We used to live in a different world. Back when I was young, if I got a bad grade,
my parents would look at me and say, “What happened? Why did you get a bad
grade” Now, as I hear from a lot of my teacher friends, if a student gets a bad
grade, the parents call the teachers and say, “What happened? Why did my child get a bad grade?” The answer is plain and simple; in both cases
the student didn’t do the work. But now,
who’s responsible? In a new world filled
with attachment parenting and coddling with a lack of punishment and repercussions,
I want to make sure that my girls don’t grow up a certain way, with one word in
mind, Entitled.
When to say when
If my daughter wants a hamburger for breakfast, I say
no. Seems simple enough. It isn’t a breakfast food and so it doesn’t
make sense to me. On that note, I spent
the day with one of my best friends last weekend and her mother and I asked my
friend’s mother what she would do if her 3 year old daughter asked for a
hamburger for breakfast. “I would give
it to her,” she said. Hmmm. That’s interesting. “Why?”
I needed to soak in all of this new information. “Because she doesn’t know what time of day it
is. It has nutritional value and if she
eats that instead of a waffle, at least she is eating.” She went on to say something pretty strong
and it had a profound effect on me. She
said, “Save your insistence for things that really matter.” Like what?
“Like…running in the street, playing with scissors, hanging from
chandeliers….”
Ok. Here’s the
thing. Having a hamburger for breakfast
is on my “matters” list. I just can’t. If I say yes to a hamburger, will she expect
a cupcake for lunch? And then, what if
she expects that balloon at CVS every time we go because I am saving my
insistence for the BIG things? What’s the line? Where do I draw it? Ok, yes to hamburger, yes to balloon, yes to
a later bedtime? When can we say
no? Never??! My point is, if you save your insistence for
the things that really matter, the BIG things, what will everything else
become? A Yes?!!! Will she expect it all? Will she become entitled? Will she blame her bad grade on the teacher?
Giving up control
I of course, am an extreme analyzer so forgive me. I know what my friend’s mom is thinking, “I
didn’t say yes to everything!” I know. But,
she raised 4 beautiful children so I’m just trying to figure out the secret to
parenting. I’m also trying to find the
invisible line. The thing is I am a
little too strict with my 3 year old right now.
I’m trying to set boundaries and show her who is in charge. I want to make sure she respects her parents
and understands that you cannot get everything you want in this world. If you do, you will end up thinking your s&it
don’t stink…and it does child. It really
stinks! All of our s%it stinks.
So anyway, I repeated this new mantra to myself. “Save your insistence for things that really
matter.” I needed to let it sink into my
brain for another second. Because, as I
have realized, the hardest thing we have to do as parents is, give up
control. It happens early but with
little things and then eventually disappears and our children are adults and
running their own lives. But, we do have
to start early. I have to start
now. For example, the other day when I
asked my daughter to get dressed and she said “NO!” I said, “Ok, let me know
when you are ready to get dressed,” instead of insisting we get dressed when I
say it’s time. If she spends the morning
in her pj’s, so be it. She did. It was ok with me. I then said that she should use the potty
before we go downstairs. “I don’t have
to go.” Ok, she just held it in all
night long and it is now 10:00 am and she still didn’t go, but ok. Whatever.
I won’t press. She went when we
went downstairs and she got dressed10 minutes before we had to leave for school
at 12:15. But, she ate her breakfast all
up. I insisted. And she didn’t cause a stink about it because
she controlled another part of her life and I let her.
The Line
The line is safely tucked in between ‘giving up control’ and
‘when to say when.’ You can see it with
a magnified glass held close to your right eye with the correct luminosity. It’s hard to find. But, it is there. It is somewhere between a hamburger and
getting dressed for school. It is
somewhere between a CVS balloon and understanding that you cannot get
everything you want in life. It is there
and we have to decide what is worth a yes and what we need to insist is
not.
For me, I will learn to give up a little control and let my 3
year old daughter enjoy some. But, she
will learn how to hear the word no and often. She will not have a hamburger for
breakfast. And when she gets a bad grade
in school, I will look her directly in the eye and say, “What happened? Next time you will study harder.” And she will.
At least I hope she will.
