The Other Side

Do you ever feel like time is standing still yet also drifting away so quickly?  I do.  It feels like it stands still in that sometimes the days are long.  I feel like I’ve been doing mom and tot classes For.Ev.Er!!!  But, it also feels like time is getting away from me so quickly; when I look in the mirror and sees laugh lines or the fact that I have 2 children when I still feel like a child.  But, today everything swirled around me in fast motion, because I watched my (almost) 3 year old daughter go from a baby to a young lady in the flash of an eye.    

I took her to the playground this afternoon with a few friends.  It was a beautiful day and the kids were playing so nicely.  I was watching my baby crawl around the blanket with her tiny little baby girlfriends when I looked up to see my toddler at the top of the jungle gym.  She found a few older girls and was chatting with them in a circle.  It was amazing to see.  A-MAZ-ING!  I watched them out of the corner of my eye when they started walking down the stairs holding hands.  “Look at them,” I said to my friend.  “They are holding hands.”  My friend said how cute it was and I agreed.  It was so freakin cute!  The little 5 year old girl was telling my little girl to follow her to the slide.  She then whispered in my daughter’s ear and my daughter threw her head back in laughter.  I was taken aback!  I really was.  I couldn’t believe that my little baby, with her low ponytail and side-swept bangs was acting like a little girl; a little girl that goes to the playground and makes friends.  Where did my little baby go who couldn’t even form sentences a year ago?  Where is the little baby that I had to follow up and down the stairs at the playground?  How is the time moving so fast? 

It scares me.  But, it also makes me happy.  In fact, I had a rush of so many different emotions.  Pride.  Joy.  Happiness.  Fear.  Contentment.  Love.   I was absolutely so proud of my daughter.  Why?  She was just being a kid; talking to other kids; enjoying the day.  But, I saw it as so much more.  I saw it as a new level.  She jumped that baby barrier and landed on the other side.  And, on the other side are things that little girls do; not babies.  I see her making lots of friends in the future.  I see her laughing with other girlfriends.  It is happening so fast.  The other side is here.  She isn’t a baby anymore.  She is a big girl.  A little lady.  And, I’m scared that I didn’t embrace it all enough.  Because, now it’s almost gone.  I hope I did.  I think I did. 

After she was done playing with the girls, she ran over to me with her arms outstretched and jumped into my arms.  And, I gave her the biggest possible hug.  I savored it.  Because I fear that it might be fleeting.  And, before we got in the car to go home, we stayed a bit and picked dandelions.  She picked one for me and one for her daddy.  And, my heart grew ten times its size.  And, I thought to myself, I couldn’t love anything more.  And then I took her hand and held it tight and said to myself…that’s my baby. 

The Code

Humanity is amazing to me; the human condition in particular.  Do you ever feel like sometimes nobody wants you to succeed?  That people find happiness in other people’s struggles.  The worse off you are the bigger smile someone else has?  Sometimes I find myself thinking or feeling these things.  But then I see a piece of the human condition and it makes me rethink.  More people want you to succeed.  More people find joy in your happiness and empathize in your discomfort.  More people want what is best for you.  I think about it as my favorite high school history teacher eggs me on to keep blogging.  I think about it as I talk to my good friend Daryl; she finds such happiness and joy in other people’s good news.  I think about the stranger in Target that gives me an empathetic smile as I hold my whiney baby and tell my toddler to put back the toy for the 100^th time.  I think about the old lady sitting on the bench yesterday who tells me that my girls are delights after seeing them for .1 second.  I think about my friend Marisa who I just recently got to know; how she gives compliment after compliment about my girls without asking for a thing in return.  I think about how I would spend hours talking to another woman who had a miscarriage; doing anything to ease her pain.  I think about these people, these friends, these strangers…because all of them are moms or moms to be or moms in heart.  But whatever their story, they understand me or you or any mom better than anything.  It’s a code; the mom code.  And they say to me without saying; I’ve been there.  Or, you say it to them. And somehow, the world shrinks to the size of a pea and I’m struck with such a warm heart. 

Last night I went out to dinner for my husband’s work.  Thank goodness for the mom code because instantly you can relate.  You can commiserate together or boast about your children.  You can talk about the different stages of growth.  I heard what to expect at 5, 8, and 13.  I love hearing what other moms think about or what they expect of their children and family.  “Put them in team sports,” I heard.  “Keep the computer out of the room.”  “Snoop.”  I got bits and pieces of advice from moms who have been there already.  Gems!  Suddenly, age doesn’t matter because you have something in common.  It is amazing to feel that sense of contentment with virtual strangers.  A bond is formed; friendships are made.  And, it all starts with the mom code.

I love being in this “mom” group because you understand when another mom is sleep deprived with a newborn.  You will do anything to give someone tips to get their 8 month old child to sleep through the night.  You know when another mom needs a night out.  You see when that mom in the grocery store is about to lose it and you understand why.  You can give a stranger a weak smile when they are struggling, and you can be in awe at another mom as she carts her 4 kids around from sport to sport.  We are here, we are there, we are everywhere.  And, we get it. 

