Beauty Redefined

On Saturday, my hairdresser put bleach blonde highlights in my hair instead of “just a tad lighter,” as I asked.  I mean, WHITE!!!  My over processed hair started breaking off at the ends as I brushed it.  My palms got sweaty and my heart started pounded.  “What the????”  I thought.  “OMG, I HATE IT,” I said.  “FIX IT!!!”  She honestly did the best she could (2 rounds of glaze) and after 4 hours, I was DONE!  “I’m done.  I don’t care how it looks!” 

She dried it and I looked at myself, skeptically.  “Are you ok,” she asked.  “I’m ok,” I responded.  “I guess I just have to own this Kim Kardashian look for 6 weeks.”  And I will.  Because I’m 34 and I don’t give a flying *&%@ what anyone thinks!!!!!  (Even my husband who said that he likes my hair brown).  PSSST!  Whatever

It took a long time for me to get to this place; a place where I can feel confident enough to own my over-processed bleach blonde F’ed up highlights.  I made it… (They actually aren’t that bad.  They’ve grown on me)…

But what about my girls…

Every morning, when my 4 year old daughter gets all ready for the day, she asks me, “How do I look?”  I always answer, “Well how do you feel?”  She says, “I feel great.”  And I say, “Well, that is all that matters. 

Then she asks, “Do I look sooo beautiful?”And I say, “Being beautiful is all about how you treat people and how you feel about yourself.”

Cue the glazed over eyes.  That glassy look.

Bueller?

She looks away and asks if I like her headband.  Sniff, gruff, <> “Yes, I do. And yes you are beautiful inside and out.” Baby steps.

* 7 in 10 girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way including their looks, performance in school and relationships

* 80% of children who are 10 years old are afraid of being fat.

* More than 90 percent of girls – 15 to 17 years – want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance, with body weight ranking the highest

                                                                        ~Source, Heart of Leadership

Staggering, right?!  I’m scared for my girls!!!!!!!!!  How did I get through it?  I literally have no idea.  Of course I struggled with my looks and my body throughout my life.  Of course!  I am only human.  But, how do I avoid this focus on beauty for my girls??  Rather, how will I get them through it?

I was thinking about it a lot this week; the concept of beauty. (Since my highlight debacle).  Finally, in my 30’s I’m starting to understand it a little bit more.  Sort of! I think when you figure out who you are and what you like about yourself, it just kind of falls into place.  I think it stems from a basic understanding of ourselves as well as from one of our New Year’s resolutions; acceptance.  Accepting ourselves is the first step.  How are we doing with that?

But, these feelings of acceptance do not happen overnight.  It takes time to grow and time to allow ourselves to let it in with open arms and give it a big old bear hug.  You’re in!  Allowing ourselves to feel beautiful the way we are is an amazingly beautiful concept.  It is one in which we must teach our children.

How do we do it?  We need to get to a place where we can feel happy and comfortable with ourselves as adults (even with bleach blonde highlights).  It is the only way we can help our children navigate through this world where self-esteem is the biggest issue to tackle of all, particularly for our girls.  But, this can apply to boys too…because what applies to everyone is summed up in one word, strength.  In fact, in order to get there, we have to kind of “unlearn” or “redefine,” if you will, what we have been shown throughout our lives with images and slogans.  Be strong enough to forget about it all…and remember who we are and what makes us special and drill this concept into our children’s brains.  Fill it up so it overflows. 

“You are strong.  You are special.  You are beautiful.  You are everything in between.  You don’t need to look like that or act like them.  You are your own person and you are beautiful the way you are!”

If they get it at home, will they need it elsewhere?

I wonder.

