Lucky

I just re-read my earlier blog, “Grasping at Straws.”  It still makes me cry.  It is almost surreal.  Like I can’t believe that happened to me.  And now, as I talk about being a mom and the day to day grind, I feel like I can’t forget where I came from.  How I got here.  What made me, me.  If I forget about that experience, I will forget to be grateful.  I will forget how lucky I am. 

My friend emailed me to tell me she sent that blog to a friend who is currently suffering from a miscarriage.  I felt real pain for a person that I don’t know.  I felt it.  In that moment, I wanted to reach out to this stranger so badly to tell her that everything will be ok.  I wanted to promise her that she will get her baby, even if I don’t know it is true.  I just wanted to make her better, this stranger.  The truth is, the 4^th of July reminds me of my first loss so it has been at the forefront of my mind.  My husband and I took a trip to Bermuda right after that first miscarriage.  I remember sitting on the beach, watching the fireworks, and feeling happy and sad in one moment; fearful and content.  I had no idea what was in store for me.  It makes me realize one thing, I am lucky.

July 4, 2006 Bermuda

A close friend of mine had fertility issues and struggled to get pregnant for a while.  She just about gave up.  But, I told her that she cannot give up for her baby.  She had to keep trying and fighting for it.  I convinced her to keep trying.  “Just one more round of IVF,” I said.  “You can do It.”   I knew that she would get her baby.  I felt it in my bones.  Her twins will be celebrating their 2^nd birthday in September.  She didn’t give up.  And I realize, we are lucky.



 A friend of mine just had a miscarriage.  It felt strange to be on the other side.  Normally, it would be me sitting in the hospital, feeling the loss, but it wasn’t me this time.  I was on the other side.  My heart broke for my friend.  I am supportive.  I am there.  I understand.  It wasn’t me.  It felt weird.  But it made me realize one thing, I am lucky. 

This morning my 3 year old woke up in my bed.  She had a nightmare in the middle of the night so we brought her in.  I had to wake her up around 9 am to start getting ready for her dance camp.  I whispered to her, “It’s time to get up,” she woke up without missing a beat, “ugh,” she said, “that was a loooooong rest, I had.”  I laughed out loud.  I mean, really laughed.  And then she said, “Look at that picture on the wall, that was from your wedding day.”  I mean, who wakes up full force?  I laughed harder and harder.  “Oh my God,” I thought.  “How lucky am I?!!”

Getting pregnant and pregnancy in general is hard.  It really is.  It is a process.  It really isn’t fun, if you ask me.  But, it adds to your story.  It makes you, you.  I hope that nobody has to feel what I felt.  But, I know that isn’t the case.  Women are feeling it all the time.  But, I hope they never give up for what they want in life.  I didn’t.  I kept fighting, picking myself up, dusting off, and getting in those trenches again and again.  And look at me now.  My 3 year old daughter told me today that I’m the best mommy in the world.  My other almost 1 year old daughter put her lips up to mine to give me a kiss for the first time today.  I fought for them.  I never gave up.  I am lucky.