That lady in Target who gave me that smile; she didn’t even know how she made my day.  She didn’t even know that she got me through that moment.  She didn’t even realize that by giving me that nod of appreciation, she helped me be strong.  She doesn’t even know that she is a part of my life, my thoughts, my heart; because she is a mom and understands the code that binds this world together and which transcends race, language, culture, and time.     

The Over Achiever

Yesterday I took my toddler to her gym class.  It is kind of stressful because she graduated to the 3 year old class and that involves a lot of sitting and waiting for turns.  I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.  They tell me that they are trying to get them ready for preschool, but I’m not quite sure I like this idea.  I mean, I feel like they need to run and get their energy out at gym class.  Sometimes I even get antsy.  I probably couldn’t wait my turn at my age!!  She actually does pretty good though, but she isn’t like the other girl in her class, Scarlett.  And, I’m not like Scarlett’s Mom.

Scarlett sits sweetly; no squiggles.  She waits her turn, listens intently, and cheers on her “friends.”  My toddler squirms.  I have to tell her a million times to sit.  She jumps up before it is her turn and doesn’t cheer for her friends.  But, I’m ok with it because she isn’t even 3 yet.  They aren’t robots!  My mom always tells me that.  She told me that when my toddler was a baby and wouldn’t nap.  She told me that when she started the terrible two’s and she tells me that now as she squirms through gym class.  I can’t make her be perfect in gym class just like I can’t make her eat her vegetables every day.  She is who she is.  She has a personality and it is hers!  So, I don’t get upset when she rolls around while everyone else is doing their stretches in synchronization; arms up and down…

On the other hand, Scarlett’s mom is a different story.  She does all the dance moves in class; throws her hands in the air, and over exaggerates the shakes and twirls.  I have my baby in the bjourn so I really can’t do a lot of the twists and turns.  I do them half way.  I hope I’m smiling.  Probably not.  Scarlett and her mom dance together in perfect harmony.  Scarlett’s Mom laughs at the teacher’s jokes and truly looks more than happy to be there.  She throws her head back in delight when her daughter says something silly.  She is involved, present, and apparently raising a very well-behaved child.  She isn’t going through the motions; she is leading the class.  So….why do I want to smack her?  Is that bad? 

It feels like she is the classic over achiever.  You know the one that feeds her child all organic food; and wouldn’t dare give her child potato chips to keep her quiet.  God Forbid she shows up to the toddler gym class with a messy bun and food in her teeth.  If she did, well then I could relate.  But, I cannot relate to her, at all.  I love normalcy.  I love people who can admit that they aren’t perfect; that they have bad days too.  I love moms who make me feel like I’m on the same page.  That it’s ok not to be perfect.  Nobody likes to feel less than anyone.  I sure don’t.  But, when I hang around Scarlett and her mom, I feel like an under-achieving mom.  Look, I’m seeing .1% of her day.  I get that.  It’s kind of like facebook.  You see the best that people want to put out there.  The best pictures.  The best status updates.  The cropped and perfectly lit pictures of their children.  We get the show.  A well managed show.  And, this could be a show as well.  Maybe she breaks down in tears when she gets home, screaming and shouting at her husband, “I cannot do this anymore!!!”  Or maybe, she smiles through gritted teeth and says, “Dinner is on the table.”  Maybe Scarlett throws the biggest tantrums behind closed doors.  Or maybe she plays quietly in the corner while her mom chops up organic vegetables.  And Scarlett says, "I cannot wait to eat my beets." I don’t know.  I don’t really care.  Let them be them.  If she is truly just a wonderful, perfect mom, God bless.  But, if she is putting on a show for our benefit, I feel sorry for her.    

Whatever the case may be, I’m not trying to judge her.  I’m just trying to be real.  I’m trying to relate to other moms so when I’m hunched in a corner holding back tears while my toddler cries and my baby is scratching at my arms; that I’m not alone.  I don’t want to be an under-achiever.  I don’t want to be an over achiever.  I just want to achieve life in a real way, with real people, and real love.

50 Shades of...

I promise this post will not be risky.  Sorry.  Please don’t hide your disappointment.  Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?  4 people recommended it to me.  When I asked what it was about, they replied, “Just read it.” So I picked it up and read it without knowing what on earth it was about.  True story.  Every alarm went off in my head; smoke alarm, burglar alarm, fire alarm…I mean clearly someone was trying to take something from me.  Who is this woman that talks to her inner goddess on a daily basis?  Do they even write books like this anymore?  But, everyone is talking about it and reading it.  I got my nails done 2 weeks ago, and they were talking about it.  I overheard a few women talking about it at the gym; in the grocery store; at my toddler’s gym class.  It is everywhere.  So, I’m reading it.  I’m currently finishing the first one.  Who knew?