With that same thought however, the sad truth is that we cannot shield our children from the media blitz.  Slogans and images invade our minds; our children’s little precious, easily molded minds; images of beauty only being about what is on the outside, skin deep.  Make-up, underwear, clothing, etc.  It is that idea of IDEALS.  What we think we need to strive for; a place where most of us in the REAL world, cannot get.  But, that is quite alright with me at my age.  And, it is going to be quite alright with my girls, if I have anything to do with it.  (I hope!)  We do NOT need to strive to be Victoria Secret models.  We can strive to be comfortable in our own skin, however that is for you. 

I want to drill it in.  Being beautiful is about what is INSIDE!!!  Goodness!  It is to smile on the outside and make others smile on the inside.  That is beautiful.  I love beautiful people.  They are the ones that listen and care.  They are the one who open the door for me and ask me about how I’m doing.  They are the ones who come in every size and shape, but I find them beautiful nonetheless.  They are beautiful on the outside because they are beautiful on the inside.  We need to forget about what the world tells us is beautiful.  Too skinny, too strung out, too much of anything is never good.  Not beautiful!  We need to redefine beauty! Beautiful is learning how to own ourselves.  We can all rock what we got.  It is teaching our children to love themselves just the way they are.      

I hope I can teach my girls to be stronger than what they are told by the world and what they see. 

I hope all of our children can reinvent the wheel for the future and redefine what is beautiful. 

The Imaginary Line

Facebook is the DEVIL in sheep’s clothing; walking along tempting and taunting; luring you with that come hither pointer finger.  Come see this…you will feel SOOOOO bad about yourself or SOOOOO good about yourself.  Yin/yang.  Wonderful/horrible.  Beautiful/Ugly.  Facebook. Thumbs up/thumbs down!

But, for stay at home moms, (GASP, yes I said it) it is our way of staying connected.  Sometimes it is the only way.

What to do?  Ignore the devil or enlighten the angel?

Last Friday, I chose to ignore.  I did an experiment.  I willed myself not to look at my Facebook app from 9:30 am until 5 pm.  “My Pseudo Work Day.”  Usually, the app stays open all day long and I hear pings as I walk along through my world.  But, I was successful, whatever that means??!  I was successful in not looking at other people putting their best selves forward for almost 8 hours.  I was successful not seeing how wonderful everyone is doing and how gorgeous their food is/kids are/job is/life seems.  Yes, success.  I did it. 

Around 9:38 am, my heart started pounding, literally out of my chest.  Why?  THAT IS A PROBLEM!  Why must I know if my neighbor gave their infant rice cereal for the first time?  WHY?  Is my old friend from work still using the ERGO?  I hope nobody announces any pregnancies while I’m gone!  I’ll never know that my second cousin’s sister is pregnant with her 4^th child.  Am I missing some funny quote from ECARDS?  I feel like I want to laugh.  So anyway, I put on Modern Family.  That made me laugh.  That’s life, right??  HA!  NO!  Get a grip.  That’s not reality either.  Must.Find.Reality!

At 11 am, I took the girls outside and it was actually a beautiful day.  The sun hit my face and I said to myself, “this is going to be a great day.”  THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!  Willpower is my middle name.  I can forget about the people and the pictures for one day.  It started getting easier.  I started to feel a sense of calm.  I played with my girls with no distractions; for once.  I took them to get cupcakes and we played outside.  They were in good moods.  I was too. 

Around 1 pm, I felt happy.  Around 3 pm, I hit a wall.  The baby went down for a nap and my other daughter wanted to rest on the couch.  Is the WALL HERE?? Well…WALL HIT!!!  Bang!  #$%&!   At 4 pm, I sat down and decided to write this. 

And here I am.  The truth is I don’t know how I feel about it.  My new year’s resolution was to simplify and I thought the best way to do that was to take away any distractions in my life.  I am EASILY distracted.  I’m a mom.  That’s my excuse.  Facebook is my number 1 distraction.  Without that distraction, I will otherwise be submerged in toddler world.  Joy, yes…reality, yes…fun, sure…fulfilling, hmmm…life, absolutely.  I know it.  I get it.  But somehow, the clock will tick away, (tick tock, tick tock), and I will find myself in DESPERATE NEED OF A DISTRACTION!  I will be desperate to be alone but with company, some sort of imaginary company; the best of both worlds.  Being alone a lot is hard.

