Last weekend, my husband and I had a late night out with our friends and my parents watched the girls. When we got home, I went to grab the monitors from their room and found my 2 ½ year old neatly tucked in bed between my mom and dad. GASP! Face red, blood pressure raised; I tried to keep myself in check as I got into bed. It was hard. I knew in the morning I would have to have an adult conversation with my mommy and daddy about boundaries. Yikes! My girls, my rules…right? I mean, she doesn’t even sleep in bed with us unless she is sick. And, I mean, running to the bathroom vomiting sick. (Which actually happened last night—Blah!) Anyway, the conversation went a little like this, “we tried, we tried, but….yadda yadda yadda, etc etc etc… And I think they did try. But, 2 ½ year olds sure can manipulate a situation and the grandparents are nearly helpless. Because, when we walk in the door to grandma and grandpa’s house, I know we have entered, “the buffer zone.”
“The buffer zone” is where grandma and grandpa become buffers between me (the disciplinarian) and my daughter. Mom grows devil horns and grandma and grandpa grow halos. I am the fun police, if you will. I blow that whistle and reign in the fun. The grandparents, susceptible to my daughter’s baby browns, are unable to use the word, “no.” The fun begins and ends with them. Unconditional love runs free at grandma’s house and so does discipline.
Diaper changes are harder, meal time is challenging, and getting that dang TV off is grueling. “Eat your dinner,” I say with authority (which usually works). But not at grandma and grandpa’s house. “But grandma,” she replies, “I don’t want to. Help!” I roll my eyes and I whisper to myself, “F%@$”!!!!! 10 minutes until bedtime turns into 20 then 30 and so on and so forth. Hugs are hard to come by and when I walk in the room, I know what she sees…trouble! I am the person who brings her fun to an end with a bath or a nap. And it seems to be getting worse as she gets older. Because now, if she doesn’t get her way in the buffer zone; she will most likely throw a fit. She is smart. She knows that Grandma and Grandpa will save her. So, she sees how far she can push the limit. But, who will save me? I also feel helpless in the buffer zone. It is such a fine line to walk. How do I keep that unconditional love flourishing, but also keep my daughter in line? How on earth do I teach my daughters to listen to authority when there isn’t any to be seen, in the buffer zone?!
What I have been trying to do is have conversations with her on the way to grandpa and grandma’s house. She has to know that there are limits and if she doesn’t listen, there will be consequences. Every single car ride, I talk to her about how she must behave at her grandparents’ houses. My parents and in-laws also do a good job at supporting my wishes. Saying things like, “you have to listen to mommy,” is something that goes a long way. I want her to feel excited to go to grandma’s house but also need her to understand that there are rules, wherever we are. It is getting better. I keep trying. They keep trying. And one day, “the buffer zone” will successfully be buffed away.
Stay strong and stick to your guns. I never understand this behavior by anyone watching someone else's kids. Yes I understand the desire to be like a "treat" when it comes to grandparents but it's common sense that it's going to be harder on the parent AND the kid. Some kids more than others NEED strong boundaries to function well. And we all know our kids best. Some thrive on structure, some can have less. But it's not like we make boundaries for the hell of it, we're doing our best to make sure our kids can function in a healthy, productive way. Of course rules can be broken at times but when those times are a lot, then it becomes a real detriment to all the relationships. I really understand how frustrating this can be.
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