After that ordeal, my husband and I decided to take a little time. We took a vacation. We tried (me especially), to get through the rain and come out better and brighter. We decided to hope. I tried to focus on the positive that came out of it; how strong I was inside. Because, although I talk about the pain I felt both physically and mentally, I never showed it. And, I focused on how much closer my husband and I became after going through that together; the trials and tribulations of life. I tried very hard to see the rainbow through the rain. And, I did. Because, 6 months later, I was ready to try again…so we did.
In October 2006, I found out I was pregnant again. Nervous is not even the right word for how I felt because it was so so much worse. Major anxiety coupled with white coat syndrome was not a good combination. I was experiencing the whole nine. I just couldn’t relax; understandably so. I feared another sick baby; another impossible situation. I tried to tell myself that it would be ok. But, I just couldn’t convince myself.
At my first scan, I was 7 weeks and the baby measured right on target. The doctor came in and looked at my chart. “You went through a lot, didn’t you?” Understatement. “Well,” she said, “don’t you know lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice?!” I’ll never forget that statement. I’ll never forget the way she said it. I’ll never forget how it made me feel. I will never forget it for the rest of my life. It gave me the slightest bit of hope. Tears streamed down my face. My baby would be ok? “You have a 95% chance that everything will be ok,” she continued. Wow. 95%. That is pretty high. What are the chances that I’ll be in that 5%? Well…that doctor didn’t know me and the odds… Over the next few weeks and months and years, I played that statement over and over again in my head. I still do. Because even though it wasn’t true for me at that time, it still gave me something to hold on to.
We decided not to tell anyone this time. We learned our lesson. So, we kept it to ourselves, and thankfully so because 3 weeks later, that baby was gone. As fast as we started hoping was as fast as it slipped away. It was a Sunday. I told my husband, “I need to go to the hospital…NOW!” I knew it was the end. I didn’t even need to stay overnight because it happened so quick. I was home by the evening. It was over, the baby was gone and I was not ok. How do you get through this sort of pain? Wanting something so bad that is within reach…but never within grasp. I didn’t think I would make it.
After that, my husband and I decided to take another long mental break from the situation. We were young and needed to enjoy life. I also made big changes in my life. I quit my job in Human Resources and found a career helping children with learning disabilities. I never looked back. I found comfort in it. I was good at it. I loved it. And, it got me through it. The people, the children, the work…it made me better. It helped me become who I was meant to be. It got me closer to my ultimate goal…happiness. Working in such a positive atmosphere helped get my mind off everything for a while. But, it stayed on the back burner. A baby. I would think about it constantly and would yearn for it every day of my life.
In September 2007, I found out I was pregnant again; but, not for long. It was a chemical pregnancy and it was gone by the next week. If I wasn’t trying, I probably wouldn’t even have known it was there. For some reason though, this one hit me the hardest. I remember talking to my dad on the phone and asking, “why me? why me?” A question I asked myself a million times over. My husband and I were good people and we wanted a baby. Why couldn’t we have one? Everyone else at that time was getting pregnant and having babies. Some of my friends couldn’t even tell me that they were having babies, because they knew the pain was just too much to bear. But, others rubbed their bellies in front of me. “Look how big I am,” they would say. I would never begrudge anyone of their happiness. But it was hard to see. Hard to bear. I would cry in the bathroom at dinner. Or, smile and bring a gift when a baby was born, and then go home to the emptiness I felt inside. My dad gave me comforting words and comforting love, as I cannot imagine how much it also affected him or my mother; to see their daughter in so much pain. Or my husband; trying to be the rock but silently wondering why as well? It must have been hard to see; hard to endure.
During those years, trying to have a baby was like grasping at straws. Trying to find a way to succeed when nothing was working. To be so close….reaching, reaching, reaching and failing, failing, failing…
After the third miscarriage, I needed time again to recuperate. I needed to relax and forget about it. To truly be able to define myself without a baby in mind. To focus on something else; the good in my life. To be ok with the fact that I might never be able to have a baby. To come to terms with the fact that it might just be me and Chris. And, that was more than enough.
So, I continued to work hard and I continued to lean on certain people who cared. But, over time, all of those feelings came tumbling back. Deep down, I knew it was all I wanted. So, I took steps to get there. I saw specialists and found a place that was able to hold my hand through it all. After extensive testing, the specialist found the cause of my problem…bad luck. Bad odds. They told me that I will have a baby one day…and that was all I needed hear. I was able to mentally relax because I was in good hands. I pictured the best and found that good place in my heart. And that is when it happened. It happened when my heart was ready.
In September 2008, exactly one year later, I got pregnant. I’ll never forget the phone call from the doctor. She said, “I have good news. You are pregnant and your numbers look amazing.” I’ll never forget how I felt either. Because, this one felt right; from the very beginning. The vomiting felt right…even though it wasn’t pretty. My belly looked normal. Each scan, I made myself breathe and let go. Breathe and let go…. I didn’t fear the doctor this time because I knew it would be ok. I was in the right place. The right point of my life. My baby was waiting for me to be ready. I’m sure of it.
On June 24th, 2009, my bouncing bundle of baby joy finally graced my presence. After 4 long years…my angel had come from heaven to save me. And she did. She saved me. She fulfilled every hope and desire that I ever had. And I held her in the hospital and couldn’t believe she was mine. This little sweet thing was mine. Those little hands, those lips, that heart….was mine…and I would never be the same…
Two years after that, my second little angel came out full force with loud fiery cries and big whopping cheeks. She came from God with a big personality and a blissful disposition. She would make me a mother of 2; something I never thought could possibly happen.
*************************************************************************************Three weeks ago, I was with my toddler at her school and one of the mom’s was asking me if I had any other children. I told her I had a 7 month old baby at home. She asked, “Are you having any more?” I answered, “I don’t think so.” She replied, “Oh come on….you are so young…do it.” I smiled politely, gracefully nodded, and thought to myself. If you only knew…
If you only knew how far I’ve come.
If you only knew what I went through.
If you only knew how long I waited to become a mom.
If you only knew how many years I spent grasping at straws.
If you only knew how completely filled up I am inside.
If you only knew how lucky I feel to have 2 little hands to hold through life.
If you only knew…that in my entire life… I will never ever need…another thing more…..
I had no idea and I loved every word!
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