 I really started thinking about the ‘50 shades’ aspect of it.  The main character, Christian is a mysterious personality who possesses so many different sides of himself which his past helped to shape.  There is a dark controlling side, but also a very funny and loving side.  To be honest, his character made me think.  Because, the truth is; we all have the power to hold 50 shades of ourselves…to ourselves.  Isn’t that right?  We aren’t the same person every minute of every day.  We all have different shades, sides, aspects of ourselves. Granted, I’m sure they aren’t as up and down as Christian’s sides, but they are there, nonetheless.  Even though I’ve kind of always been a, “what you see is what you get,” girl, I’m noticing more facets of myself through experiencing motherhood and everything that it offers and lacks. I mean, the lack of sleep illustrates the patience I need and the time I miss.  I’m not the same person I am with 8 hours that I am with 5.  Another shade of myself I didn’t know until motherhood.  The patience I have and the patience I don’t have.  The way I care about things I never cared about before.  The depth of worry I never had until motherhood.  But the deeper meaning everything holds is heightened now in a beautiful way.  The sense of fluttery, buttery, heart-felt love is there; and I hear it in music and see it in books, which I haven’t seen or heard before my babies.  Connections are stronger.  Friendships mean more.  I’m happy, sad, emotional, strong, guarded, open, guided, loved, tired, full of energy….I’m not fifty shades of grey…I’m  fifty shades of... color.  Right?!  Aren’t we all?     

What has this book taught me?  Hold your snicker.  Nothing like that.  I mean, it is teaching me something else more substantial than that.  People are flocking to this book because it is making people feel.  And, that is what we all want; to feel something extraordinary.  Sometimes, our daily life gets boring; mundane.  We need more.  I’m not saying we need Christian Grey or what he represents.  But, we do need to get to know the fifty shades of ourselves that we all encompass.  To own it.  To own ourselves and know ourselves.  We need to awaken, to feel, to laugh, to love, and to breathe in the feelings of life that we may be missing.  Or, maybe we don’t see it.  But, we need to.  We need to see and feel and embody; fifty shades of everything…    
Thank you Christian Grey!  As fu*ked up as you are, you made us all open up our eyes and experience something more. 

C.R.H

My good friend got married last weekend.  It was absolutely beautiful and she looked absolutely gorgeous.  It was such a nice, beautiful weekend and a reminder of what started all of this craziness…entitled, ‘My New Life with kids.’  Ha!  We all need reminders like this because; I was able to witness the start of something magical; a marriage.  And with that…two lives changing and evolving.  What’s in store for them?  Change; ebbs and flows; the pretty; the not so pretty, the tiffs, the smiles, the laughter, the hope…the everything.  After 7 years, I have experienced all of this and look forward to experiencing it more as each day passes.
 

During the ceremony, the Priest started talking about relationships.  How each relationship is different and how something to someone means nothing to one person and everything to another.  He used a baseball bat to show the comparison.  It was a bat that was engraved with his own initials.  So, he said there was nothing like it in this world.   He went on to talk about how in different hands, it can be used differently.  Even though it is just a bat to him, it is livelihood to Derek Jeter.  He talked about how each relationship has its own path; its own purpose.  Every relationship is unique for every single couple.  He went on to talk about how important this union is because the union will grow with children that they will hopefully have.  Children are the most important blessing, he said. It is the most important job in the world for every union, he finished.  It is an amazing feat; being a parent.  It is selfless.  And then I thought about it.  I thought about the key to all of it. What makes all of this work is where it begins.   It begins with you and me.

I couldn’t do this without Chris.  I couldn’t succeed without him.  Not only is he an amazing father, but he is an amazing person.  He has taught me so much about kindness, trust, and absolute fulfilling love.  He is displaying these amazing characteristics in his parenting.  We are both exhausted.  Parenting is amazing but exhausting.  We are both working hard, with little time to ourselves and for each other.  And honestly, if we didn’t have such a strong foundation, I’m sure it would take a toll on our relationship; any relationship.  Because, it is hard!  Mentally draining.  Early this morning, our baby started crying at around 5 am and I worried she might have had a fever or caught what my toddler had last week.  So, I raced up there.  He was so tired.  I was so tired, but he said to me, “what do you need?”  “I need you to run to CVS and get infant Tylenol and start warming the bottle.”  Done.  It is the last thing he wanted to do.  But, he is my partner.  We are in this together.  I never question that he won’t do everything in his power to make it easier for me.  Not a doubt in my mind.  That to me is the single most important thing he can ever do for me.  Forget the jewelry; forget the new floors or the big fence.  Be there for me; support me…and he does.  And even though he isn’t present in our day to day lives until 7 pm, he is present in our day to day hearts, 24/7.  I know he is there for us. 

