Eyes Wide Open

Lately I’ve been thinking about the need for human acceptance.  It starts young.  My 10 month old baby pulled herself up yesterday and then let go to stand by herself.  She concentrated hard and then fell to her bottom.  She looked at me for approval and I smiled and nodded and clapped.  She wanted acceptance.  She got it from me. 

My toddler started drinking from a regular cup with breakfast.  She was tired of the sippy straw cup and I started worrying about the bacteria in those straws.  So, she started drinking and then chugging from her big girl cup.  Sitting in the regular chair, eating her breakfast, and drinking from a cup.  Almost 3 years old.  Amazing.  A regular little girl.  She took a big long sip and then turned those eyes toward me.  I smiled and nodded and clapped.  She wanted acceptance.  She got it from me. 

But that’s easy, right?  I mean, of course my daughters will get approval and acceptance from me. 

What about everyone else?  Why do we have this innate need for people’s approval?  I worry about it for my girls as they grow up.  What if someone hurts them?  What if they don’t feel accepted by everyone else?  It is such a lonely place.  How do we keep them safe and guarded but also let them flourish in this judgmental, hard-to-please world?  How do we make sure they don’t ever feel unaccepted and alone?

There are times that I can be surrounded by a crowd of people and feel alone.  Maybe I have a day where I make a joke and that person just doesn’t get it.  And then I don’t feel accepted.  Or maybe I’m just not connecting to an old friend I’ve had and known forever.  Perhaps, I’m sitting somewhere surrounded by people who I’ve known for years…and feel like I’m not a part of the group.  What if I’m snubbed by someone for no reason?  What if I’m putting myself out there…and don’t get a thing in return…from people who know me well?  What then? 

This human need for acceptance never ends.  It starts young.  We fight through it as we grow.  We long to be a part of something bigger.  A group.  A family.  A circle of friends.  A community.  Other moms.  We want to feel accepted, connected, appreciated…loved.  It never goes away, this need.  My 10 month old is seeking it.  My toddler is seeking it.  I’m seeking it.  We seek it.  We want it.  We crave it.  Do we give it? 

So, what now? 

What on earth do we teach our children and how do we carry these lessons to our own lives?  I guess we show them unconditional love and approval.  We give it to them wholeheartedly.  I guess we need to give ourselves the same things…unconditional love and approval, even if we aren’t the leader of the group or a central person in a circle of friends.  It’s ok.    

We need to tell our children that, although we have an innate to seek approval from others, we have to make ourselves happy, first; because if we are happy, the rest falls into place.  And, as long as we are good people and care and accept others, the goodness and acceptance will by easy to find….it will pump love into our hearts and make them full, fluffy, and real.  We need to keep our eyes wide open.  Because it’s there.  It is everywhere!

We have to tell our children that it is ok if someone doesn’t accept them or give them approval for something they did.  Because someone else will be there with a pure heart to make up for it.  We have to tell ourselves the same; that there will be people who aren’t afraid to give it away for nothing; just because they are good.  But, we need to do the same.  Because, I want to teach my daughters to be good.  To give it away.  To compliment others.   Accept.

In the end, I don’t want my girls to seek approval from others; I want them to already have it.  Hopefully, they will be so filled up that it will be easy for them to dish it out. And, if they don’t get it back in return, that’s ok….because they will get it back from me tenfold; and I from them….and in the end…that is all that matters, right??!!

This morning I was getting ready and my toddler came up to me and said,

“Ooohh pretty shirt mommy.  Pretty necklace.  I love you sooooo much mommy.  You are so pretty”

Oh my god.  My daughter …she’s got it…all on her own.  She is so good…so pure.  And I’m so lucky.  Because it cost her nothing; took no effort; she was herself and she was sooo sweet and beautiful and perfect.  And all my thoughts about acceptance and feeling alone just drifted away….