So, now what do I do?  I am going to give myself a break.  Facebook is essential in growing my business and staying connected, but to a point!  I realize that now.  There is a line that needs to be drawn in the sand for everything in life.  It isn’t something you will trip over.  It is something that is invisible to everyone else.  But, you can see it.  You know where it is.  You can walk over that line and feel ugly feelings, or stay on the other side of it…and feel a sense of calm for yourself and your children.  I don’t need to quit Facebook, but I know that I need to look less.  And when I’m looking, I need to tell myself that this isn’t real life.  Real life is sitting next to me right now watching Max and Ruby, and she smells like heaven on a stick.  I breathe her in and I know this is my reality.  Real life is getting drinks with my friends tonight to talk about my “experiment.”  Real life is hugging and holding and kissing and squeezing.  Flesh and blood; real.  Facebook; fantasy. 

Know your imaginary line.  Will yourself to stay on the right side of it, whatever it is for.  Is it that pesky cigarette?  Is it that extra plate of mashed potatoes?  Is it someone who tempts you to do something wrong?  Whatever it is, don’t cross it.  It will only get you in trouble.  For me, it is Facebook.  And for me, I am ready to make a change.

 

The Wrath of January

I thought January 24^th was supposed to be the most depressing day of the year?  It is supposed to be the darkest day of the year and the exact moment everyone fails miserably at their New Year’s Resolutions.  I was really looking forward to it.  (Insert dry cough).  Then, I heard about this blue Monday.  It was last Monday, the 6th.  This is new.  Ok, I’ll bite.  No wonder I was having a zinger of a day.

Can we all just collectively say that the whole month of January is depressing and move on?  We really don’t need to pin point one particular day.  Who makes this stuff up?  No seriously.  These evil depressing day makers are sitting in their lovely ivory tower laughing at all of the walking zombies…”look at them, they are miserable.  We did that!”  They high five and drink chi tea from their golden mugs and throw back their heads in laughter.  Job well done.

Yes, we get it.  January sucks!  You are stuck home with the kids and if you do venture out somewhere…somehow your child is puking his or her guts 2 days later.  That damn children’s museum!!!!!  Those germs!!!!  Did you see that kid with the cough?  GHAST!  All of the sudden, your throat gets dry, you cough a couple of times into your sleeve and you know it’s the beginning of the end.  JANUARY!

How can we survive?

If I am being honest, I am barely surviving.  Currently, my 2 year old is holding an unopened marker in each of her hands; red and green.  She is in the other room.  I am completely ignoring this situation.  If I walk in there and the walls are covered in marker, these 5 minutes of peace would have been worth it.  No amount of oxy clean can scrub away the happiness I feel from alone time.  My 4 year old has screamed “Cock a doodle doo” about 45 times… and I just told her not to pick her nose and eat it for the third time in 30 minutes.  My serenity is hiding under a pile of laundry, gasping for breath.  “HOLD ON SERENITY!!!  I’m COMING!!!”  I am frantically searching for it under unfolded tutus and tights. 

Do you ever think that your life leads you to this exact very moment?  I say that as I fold the penguin shirt, only to have my daughter come and throw it back in the pile.  I think about that concept whenever I’m doing something like fighting an endless battle of headband drama or pulling off a sticky lollipop piece from my pants.  My life has led me here... in January… to this very moment.  Who am I?  Maybe you say that to yourself as your teenager screams, “I hate you,” and storms upstairs.  You look in the mirror and see another gray hair emerge.  Perhaps you are doing a tap dance routine to get your picky child to eat?!  Whatever the case, we are here from the choices we made.  We have the make the most of it.  We cannot settle.  There has to be more for us!  There always is.  So, let’s be inspired…even in January. 