We know we are creating something special and trying our best to craft 2 amazing little girls with big hearts and big minds.  And it is vital to have the support from each other; even if it is just a phone call away; even if it is just a venting text.  We are soulmates.  And I know in my heart of hearts, we can do this together! 

Second Child Syndrome Strikes Again

Yesterday, my baby whined from 3 pm until she went down to sleep at 6:20 pm.  No joke.  I put her down early because the whining really started to get to me.  I felt winded.  I will play with her as much as I can, but I really do have other things to get done.  It is hard to give her my constant attention.  So, here we are again; I’m holding her while I cook, while my toddler is outside playing, while I’m trying to get everything or anything done.  I try very hard to distract her with toys.  “Oh look, here’s a new toy…play with it.” (PLEASE!)  She looks at it, plays with it for a millisecond and then is back at my feet; pulling down my pants, literally!  She has a tight grip, that one.  She hangs on for dear life and doesn’t stop until she is in my arms. 

For a while, I could put her in her walker or on the ground and she would keep herself busy for a while.  It was easy.  Now, she wants to be held…All.The.Time.  Separation Anxiety?  Let’s hope, because there is a lot of holding going on in this house.  The thing is; I feel like she is already fighting and screaming for attention.  My toddler never had to fight like this.  It was just there, in her face at all times.  And, I had the time because I got everything done during naps and that early bed time.  But my poor baby; she gets substantially less attention than my toddler.  And, she knows she isn’t getting everything she needs at all times.  Oh…she lets me know.  Loudly.  “Mom,” she screams, “I’m a baby and I need all eyes on ME!”  I know, I know.  I get it.  She can’t entertain herself all day long.  She needs stimulation.  She needs developmental pushes.  I’m trying my best!   But as I sit here typing this, I think back to my toddler performing sign language at this age.  Nice job Mom?!       

I’m sure some of it is the lack of attention and the other part of it is the differences in personality.  My toddler is quiet.  My baby is loud.  My toddler suffers silently.  My baby suffers with earsplitting yells.  My toddler never liked to eat.  My baby guzzles everything in plain sight.  The two of them couldn’t be more different.  When thinking of one word to describe my baby right now, it is feisty.  I’m sure she has to be.  She is feisty and she wants whatever her older sister has.  She is in hog heaven when she gets at my toddler’s dollhouse.  Forget it.  She gives the biggest smiles as she holds the miniature mommy; sticking it in her mouth for good measure.  It is hilarious.  She is always crawling after her older sister; standing up next to her, looking from side to side.  She already wants to be like her.  My second child already wants everything her sister had in the past and has now.  I can’t imagine what the future holds for them.  It will get easier in some ways, but harder in others.  I’m ready for it.  I want to make sure these girls get what they need.  I want to make both my children feel like number one.  What a task?!   

When push comes to shove, the second child has to fight for attention, but at the same time I’m hoping this will help her become independent.  She is getting the space that she needs to grow into the beautiful, wonderful lady she was meant to become.  We will help her; my toddler and me.  We will help her feel loved.  We will help her grow.  We will help her know that she is nothing less than the central most important person in all of our lives; because she keeps us on our toes!           

Game of Life

In the game of life, there are those people who get it and those who do not.  My friend Neel always told me that.  He gets it; that’s for sure.  He always has.  He would tell me that as I would be complaining that someone hurt my feelings, or if I’m bogged down with too much of something or the other.  He makes life a game that people play, by his rules.  And, he has fun while he does it. But, he has his own set of rules and I have mine.  Everyone works from their own set of rules!  Does it mean I totally get it?  Not necessarily.  Because, I don’t think I am quite there yet.  It is something, however, that I am striving to change every day….

Don’t take life too seriously

I try to find the fun in things, but sometimes it seems virtually impossible; especially when there is spit up on my shirt, grays in my hair, and babies screaming in my ear.  I give myself a big fat C in this category.  Sometimes it feels like the end of the world when something isn’t going my way.  Why don’t I just throw in the towel now, I think.  But then something or someone says something that shakes me back to reality.  Jeez…that was a downward spiral; glad I caught myself.  Because in the end, it really isn’t that bad, right?  It could be worse.  Let’s just play the cards we were dealt to the best of our ability; and have fun while doing it.  And, don’t let other people get the best of us.  I get upset if I am left out of something; or, if someone has a bad opinion of me.  I definitely let it bother me.  Perhaps this is human nature or maybe it is because I’m not following my own rules.  Whatever the case may be, it is something that I’m willing to work on and something I’d like to perfect so that I may teach my kids the right things.  So, they can ‘get it’; see the good in life, and not take anything too seriously; unless warranted.    