And I hugged her tight and said, “So are you” 

Sock Balls

My husband asked me to roll his socks in balls.  Apparently I was only half rolling them up.  Ok, yes.  In between my very stimulating day of poopie diapers and spilled milk, I will roll your socks in a very tight ball.  Glamorous.  Shall I wear an evening gown while I do it?  That would complete the look.

Sheesh!

I actually started laughing like I was going to lose it.  That, or…I was losing it.  Deep breathe.  This is just a moment in time.  There will be more to life than tightly rolled balls of socks, pampers, Gerber, sippy cups, frazzled hair, spare tires, bottle brushes, and diaper genies.  Yes, there will be more.  I’m daydreaming about the moments when it can be more about stimulating conversations, well-managed time, a taste of freedom, making a difference, and a fat dusting of “me” time.

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So now, I have to settle for what I get.  Right?  And, I have to be ok with tightly rolled balls of socks.  Ok.  At the same time, I have to also find moments when I can embrace “the more?”

Every Wednesday night, my friend and I take a fitness bar class called Vitality.  And most Sundays, my friends and I take another fitness bar class called The Bar Method. 

Vitality: The capacity to live, grow, or develop.

I find myself growing and living every Wednesday night and Sunday morning for one hour.  It is such a hard class and I find myself using every single bit of mental strength that I have to get through it.  Every single bit of mental strength…for me….to grow and develop.  After all, isn’t that why we are here??!  To allow ourselves to grow and develop; to become better people through living and learning….

I am definitely happier after I take these classes and they allow me to spend time focusing on something other than my children, my husband, and/or the laundry.  Because I am allowing myself to focus on me.  What a thought?!  Is that selfish?  Absolutely NOT!!!  It is not selfish to want to have time for yourself; to improve and in turn…be a happier mommy.  I always come back from my Sunday class with a Starbucks coffee in hand, friendly conversation under my belt, and a smile on my face.  I’ve grown an inch…

Growth: An increase, as in size, number, value, or strength; extension or expansion: ...

My value and strength spike a peak after I take these classes

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But let’s get back to those sassy balls of socks.  Because, let’s face it…they are still there taunting me; laying on the floor all mismatched and out of sorts….waiting for me to find their match and roll them up into a tight ball.  And I will.  I’ll roll them right up.  As long as I can look forward to times for myself, I will do everything I can to make my family happy.  I will.  Just don’t judge me when I’m rolling those socks up without a big smile on my face.  But I will smile when I’m done with my task.  I’ll stick those socks in the drawers and shut the drawer up tight.  Then, I’ll unroll a pair of my socks, put them on and walk right out the door to my bar class.  I’ll smile at the fact that I did everything I could to make my family happy and then I can fully enjoy an hour for me ;)

http://vitalityfitness.org/

http://ridgewood.barmethod.com/

Fly

I’ve made mistakes

Haven’t we all

But I’ve learned to let them go

It will happen to you

And I want you to know

Try not to let it change your soul

Time slips by…

Fly

I’ve hoped for more

But ached for less

Wishing the tides to turn

It can happen to you

And I want you to yearn

For everything wonderful, times two

Faith won’t dry…

Fly

I’ve loved with everything

But lost it too

Longing for love to renew

I want you to love

With all of your soul

No matter why or who

Love does not deny…

Fly

I’ve waited for you

For so many years

Eager for my babies’ true grace

So in the end

I will be there for you

No matter what you face

My love will never die…

Fly

For you,

I will hope for more

let you soar

Don’t fret at all, my dears

If you cry,

I will be there for you

To wipe away your tears

I will never let you fall

I will keep your spirits high

I will be your wings…

Fly

Hop like a bunny

Isn’t it funny how we make our kids do crazy things?  I remember a few months back, my husband was trying to teach my toddler how to walk like a penguin.  I laughed and said, “Why are you teaching her that? There are so many other things you can teach her.”  Ha!  He said, “I don’t know, because it’s funny.”  Our daughter can walk like a penguin with the best of them!

