It is easy to think that it’s too hard, not enough or too much. Try and remember to make the best of what you have got. Do the best for yourself and your body and your children of course.

Remember that it isn’t just about them though. It is about you too.

Extraordinary Kindness

“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives…

Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life…

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.” –Author Unknown

Sometimes, the ordinary is the extraordinary. Human life.

I think about my grandpa, who is 94 years old and will whistle in his hospital bed. He is having a hard time as of late, but you would never know during the moments that he feels well. He is happy. He has always been happy and positive; a true light of life. I have never met anyone since who has loved life as much as him. I think about how he told me years ago, not to worry about where you are/live as long as you are surrounded by people who lift you up. “We didn’t have a lot,” he said, “but we had a lot of fun.” Those words made me move from Connecticut and back to where our friends and family lived. We stayed there for a little while and then created a life of our own here. And we have met wonderful people along the way, true friends. I think about the fact that I have the most fun, when I’m with kind and loving people, when someone makes me laugh and/or understands me. To me, that’s the life. I want my kids to feel that. I don’t want them to find pleasure in things but in people’s hearts and humor. Sometimes when my daughter gets home from school, the first thing I ask her is who she met/played with/connected with. I try to hold off on lectures and lessons about trivial things. Yesterday my daughter said that someone made her laugh when they said “poopie underwear.” I think that is kind of funny. I let her laugh even though it’s gross and saved the potty lecture for another time. Who cares. I want her to feel true connections with people. The learning will come. The reading will come. The math will come. The lessons are always there. It will all be here. I am not the Mom that boasts about early reading or writing or over-achieving. I know that will come with time. I think my children are extraordinary no matter what. That’s my job and my right. But, the social aspect of life is something to be taught, kindness about all. If you aren’t kind to others, what do you have? Nothing. We have all made mistakes before. I know I have. But, what we can do as humans is forgive and allow ourselves to be forgiven. Move on. That is extraordinary.

My grandpa loved people and stories and connections. That is where he shined, in his kindness.

Maybe my children will shine in some things, but maybe they won’t. Maybe they will just be ordinary throughout life. To me, there is nothing wrong with that. If they can make the ordinary feel extraordinary, then I think I’ve done my job. Maybe they won’t be the best athletes. Perhaps they will write and read at grade level and nothing above. But that is ok, as long as they are happy, kind and feel genuine connections. As long as they come alive when they are doing what they love. That is extraordinary and then out of that, will be success. There is something to be said about living the simple life, teaching the simple lessons, learning invaluable lessons.

When everything gets overblown and we feel like we aren’t doing enough for our children, remember that enough is what you are doing every day. If you are teaching your children that our ordinary every day is actually extraordinary. They will never need anything more. They will shine in their own right.

After all, we are leading an ordinary life. We are doing ordinary things. But, I hope that kindness leads us to extraordinary places.