“Tell all the truth but tell it slant” –Emily Dickinson

…Or, keep your mouth shut!  I love this quote because it is basically talking about tact! Some people do not have a filter.  They tell it like it is.  But, I believe you have to change your tune based on who you are singing to.  If you are talking to someone who is super sensitive; you must act accordingly.  Don’t tell her she is looking plump today.  Be blunt if you are around friends or family that can take it.  I don’t think people really get it, if they are able to hurt another’s feelings because that is “who they are.”  Wrong!  I see this everywhere; even in a mom’s world.  When my toddler turned 2, she wasn’t talking in full sentences yet.  A few other moms told me to call early intervention.  I don’t even remember who they were; I just remember the way it made me feel.  Scared; even though deep down I knew she was fine.  Maybe they thought they were being helpful?  So I called.  She was more than fine; she scored above average on everything (even talking).  About 2 months later, she woke up one day and started blabbing away.  Those moms probably should have kept that comment to themselves.  Tact; knowing how to say it, when to say it, and if to say it. I believe it is vital to understanding other people and living harmoniously in this world.  

Balance

…in everything.  From something as simple as not eating too much sugar; to trying not to talk about yourself too much.  Balance is the key.  Some people wear rose colored glasses through life.  Some see too much imperfection.   Some people talk too much and don’t listen.  Vice Versa.  These are all examples of people who just don’t get it; in my opinion.  Because, too much of one thing is never a good thing.  When I figure out how to find balance in every aspect of my life, then I feel like I can start to truly get the game of life.  Making enough time for my husband, myself, and my children.  Learning how to balance it all and make it look effortless; this is what I need as a mom and a person; and then I’ll get there. 

In the game of life, there are those people who get it and those who do not.  My friend Neel always told me that.  And now, he is going to be a dad.  I know he is going to teach his child everything wonderful this world has to offer.  And I am going to try to follow his lead…

…because, I want to prevail in the game that I am playing in this life…just as he has.

Baby Fat

This morning I decided to have coffee with the fatty creamer…and nobody was stopping me.  It was one of those mornings.  I needed a little substitute for happiness that came in the form of International Delight, French Vanilla.  And as I drank all of that ‘corn syrup,’I smiled.  It was worth it.  Sigh. 

But, sometimes it is not worth it. Because, there are things that happen or moments that shock me into reality.  Wait, I’m not the fit girl I once was?  I think about my college cheerleading days when I used to do back handsprings and layouts and now I’m sure I would land square on my head; post c-sections.  If I recall, I tried to show my friend that I could still do the ‘ab roller,’ and proceeded to fall straight on my face/belly.  I guess I’m not ready for that?!  Fine.  One day soon?  I hope.

I went to a playgroup yesterday afternoon with some wonderful mom’s.  My baby was crawling around on the floor and as I got up to change her diaper, my pants slipped down in the back.  Now, maybe in high school this would have been somewhat ok, but now it is just plain foul.  “I apologize for that,” I said to my friends.  And my friend said something about how being a mom is not pretty sometimes.  I agreed.  And then I went home and thought about it.  A lot. 

Look, I don’t want to say that being a mom isn’t beautiful because I know sooo many beautiful moms.  They look great; have creamy skin and a fit little figure.  But it is just not me right now.  It isn’t that I don’t try, because I do.  But, I just can’t help but wonder why it is so dang hard to get rid of this baby fat.  I mean, I’m 8 months post-section.  You would think I would have things under control.  But, just when I think I might, I look down and those love handles give me a warm welcoming smile.  “Hey there,” they say, “we are still here.”  They are there to remind me that going into the dressing room isn’t fun anymore.  “Don’t even think about a bikini,” they sneer curling their upper lip.  And then they follow it with, “did you ever hear of spanks?”  Yes I have, jackass.

Don’t get me wrong, I love myself, blah blah blah, and embrace my body, yadda yadda yadda.  But, I am still trying to improve myself.  I love my babies, but I don’t want anymore remnants of them on my hips.  I want to be a good mom, but I also want to feel good!  Beautiful.  In shape.  I want to be able to kick those love handles to the curb and give a long, outstretched wave goodbye.

So, I will continue to fight the good fight.  Try as I may, to once and for all…get rid of this baby fat, which is continuing to threaten my inner goddess; and feel like a beautiful mom; both inside and out.  

Parenting Voice

Last night, my daughter wanted me to bring my pillow up into her room and lay down next to her bed.  It was 7:30 and I still had to make dinner.  “I have a few things to do,” I said to her.  “You will be fine.”  And I gave her a kiss, tucked her in again, and left the room.  She fell asleep within seconds.  If I did get my pillow and lay down next to her, the process would probably take an hour.  She would keep checking that I was there and not fall asleep, and if I left too early; she would cry.  I know because it has happened.  I’ve learned my lesson.  It would actually hinder the bedtime process.  Nobody would be better off for it.  It’s one thing to do these things when they are sick or really having a hard time.  It is quite another to do it because they want you to.  And this is the age where they test the limits and see how far you will go.  I’m pretty firm so she doesn’t get far with me.  That is what she has grandparents for….        