We had a birthday party on Saturday and during the party, I started laughing hysterically at the nonsense of it all.  All the kids were sitting on the red line, listening to the teacher…and the teacher told them to hop like a bunny.  Simple enough.  Right?  Wrong.  I hear my friend’s husband tell his son (the birthday boy) to hop like a bunny.  Next to me, is a good friend whose toddler WOULD NOT hop like a bunny.  “You don’t want to hop like a bunny,” she asked.  He shook his head as he held on to her leg.  I laughed!!  I can’t imagine why?!  Across the room I see all the other kids hopping like bunnies and it was literally too much to take.  These poor kids…some of them looked happy to be hopping like bunnies and others were forced by their parents to hop around with their two fingers on their head like bunny ears.  Dragging their ‘hops.’  Picking their nose in between hops.  I smiled because I was happy my daughter was hopping like a bunny and I didn’t have to even tell her to do it.  Ha!  The things we make our kids do—and the reasons we find parental enjoyment in them…??!?

Later on, they set up a little obstacle course and my toddler decides she is going to walk backwards up the stairs, instead of forward.  “Turn around,” I say.  Grrr….”Not over there…the line starts here,” I continue.  Sigh.  And then I look around the gym to see multiple kids dragging their parents here and there in between scattered conversations.  I hear other parents telling their kids to, “start here,”  “not like that, ““sit here,” etc...Etc…  It is hysterical.  We are trying so hard to make our children conform to the rules; to do it the right way…and it makes me think how hard parenting can be.  There are thin, fine lines EVERYWHERE!  Day to day rules that must be followed, EVERYWHERE!  We have an enormous job to do on a daily basis and it is exhausting.  From one thing to another…I find myself constantly shouting out rules and regulations…

That afternoon at the birthday party, “Don’t throw that ball out of the ball pit” (Oh yes she did)…

Then, we went to the grocery store.  “Don’t run down that aisle…”

After that, we went the nursery to pick up flowers, “don’t pick up that potted plant…”

At home, “Don’t jump on my bed with your shoes on….”

What I really want to do is stop shouting rules all day long and just let it be.  There are times when we should let our children run free.  No rules.  No holds bar… They need to be kids and I need a break from myself, my voice, and life’s rules. 

My daughter kept throwing the balls out of the ball pit at the birthday party and I finally just turned my head.  I wasn’t going to watch.  Just do it, I thought.  They can pick them up later.  They won’t hurt anyone, they are just plastic.  Just do it.  Be a kid.  I turned away and let it go.  If the teachers get mad, I’ll pretend I had no idea what was going on.  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I would say. “I had no idea.”  And then I’ll make her come out of the ball pit for good measure.  Luckily, it didn’t come to that.  Nobody was even the wiser….

Then, I decided to let it go a little further.  Dinner time was later than usual…bath was even later…and bed time was an hour behind.  Whatever?!  I already shouted rules out to my daughter all day long.  So at night, she could hop like a bunny if she liked, sit like a bump on a log, twirl in circles for an hour, or lay on the floor with her legs in the air.  I don’t care.  I like to forget about the rules; to let it all go; to let her live...and she did.  And then when it was time to go up to bed, she went without a fight and said, “It was a good day Mom.”

Go Write about Politics

Article after article.  Blog after blog.  Opinions, controversy.  Are we Mom Enough?  The Time Magazine spread started something big.  I didn’t read the article, but the picture was enough for me.  And I have something to say to the author of that article; Yes we are!  Us moms, we got it covered.  Go write about politics.

This morning my girls woke up crying.  Both of them.  I’ve said it before.  It happens to everyone.  You know the drill. I needed to get both of them fed and pack up the car all before the baby’s first nap.  One day.  4 bags.  It was chaos and there was limited time.  There was a lot of crying, some yelling, a ton of frustration, and then we were on our way. 

