Mistakes and all...

I recently read a blog about a mom talking about how she makes mistakes and then forgives herself.  I really loved her post.  Of course it feels good to hear someone say that they  make mistakes.  And of course it makes me feel bonded with the writer because she must forgive herself for those miskes.  I completely agree, we will make mistakes and we do need to forgive ourselves if need be.  On the flip side however, I do think that moms these days are extremely hard on themselves.  What I notice from blogs and moms posting on facebook, etc., is that they want the best for their children.  Yes!  I get it.  You want the best for your children.  Of course.  No brainer.  BUT, with that on their minds, they put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect.  Perfect food, perfect play, perfect everything.  Lots and lots of pressure.  Who can live up?

I did like that post Alot.  In fact, I’m sure I wrote one or two about the same thing.  But, now I’m thinking, why do we even need to constantly forgive ourselves? It is exhausting.   As long as we are doing the best that we can for our children, we do not need to be forgiven.  We just need to live and be happy with the job we are doing.  We might yell, we might scream, we may look at our IPhone a little too much, and we may not know how to handle a tantrum the “right” way.  What we do is good enough because we are trying.  We are human.  In fact, mistakes make us better!      

I went out to dinner with my friends the other night and we were talking about how we can’t really remember “playing” with our mothers.  They worked or kept the house and brought us to school and picked us up and talked with us.  But, we couldn’t recall lots of ‘on the ground’ playing.  That isn’t to say they didn’t, I’m just saying, our moms took care of us.  And I know for a fact, they didn’t worry so much about everything else.  My one friend talked about how she remembers getting so excited when her mom pulled out the craft box and they made beach scenes.  She thinks it happened ONE time, but it was enough to make her remember.  It was enough for her to have FOND memories about her childhood: one afternoon at the craft table.  My mom did a really awesome Edith Ann impression.  Remember??  Edith Ann and that’s the truth! 

I remember one time sitting in the back of our car with a couple of other kids.  It was definitely late because the car was dark and my mom did the Edith Ann impression for all of us.  We loved it.  We laughed!  I don’t know how many times she did it in my life, but I remember that as her playing with us.  I remember playing a lot by myself.  I believe that allowed me to be a very independent person.  I believe it developed my imagination.  That is what kids need to do; be strong, independent thinkers.  They need to be able to find a stick and make up a story.  Mommy shouldn’t always be there, rocking and cradling and co-sleeping and giving in.  The best thing we can teach our children is how to be independent.

I hope you understand what I am saying.  I am trying to say that we don't have to put added pressure on ourselves to do the best crafts and get on the floor to spend hours playing with our kids.  What we are doing is enough, even if it is a little or even if it is alot.  AND, making mistakes is ok.  It is part of parenting!

I know I make mistakes, TRUST ME, I know.  But, I also know that I am doing the best I can.  And I don’t think I need to forgive myself because I am happy with the job I’m doing, mistakes, imperfections and all.    

The Little Yellow Flower

Last Saturday I met my girls and husband at swim lessons.  I come right from the gym so my husband has to get them “swim” ready.  You know, bathing suits, towels, packing the bag, etc.  AND, he has to get them out of the door by 9:45 which is a chore with my girls.  They sleep late!  Well, I waited for them on a bench and when they got there, I see my husband carrying the overstuffed, unzipped bag with diaper wipes falling on to the ground.  Kersplat!!

The little one is walking with him and my 4 year old takes off by herself in the parking lot.  A scene.  Slow motion…I saw it happening…she is running and I am screaming, “Stop, there are cars coming”… and then she is...falling!!!

She was running, running , running in uncomfortable little pink strappy sandals and a skirt and just.bit.it.  I knew it was going to happen.  I saw it coming.  The scene unfolded just too quickly and I just couldn’t get off the bench fast enough.  She started crying and I ran over and picked her up and brought her over to the bench.  The little one and my husband went inside and me and my older daughter hugged on the bench.  I said to her, “I feel so bad because you were running to see me and I was so happy to see you too, and then you fell.  I’m so sorry honey.”  And then she pulls back a little and whips out this tiny little yellow flower.  I said, “You were running to give me this flower?”  She nodded her head through her tears and with those skinned knees.  My heart just broke into tiny little itty bitty pieces and splattered all over the floor.  Crunch!