I went to an entrepreneur meeting last week with very inspiring Mom entrepreneurs.  As the host spoke, I realized how sometimes the most inspiring moments come from a simple fact that we are not alone.  One simple concept.  We are not alone.  Every single mom there has dealt with marker on the walls, food on the floor, and serenity in the lost and found.  We are all in this together.  That is the most comforting thought ever!  It allows us to take such a big concept as depression; shrink it down, and blow it out.  Poof.  Gone.  How can we be anything less than inspired, knowing there are other Moms out there who get it?!  I am inspired by the women I met.  They make me want to do more/be more/ see more/accomplish more/hope for more…

They make me know that there is greatness in waiting…in our reserve tanks…

It’ll come, when the time is right.

So, even if you feel the wrath of January, please know that we are all feeling the same thing.  Even as you are pleading with God to take you from this life of gray…try to find inspiration in someone or something which will take you through until spring. 

Hold on.  We are almost there.  The light is coming!

Resolutions

New Year’s Resolution #1: Focus.  Stop being the nutty professor.  I was such a scatter brain in 2013.  For example, I lost my keys once a week.  I would leave the gym; get to my car only to search my bag for five minutes.  I would then go back to the locker room to find them next to the sink.  How?  I misplaced my phone at least 5 times a day.  I would find random pieces of jewelry in random places (like my linen closet).  I would forget that I RSVP’ed to an event and miss it.  I would get a text the next day, “Where were you?”  Where was I for what?  Oh…that thing.  I totally meant to go…

So many balls in the air…so little time.  I can definitely change that this year.  Organize.  Focus.  Or else I have my neighbor who reminds me.  ;)

New Year’s Resolution #2: Don’t let my 2 year old drive me to drink. 

New Year’s Resolution #3: Patience

Happy New Year!  Those resolutions are kind of serious, but not really extremely deep.  Of course my 2 year old will not drive me to drink, although it seems like she gets me close when she squirts ketchup down my shirt on a random Tuesday.  The truth is, 2013 was a good year but the last month of it was rough.  I lost my way.  Lots of different stresses found their way to me in a short amount of time.  It felt like everything came at the wrong time, but thinking about it now makes me realize that maybe it came at just the right time.  It made me really look at everyone else’s resolution and with that it seems that I was able to let my real resolutions emerge...and heal.

Thanks for your help.

Thanks to everyone who sent me comments and messages of their New Year resolutions.  I loved seeing what other Moms wanted to resolve to do in 2014.  I loved seeing that it was more than just the cliché resolutions, there was thought involved.  Words like serenity, presence of mind, and perspective struck me.  These moms were really thinking about how to change for the better and not by changing something on the outside but the inside.  It always starts within.

After looking over what everyone wrote, I found 3 themes for 2014.

The first one is Acceptance.  I think we can all resolve to accept ourselves.  Accept our faults, accept our bodies, and accept our self worth.  With acceptance comes everything else.  If we accept ourselves how we are, changing becomes easier.  I accept me BUT…I can improve on this.  It doesn’t seem like such a hard thing to do, you know, change…when we give ourselves permission to love ourselves first.  I accept my mistakes.  I accept the fact that I had 3 miscarriages, 2 children, 2 c-sections, and a body that shows it.  My war wounds.  I accept the fact that I cannot be the perfect wife or mother at all times.  But, if we accept ourselves, I think that will help us all relax a little and find balance; knowing we do not have to do it all or be everything for everyone all the time.  Knowing we are ok if we don’t.  I hope the people in my life can accept me, mistakes and all.      