As we drove off, I started feeling a little guilty for the way I acted in the morning.  I mean, I was breaking out into a full on sweat and the baby was hanging on me and my toddler was a bit out of sorts.  I was short tempered.  Looking back, I know I could have been calmer.  I was thinking of all of these things are we drove in silence with the music softly playing in the background; the baby asleep and my toddler calmly listening to the music.  The song, “A thousand years,” by Chiristina Perri came on:

I have died everyday

waiting for you

Darlin' don't be afraid

I have loved you for a

Thousand years

I'll love you for a

Thousand more

It tugged at my heart strings.  I have loved both of my children for a thousand years…

I reached my hand back to my daughter and held it tight.  I looked in my rearview mirror and saw her face light up. 

I am enough.

I just put my baby to sleep.  It was such a fun day with grandma and grandpa.  I took her upstairs and sat with her to snuggle with her and give her the bottle.  It is a new atmosphere; a different house, a new room, the pack n play (not the crib) but one thing remained…me.  She caressed my arm as she drank.  I crave that touch.  I look forward to it every single day.  And then I thought, so does she.

I am enough.

My friend is a working mom.  She feels guilty about leaving her babies every single day.  She misses them so much and loves them beyond words.  She sends me pictures and videos sometimes of her twins and I hear her voice in the background; that sweet familiar voice.  I hear the joy and love in it.  It leaps out from the video.  She finds so much happiness in her children and she soaks up every single minute that she has.  She worries when they are sick and rejoices in the good.   

She is enough.

I don’t have time to make homemade sauce.  My house is messy most of the time and full of toys.  I wear sweatpants a lot.  I have to get my hair highlighted…yesterday.  I love ordering take out because that means I don’t have to cook.  I left my house with dishes in the sink. 

I am enough.

Women constantly put pressure on themselves.  Am I pretty enough?  Skinny enough?  Smart enough?  Am I super mom?  The answer is simple: 

As long as we love our children unconditionally…

As long as we love ourselves unconditionally…

As long as we try our best every single day…

We are enough.  So maybe, Time magazine would be better writing about politics instead of writing about mothers, whom they know little about...

Pay It Forward

Yesterday morning was my toddler’s last day of school and we had it at the park. I was talking to another mom who has 4 kids.  Yes, 4!  I said to her, “that is your whole life; your children.  That must be so hard.  Do you ever get time?”  And she looked me square in the eyes and said to me, “thank you for saying that.”  I smiled at her warmly.  She seemed a little flustered and then she continued, “sometimes people don’t understand why I can’t drop everything and meet them somewhere.”  She was looking for something.  Understanding.  Well, she got it from me.  I can’t imagine 4 kids and I cannot imagine how hard it is.  “Well today,” she finished, “I blow dried my hair and I feel good.”  God Bless her!  And I said, “God Bless you.”   There was no competition between us.  We talked; we shared; we understood.  It was a nice moment.   

This morning, I went to the store and an older lady (probably around 68 or so) asked me if I had children and how old.  I said, “Yes, I have 2.  One of them is almost 3 and the other is 9 months.”  --“God Bless you honey,” she said to me.  Ahhh…that felt good.  4 little words and they worked magic.  Somehow I felt like someone paid it forward to me.  I gave that same compliment yesterday and I know it affected that mom.  And today, just when I needed it, she gave it to me.  Understanding.  I smiled and thanked her. 

This afternoon I got a call from my toddler’s allergist.  I found out that along with dairy, eggs, peanuts, strawberries, and sesame, she is also allergic to gluten and soy.  I was distraught.  Beside myself.  I still am.  I’m exhausted from thinking of new things to feed my child.  And now, there really isn’t much she can have.  I don’t know what to do.  I am sad.  I texted my friend about it and she instantly came by to drop of a treat for me so that I could feel better.  What did I do to deserve this kind of friendship and empathy?  When things like this happen, I can’t help but feel inspired to do it for someone else.  To pay it forward.  To give another mom who is distraught; a lift.  To really, truly be there for others and listen and identify with them.  After all, isn’t that why we are here?  To help one another.    