But, it doesn’t mean it is easy.  We have constant mini battles.  She wants cinnamon toast crunch for lunch.  She wants to watch ‘one more show.’  She doesn’t want to get her shoes on.  She doesn’t want to go outside and then she doesn’t want to come in.  One more book before bed.  She doesn’t want to brush her teeth…etc.  Sometimes, I don’t even like to hear my voice anymore.  I constantly have to stop her in her tracks.   Be firm.  Say no.  But, I am tired of the way my voice sounds when I am being firm and saying no. It sounds grumpy.  I feel like I’m growing a permanent line between my eyebrows.  The other day she asked me if I was mad and I said no.  She looked at my forehead and said, “Why is your forehead mad?”  Yikes?!  I didn’t even know I was furrowing my brow.  Got to stop that!  So, my voice doesn’t sound sweet or fun, but I guess it delivers and it seems to be working.  She definitely respects me and listens to me.  But, that doesn’t mean she will not continue to test me and those limits.  And the thing is, she is such a great girl; an easy toddler.  I could not imagine if she really gave me trouble.  This is just normal kid stuff. 

The thing is; as I raise my daughter, I am also raising myself as a parent.  I am finding my voice.  It is easy with the babies.  You feed them, play, they nap, tickle, smiles, bedtime.  But, as they get older…that is where parenting really takes shape and form.  And, it is so important.  I am realizing that I cannot be too tough or too easy.  Too much of one thing is never a good thing.  So, when I am being really tough, I try to take a deep breath and soften.  I always heard this one, “choose your battles.”  And, I try.  Sometimes I’ll let her watch that extra show.  Sometimes I’ll relent and let her stay outside for 20 more minutes even though I have things to do inside.  But, other times, I’ll stand firm in my stance and let her deal with not getting what she wants all the time.  She will stomp her feet a few times and then come in.  Hopefully these things will help shape her into a well-behaved child.  I hope so.  There is no rule book when it comes to discipline.  Well, there is, but I just don’t have time to read it.    

In the end, when it comes to parenting, everyone has to do what feels right to them.  So, I do what feels right to me.  I guess you have to take it situation by situation; knowing where to draw that line and where to let it go.  I’ve made some mistakes, but I’ve made some good choices too.  It is definitely a learning process.   And, as my ladies continue to grow and evolve; so will my parenting voice.

Over/Under

The Over:

Sometimes I’m completely over stimulated.  Like this morning when my baby decided to wake up at 6 and then my toddler hears her crying and wakes up crying as well.  Panic Button.  Where is that button because I need to press it and call in the troops before my day gets away from me at 6:45 am.  It was crying madness.  And I wanted to curl up in a ball and roll myself out of there.

Later on, we were supposed to go to an Easter egg hunt at 10 am.  The newsletter said, 10 am SHARP!!  Ok, should I roll my eyes now or later?  At 9:45, my toddler decides she wants to sit on the potty for 15 minutes and the baby is still snoozing away!  So, she is sitting on the potty; doing nothing.  At 9:55, the baby is just getting dressed; toddler still on potty.  I’m perspiring; wondering if I even managed to put on my deodorant this morning .  At 10:05, I’m trying to get jackets on and the bottle prepared.  In the car at 10:10.  We roll in at 10:18; parking too far away and having to hop a fence.  Egg hunt is over.  SNARF!

“You missed the whole thing,” my friend said.  The egg hunt took a whopping 5 minutes, and we missed every single minute of it.  It was an over stimulating morning and I just didn’t have time on my side.  It happens.       

The Under:

Honestly, yesterday was a very under stimulating day.  I thought to myself; if I change one more poopie diaper today, I am going to scream.  6 before the clock struck noon.  Sometimes I’m completely under stimulated.  I’m walking up the stairs to change my toddler when my baby farts and poops as I hold her.  Suddenly I am exhausted.  Do I really have to change them both right now?  These are my thoughts.  Really?  I am so completely under stimulated from this process that I might just heave myself into the poopie garbage can. 

I mean really?!  There are times when I am knee deep in complete and utter dullness.  That same morning, my daughter is watching Angelina Ballerina and my baby is crawling back and forth from the stair to the fireplace.  Stair to fireplace.  Stair to fireplace.  I’m thinking I should bring them somewhere, do something…but I cannot seem to peel myself off the floor.  It looks sunny outside, I probably should bring them out, but the jacket process seems like too much effort.  This is the definition of an under stimulating morning.  It happens.

The Over/Under:

The ‘over/under’ of it all is that there are going to be days of complete madness and days of complete tedium; moments of one or the other.  But there will also be moments of balance.  Those are the ones I cherish.  And it happened at the egg hunt as I watched my daughter follow the Easter bunny around in absolute delight as I fed my baby her bottle on a warm sunny day; talking to a friend; relaxing; looking across the way and seeing my husband talk to other dads.  Balance.  No over…no under.  Middle ground.   That moment is so worth it.  I will gladly take the over and under any day if it means I will achieve this sense of steadiness that completely fills my heart and keeps me wanting more.