The second one is Simplify.   Google it.  Do you have an app for that?  I tweeted that out.  Did she give you a thumbs up?  Too much time looking at the phone.  Too many apps.  Too much information, not enough clarity.  In order to simplify, we need to give ourselves a break from social media and this idea of needing or wanting what others have.  The greatest thing about simplicity is that it doesn’t take a lot to achieve.  You do not have to make a lot of money to simplify.  You just have to find time for gratitude.  Or, like my mom always says, “be value-centered.”  When we remember our values, we are able to gain perspective.  Let’s take 10 minutes to ourselves where we can just sit and think in the quiet.  Think about what we truly value in our life.  Not things.  People.  Not apps but conversations.  Listen more.  Keep our heads up when we walk.  Appreciate the little things in life.  Watch and see.  Seems simple enough.

The final one is Detox.  And I don’t necessarily mean this by doing a cleanse or drinking a special juice all day.  I mean this by removing toxins from your life; anything that makes you unhappy and unhealthy.   Is there someone who mistreats you?  Well, don’t let them.  Do you want to be healthier?  Then don’t go for the foods that make you feel bad.  A lot of moms said they want to be healthier and more consistent in 2014.  Well then, remove the things from your life that prevent that.  This might be the hardest one to achieve because it makes you step out of your comfort zone.  Just remember, you allow others to treat you poorly if you let them.  After all, if we accept ourselves and simplify our life, getting rid of anything toxic, should be easy.  Good luck.

I just want to take the time to thank all of my readers who followed me from Growing Ladies and supported me in Mommy’wood.  I love writing for you and I’m excited to share more stories and ideas in 2014.

 I hope everyone finds the peace and serenity they are searching for this year.  I hope I do too.

Reality Check

I had this entire post mapped out in my head.  It was going to be called, “figure it out.”  It was going to talk about how we need to let our children figure things out for themselves.  How we need to let them independently play and sleep on their own.  How we shouldn’t constantly stimulate them with our efforts, or else they will never learn how to stimulate their own minds. 

You can’t get the fruit if you don’t climb the tree, sort of thing. 

But then my daughter had a bad week.  And I realized how very much our children need us and depend on us.  How much they rely on us.  How sometimes we have to climb the tree for them, pop that fruit off the tree, and spoon feed them. 

Without boring you with too many details, my 4 year old had hives, which we thought was an allergic reaction which escalated and spread and swelled and then turned into a low grade fever, which produced migratory joint pain, which resulted in 2 ER visits over the weekend.  Scary!

When our kids are sick, it’s bad, but when we don’t know what we are dealing with, it is worse.  It gave me a reality check.  As I sat next to my daughter in her hospital bed and she cried every time I left her bed, I realized that their independence is created by being with them and teaching them when they are young, in any way we can.

I want my children to be self-sufficient and independent.  I want them to have powerful imaginations and be creative in nature.  I would love for them to find fun in an open cardboard box.  I want them to build caves with it and imaginary houses and wear it on their heads as hats.  But, how will they know how to play with that box if we don’t teach them how to play with it first.  Sometimes we have to figure it out for them.  Sometimes we have to get them started.  That is what we are here for…at least at this age.  I’m sure one day they will use these tools and soar on their own.  For now though, we need to be present and spend our time being near, playing, answering questions, and teaching. 

I don’t want to be the Mom who says, “Go play.”  I want to remember to play with them.

I don’t want to be the Mom who says, “In a minute.”  I want to put down what I’m doing to be there now.

I don’t want to be the Mom who says, “I don’t know.”  I want to find the answers for them.

I don’t want to be the Mom who says, “Go watch TV.”  I want to use it as a last resort. 

I am not perfect and I know that I will say, “go play, in a minute, and I don’t know.”  I will turn on the TV when I need a minute to pull myself together.  But the least I can do is be aware of it and try, because I want to be the Mom who tries hard to be a good Mom.  I don’t want to shove my kids to the side, I want to embrace them.  Raising children is hard and sometimes it feels impossible to keep your mental state clear.  But, we have to try for them.  We have to remember why we signed up for this.

After such a long, brutal week, I’m happy to be mostly on the other side of it.  I’m grateful for reality checks here and there to keep me in check.  Otherwise, I would forget what my job truly entails…being there for them.