The 'Off' Button

I’m tired today.  I have a headache.  Can I push the “off” button?  Wouldn’t that be convenient?  An ‘off’ button.  Someone needs to invent that for me.  Push a button and suddenly, four walls come around you and nobody can bother you.  I don’t want to be greedy or anything, but an hour seems sufficient. 

That’s the thing, when do we ever get to turn it off?  For me, it’s never.  And today, I want that out.  Yesterday I was a beast.  Truly.  I felt like such a bad mom.  Short tempered and growling; just ugly.  My 3 year old was being fresh.  My baby was clawing at my neck and scratching me profusely.  Everyone was hanging on me and one point and I yelled, “Everybody off.  Now!”  Looking back, I felt like that was kind of short and sharp but I really needed my personal space back at that very moment. I just needed everybody to not hang on me for one millisecond.  The truth is, at 1:00 pm I had 5 hours to get through and about 2 hours of reserved patience.  What happens then?  Where do we go to survive?  The closet?  Nope, too small.  Under the covers?  My little girl will find me there.  I guess I’m at a standstill. 

The past few days, people started sending me such sweet quotes about motherhood and I soooo wanted to write something beautiful and memorable but I really don’t feel like it.  Today, I feel like venting.  Is that ok?  Everything isn’t going to be butterflies and roses all the time.  Sometimes, I’m going to talk about the smelly poop.

Did anyone warn us about the 3’s?  I feel like I always heard about the terrible two’s but we sailed through those.  Now, I’m getting major TUDE!  I’m hearing “no” about everything I say.  She is not listening like she used to and I have to repeat myself a million times.  It is exhausting at moments.  Other times however, I can handle it like it is a walk in the park.  I guess it all depends on how I’m feeling at the time, my mood.  For the most part, I try and be positive but I’m allowed to be ‘off’ sometimes, right?  Can I be?  Please tell me yes.  Please tell me I’m allowed to have bad days.        

On an ‘off’ day, motherhood can be soo physical and soo emotional.   Right?   

It is physical in the sense that my back hurts from carrying, lugging and schlepping.  But, it is emotional in that I’m tired from repeating, struggling, and managing. 

It is physical in the sense that I have a headache, scratches all over my neck, and a stubbed toe from leaping to catch my 10 month old before she toppled off the fireplace.  But, it is emotional in that I feel guilty for yelling and wanting an out and tired from never getting a break.

It is physical and emotional. 

But, it is beautiful and wonderful.  It is exhausting and tiring and everything in between. 

I’m going to dust myself off now, take a Tylenol, and power through the rest of the day.  I need to take a step back and reassess.  Maybe then I’ll see the positive.  Maybe she will be waving her arms in the air and telling me that she was right here all along.  And, I’ll say, “Oh, I didn’t see you there.”  She’ll smile that big bright smile and say, “welcome back.” And then I’ll sock her.

 In the end, I guess motherhood is all about that; trying to stay positive, finding the joy in the days and trying HARD to push through those rough moments.  Repeating that mantra.  Personally, I need to tell myself that it is quite alright to have an off day too.  It does not define me. 

No, that doesn’t define me at all.  What defines me is how I handle those ‘off’ moments.  That I recognize them and change them.  And more importantly, that I forgive myself for having them and move on.