My hope for you....

I hope I can teach my girls how to be good friends.  Family is obviously the most important dynamic in life, but I want my girls to celebrate their friendships.  I’ve always tried my best to be there for my friends, and listen, and make time.  I always wanted to be given the opportunity to be a good friend; a life-long friend.  I’ve prided myself on that.  I truly love and truly care.  I take it very seriously, and I hope my girls do as well.

I hope I can muster enough patience each day so that I do not ever break their stride. I have to let them ‘be’ sometimes.  And it’s hard to just let them live, especially my 2 ½ year old.  I try.  I really do.  But, I know, at the end of the day, I have also have to teach her.  I just hope I don’t break her spirit as I’m trying to teach her how to survive in this world.  It is such a fine line that I hope I walk carefully. 

I hope I can provide my little ladies with traditions; traditions that they look back on with fondness.  I love hearing stories from people about what they did with their family when they were young.  I want this for my daughters.

I hope my girls will be best friends.  I understand that there will be lots and lots of fighting, but I hope one day, I will sneak next to their closed door and listen to whispering and laughter.  I hope they will share things that they don’t tell me. (Not bad of course) And, I hope they will be there for each other throughout life.

I hope I make sure to play enough while they are young.  I’ve heard people say that looking back, they aren’t sure if they played enough with their children.  I want to put down the phone, forget the waiting text messages and get down on the floor and play.  I want to do it well and often.  I want them to remember that growing up; their mom did the best impression of the bear she sleeps with.

I hope I can instill confidence in them.  I want them to know how beautiful and lovely they are.  If they do, they are less likely to give into peer pressure or make poor decisions.  I hope they will walk through life with their head held high and stand confidently. 

I hope, I hope, I hope. 

I hope for so much.  With these hopes, also draws worry…because; I want so much for them. 

In the end, I hope they are happy and know how much they are loved every single day!  Because then all of my hopes came true and I’ve succeeded. 

Hurricane

We decided to go to dinner and church on Saturday…from 4:30-7, we were the Hurricane that hit the town.  We came; a violent storm, we saw; a cloudy mess, and left; debris in our paths.
        

We walked into the restaurant and the waitresses gave each other the eye.  Oh great, here they are, they thought.  I wonder why they thought that?! As we walk in the door, my toddler is screaming that she wants a burger in a pizza place.  Fabulous.  And, the baby is kicking her legs around and wanting to throw herself on the floor to crawl.  In case they didn’t know, now they do….we are here!

In all fairness, we got there at 4:30; there was nobody there.  But, I’m sure they don’t care what time it is.  They only know that it is going to be a lot of clean up after.  And a lot of loud noise during…

So, here we are…guns a blazing….

Within a minute, a plate had already hit the ground.  BAM! The baby’s veggie pouch was all over the linens.  SPLAT! All the knives were already removed from our table and moved to another.  Speaking of tables…I’m under it…looking for Sophie the giraffe for the baby.  This is minute one.  It was definitely a spiral after that.  Did I even eat?   My daughter is practically falling out of her chair every other minute.  I think I caught her 3 or 4 times.  The baby is whining…getting tired.  Let’s entertain her by playing peekaboo across the table; in between bites no less.     

Seriously though, why do we decide to do things like this?  It is hard work.  You don’t even get to enjoy your dinner.  You really don’t get to talk much.  It’s man on man defense.   Get it done so we can go home and collapse on the couch.  The biggest benefit of dinner out, is not having to cook or clean.  On a regular night, it is 10:00pm by the time the kids are bathed, in bed, dinner is eaten and the kitchen is cleaned.  So, in that respect, it is worth it.     

Church was another story.  Why would we decide to go to the longest mass of the year during the witching hour?  My husband definitely walked the baby around the entire church while mass was in progress.  In a sea of all sitting heads, he was the one standing.  I could see him across the entire length of the church…and it is big.  A bopping head.  Bopping the baby around so she doesn’t lose it.  I would put my head down and then look up and he would be on the other side of the church.  Bopping.  The things we do?! 

Meanwhile, my toddler is on the floor between the pews in complete and utter boredom.   Talking LOUD to herself!  Wanting to go home! Moments like that are moments that I feel like walking out the door; giving up.  I’m tired at this point.  It was a long dinner and an even longer mass.  I feel like waving my husband down and pointing to the door.  Let’s get out of here...Dearest Church; I’ll see you in 3 years.  But, like exercise, it is worth it when it is over.  So we did it.  We stayed until the end.  And then, patted ourselves on the back afterward, happy we stayed.    

And, when we got home, we put the kids to bed and collapsed on the couch.  “That was fun,” my husband said.  “Yea,” I replied, “it was fun.”  And then I closed my eyes and fell asleep within minutes; the calm after the storm. 