The last blog I wrote kind of sparked something inside me.   A friend made a comment about how hard it is to be a mother and how competitive women are with each other.  I regarded that comment; thought about it; and determined how true it felt.  Sometimes, this is truly, truly the case.   It is hard to be a mom these days. It’s competitive and worrisome.  My mom always told me, from the moment I gave birth to my first daughter; do not compare your baby to other babies and do not compare yourself to other moms.  Ok; that is like telling me not to breathe; be human.  I will try; I will fail.  I will try again.  And so on, and so forth….. –Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard.  It is easy when I have moments like these.  These women truly made me feel wonderful.  When things like this happen, I forget about that mom who laughed at me during a bad tantrum moment.  I forget about anybody who ever made me feel like less of a mom.  I forget about the competition, the judgment, the differences and think about the similarities and the goodness.  Let’s focus on that!

So, even though it is hard to be a mom today; to figure out the rules in this crazy game of motherhood; to wonder if you are doing anything right; to keep going when you feel judgment.  Know this…there are other moms out there who will do everything they can to lift you up; to listen; to have compassion.  They will be your rocks during this process and they will nourish your head and your heart enough to make you want to give back.  They will make you feel that whenever you get a chance to do it, you will.  And that is how you pay it forward…

Karma

Let’s set the scene…

An overtired toddler.  Hungry.

A hungover mother.  Before coffee.

A gym class with rigid rules….

Disaster!

The class started at 10:30 and by 11:20…she was done.  Her listening skills went to sh@t and my tolerance started taking a dive.  Bad combo.

I heard her across the room, screaming “No, No, NO!”  And, I knew.  It was going to be a bad few minutes.  She wouldn’t listen to the teachers and wouldn’t listen to me.  “That’s it,” I said, “we are leaving.”  “No mommy, no mommy, no!”  Jeez.  What to do, what to do?  Do I drag her by her hair?  Tempting.  But, I know I have to be somewhat calm.  We have an audience.  That is the worst part of it.  The other looks.  The judging.  How will I respond?  I tried to keep cool.  But, the other mother giggling in my direction didn’t help.  “What?” I said.  She responded, “It’s just so funny to watch the baby scooting around.”  Yea??  That’s funny to you?  Now???  No, what is funny is my toddler crying and carrying on and my baby crawling around everywhere.  An out of control scene and I couldn’t handle the situation at hand.  That was what was funny to her!  And in that moment, I didn’t like her.  She is a sweet lady, but that was the LAST thing I needed to see.  But, laugh away my friend because I know she will be there soon.  She has a toddler and a brand new 4 week old.  It’ll happen to her.  The same scene.  Karma.

It has happened to me before.  I’ve giggled to myself at the misfortune of another mom, but then I’ve paid the price a few minutes or hours later; and then I’ve kicked myself.  Just when I thought I had it good, I then realized…I’m no better.  I’m exactly the same.  I’ve judged before.  And now…I have no reason to judge at all.  I’ve laughed before, but now, I have no reason to laugh at all.  Before kids, I’ve shook my head when my friends put their kids behind the television and now, I’ll do it for some peace.  Crackers for lunch; not in a million years.  And now, crackers for dinner as long as she will eat.  I am not allowed to judge any other mother.  And, I will not do it.  I will empathize with them, hug them, and give them nothing but quiet understanding.  I expect the same in return.  So, I will not be mad at the mom who laughed at me today, because I have done the same in the past.  But, I will silently smile to myself when she is in the same predicament.  Because then I’ll know that the heavens are aligned and somehow, someway, karma will kick her in the face.  I don’t even have to see it.  But, I know its coming! 

With that said; so what…I had a bad morning.  But, I had a blissful afternoon.  And now, as I sit here with both my girls sleeping comfortably in their beds, I will sip my coffee, play with my IPhone, and unwind.  Because I know, once those girls wake up, there will be tears, whines, and tantrums; knocking me back into reality; letting me know that with the bad comes the good and with the disaster comes the success.  I had a bad morning, but right now, everything is looking up.  And, I’m getting a much needed and well deserved break after a crazy and extremely wild morning.  You know what that is….Karma; kissing me on the lips.