Speed Bumps

A note to my husband

I’m sorry.  That is the first thing I want to say to you; actually it is the only thing.  I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry for being a mom.  I’m not sorry for having children, I’m sorry for having to be a mom first.  Nobody tells you that being a mom will be all encompassing.  Nobody tells us that being a wife takes a backseat for a little while.  Nobody says we might have to weather the storm because of it.  Nobody tells us how to do it.  But, we always do and we always will.  So, I’m sorry.  I’ve made mistakes.  I’ve forgotten at times, how to be a wife. 

I admit, sometimes it is hard to always remember to put in that effort.  That is why we need reminders; why we fell in love and where it all started.  It started with me and you.  I’m sorry.  I promise to try and be both (a wife and mother) at the same time, in the same thought, and of the same place.  I will always try.  But please don’t ever forget that I love you if I can’t be all of that at once.  And please forgive me every day.

All my Love,

Noreen

Yesterday, I was driving my children all around creation dropping off and picking up from school, etc.  When we got home around 3:30, I had a friend’s 4 year old daughter at my house too; 3 little girls and paint.  Needless to say, things got a little out of control.  Around 4:30, I was googling how to get crayon off the walls. (Nail polish remover and a paper towel).  From 4:47-4:50,(I remember because I had to look at the clock 45 times) my 2 ½ year old was sitting in a time-out, crying, and my daughter and her friend were making paint “milkshakes” and things were dripping and dropping and I was losing it!!!!!!!!  CHAOS!!!  But, guess what…that is life.  That is kids.  It isn’t easy.  It takes patience, all of our patience.  All the patience we were born with…everything that we are and everything that we have.  It only takes all of that, right?!  It only takes EVERYTHING!!  No biggie.

But, it is a biggie.  It is a big deal.  It is everything we are.  Sometimes it has to be the only thing.

Maybe our husbands and significant others get it?  And maybe they don’t?!  If they don’t, it is ok.  How can they possibly understand?  It is absolutely impossible to understand what it is like to be a mother.  We want them to, so badly.  But, unless they walk 100 miles in our shoes and switch their hearts with ours, it cannot happen.  What we DO need is a teammate.  Simple.  We just need to see the same light at the end of the tunnel; one direction.

And then I remembered…I got that.

After my long day, I went to the gym which started the process of easing my mind.  Then, I came home and sat on the couch with my husband.  Sometimes I feel like getting into deep conversations with him, talking about inspiration and the point of life, etc.  (What can I say, I’m a writer).  He patiently listened and responded, talking about how crazy these years are but how different our lives will be in a few years and beyond that.  I talked about what inspired me at the moment and what didn’t.  He listened.  He responded.  I talked about the people in my life I treasured.  He agreed.  I talked about how much I’ve changed.  And does he still love this me?  He does.  I talked and talked.  He listened and listened.  After 8 weeks of sleepless nights, I finally slept through the night, soundly.  Yes, I’ve got it. 

My husband and I just celebrated 16 years since the first time we met and it has made me reflect on us.  We have had so many highs and lows.  We’ve made mistakes, survived major loss, and watched the people we love go through heartache.  But, we will always weather the storm, together.  We just will.  We just have to, because I have a teammate.  I know that when I have a good moment, I want to tell him and when I am going down, only he can save me.

And I know now what I knew then; we are both looking the same way. We are looking in the same direction, toward our future.  The speed bumps of marriage are only that, speed bumps…they give us a little jerk and shake every once in a while but then we know after that, we are in for a smooth ride. 

This is life.  And if we are blessed to share it with someone we love, we are that much luckier.