Suddenly I See

This morning I was running on the treadmill and the song, “Suddenly I see,” by KT Tunstall came on.  I love this song.  It always makes me think about women who inspire me; women in my life.  I think about friends, aunts, my mom, etc.  I think about how my friend Amy always has a smile on her face and finds fun in everything she does.  Always! I think about how incredibly sweet Christina is and how dedicated she is to her faith.  I think about Karen’s dry sense of humor; how she always makes me laugh.  I think about my friend Jackie O who has such a strong sense of self.  I think about Heather who doesn’t care what anyone thinks; she is her authentic self.  Megs…my soul sister.  I think about my mom who will never get mad at anyone; she is beautiful and kind-hearted. I think about how strong and confident Gayle has always been; so funny and free. And, my friend Lisa who will never change for anyone or anything; a true friend.   Kristen; how she is so dedicated to her family.  I think about these women, because they inspire me with their beautiful qualities; qualities that motivate me to want to continue to evolve into someone better.  I love them all and I hope they know how lovely they are. 

But, this morning…one person came to mind when listening to the lyrics… 

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

I thought about someone who walks with purpose.  There is nothing right now that will change her; no outside force; no pressure; nobody to keep up with.  She is inquisitive; soaking up information; wanting to learn.  She is elegant and dainty.  Beautiful.  Sometimes she closes her eyes and lets the sun hit her face; without a care in the world.  I wonder what she is thinking. 

Suddenly I see…this is what I wanna be….

Her excitement is palpable.  She will not hold it in for anyone.  She is who she is.  She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t like and is not afraid to tell you.   Her eyes hold the most innocent expression.     She loves her family and being altogether.  She is smart; remembering everything.   She has the hope of the world in her hand.  She has an infinite amount of love in her heart.

Suddenly I see…this is what I wanna be….

It is amazing how someone can really make you understand yourself better.  She makes me want to be better.  I am inspired by her.  Because, I want to “fill up every corner,” like her.  I want to know myself as well as she knows herself.  I want to have the “power to see,” as she does.  She is wonderful and lovely and everything in between.    

She is my daughter Cayleigh.  And, she is everything I want to be.

The Sweet Spot

Last week, I went to the park with my friends and our kids.  4 moms; 8 kids.  Our big kids ran around the park, playing “near” each other and sometimes “with” each other.  My friend nursed her 8 week old while watching her twins.  How we were able to have a conversation, I’ll never know.  But, we were able to chat.  I kept one eye on my toddler and the other on my 7 month old.  My baby was all over the blanket, crawling toward those wood chips.  Picking up a bunch and trying to put them in her mouth.  I was consistently picking her up and moving her to the middle of the blanket.  Repeat.  But, I didn’t mind it.  I was with my friends and we all were doing the same thing.  We were all in wonderful disarray. 

It was a hot day but it was good morning, because I realized something.  As I was getting the kids out of the car and into the house for lunch, I realized…I can do this.

It was chaos in the beginning.  The witching hour…god help us.  My newborn would scream from 5:30-6:30 pm every night for a few weeks.  And then when she got over that, she would want to be held constantly.  I would be cooking dinner with the baby in the bjourn and burning my wrist on the stove.  War wound.   I remember calling my husband and begging him to catch the earlier train.  “I need help,” I would say.  “This isn’t easy,” juggling a newborn and a toddler.  My baby was and is a very vocal baby.  The cries.  The whines.  She’s not afraid to “voice” her opinion.  And, at the time, my toddler was adjusting.    

But now, everything is slowing down; stabilizing.  We have a groove.  My toddler has become extremely independent and my baby and I have gotten to know each other.  I know what she likes.  I know the ins and outs.  I know her.   I love the time it takes to get to truly know your child.  As their personality develops, so does your understanding of them; and that is when it becomes easy. 

 I find joy in learning what makes my baby tick.  When I want to make her laugh, I can tickle her under her arm.  I realized that she likes to be around others.  I found out that she will never complain at the grocery store.  Interesting.  Sometimes I will take a 5pm trip to the grocery store because I can.  I know that she will stop whining the moment I take her outside.  It took a while, but I finally found it; the sweet spot.  And it is so juicy!!!   Because now, I don’t fear going out at random times.  I know I won’t get random screaming.  She is 8 months now, and she is a little lady.  And I’m….getting the hang of it.

I remember finding the sweet spot with my first daughter when she was about 5 months old.  It took a while to get over the initial shock of a different life; the slower pace.  But, I remember the moment it hit me.  I thought to myself, I found it; my groove.  And now, I have found it again.  The Sweet Spot is the moment when everything changes.  Life settles down.  When you look at your one child, or two children, or 3 or 4….and say to yourself, I’ve got this. 

The sweet spot is so delightful because it is the place where life becomes more than manageable; it becomes enjoyable!