Do you ever have those heartbreaking moments for your child?  It absolutely warms your heart and breaks it at the same time.  I cry just thinking about her pulling out that flower.  It wasn’t any big profound moment or anything but it was one of those moments that just got me.  I could see her picking it, and then holding it in the car waiting to give it to me with a smile on her face, and then seeing me and running to give it to me, and then falling…2 seconds shy of getting it to me.  I don’t know.  It got me.

These kids; they take up so much of our time.  They cause us grief at times, frustration sometimes, worry and anger, etc.  Sometimes we need to yell into our pillows so we don’t yell at them.  Other times, we are rushing to the next thing, getting them to school, getting their shoes on, making sure they eat and drink and poop and pee.  And then sometimes, you have a moment that shows you the heaven sent angels that they are.  This tiny little flower represents my heart.  Because everything that she put into giving me this flower, the thought, the keep, the excitement and the fall…it became one of the most purest moments of my life.  I mean, I rarely cry over milestones.  I am pretty even-keeled.  But, that night when I was laying in bed with my husband, I just started crying as I spoke about it.  “She had this tiny little flower for me,” I said.  And he said, “I know, I had to wait for her to pick it even though we were running late and then she had to keep it safe in the car on the way.” 

I cried.  All for me?! 

These little kids are amazing!

A different Aura

So many people have been telling me that I seem like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I think it has been lifted off my hips.  But something has definitely been lifted; my spirits, my energy, and my happiness.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days but they are literally few and far between now.  There are more good days than bad and more energy than not.  Yesterday I ran around my backyard with my girls kicking the soccer ball and going down the slide.  Happiness.  I used to sit on the chair and watch them.  But, my 21 month old daughter’s eyes lit up when I went down the slide and ran with the ball.  “More” she said.  “More, mama”

As you know, I did a nutritional cleanse in the beginning of April…and haven’t looked back.   I’ve heard the whispers about it.  SCAM!  Well, what happens when it’s over?!  The truth is, it is only as good as you make it.  As my friend said, it is only a scam if you believe that after 30 days you can go back to old habits and expect NOT to gain the weight back.  It is a scam if I tell you can eat candy and lose weight.  It will come back if you don’t make a lifestyle change.  My life has changed for the better, because of it.

Since January 1^st, I have lost a total of 21 pounds.  If you are a follower of my posts, you know that I have been talking about my love handles for a solid year now.  I talked about the bar method 60 challenge and weight watchers, and so on and so forth.  When I found this cleanse program, I swear I found the best thing for me.  I used to look at posts on facebook from people talking about how happy they were and literally SNARL.  Grrr, you can't be that happy.  CURSE YOU!  But now, I can actually feel happy for others and for myself. 

I did the 30 day program and continued on a healthy life cleanse going forward as I try to reach my goal weight; a weight I haven’t been since my wedding day, June 12, 2004.  (And you all know how skinny everyone gets for their wedding). 

I am now at a weight that I haven’t been since 2005.  I never thought it was possible as I would get on the scale and just accept the way it HAD to be because of 2 children.  And apparently I don’t own a full-length mirror because how did I lose 21 pounds and still have more to go??!!!  HUH?!  But, regardless, I decided to make a change and I have never regretted my decision for one second.  I worked hard at it, but I am starting to really reap the benefits of my hard work, my focus, and the change that I feel. 

Jan 2013May 2013

My good friend said to me, “I don’t want to do the program because I don’t want my kids to see me popping pills and drinking shakes.”  I replied, “it isn’t for everyone.”  I wanted to say, “It isn’t like that,” but I refrained because it ISN’T for everyone.  But, I want my kids to see me happy and healthy.  I want them to see me focused and motivated to attain a goal that CAN be reached.  I want them to see me succeed, empowered, and changed.  I want them to see me run.  I want them to see me ‘do.’  I want them to see me ‘be’ better than I was.  I want them to see me eating healthy dinners and choosing healthy snacks.   I choose health, happiness, and nutrition.

I have changed, inside and out.  My aura is lighter, brighter, and happier.  The change is because of the cleanse but has been brightened through my new attitude.  “Yes, I can.”

 

Angelina's Hope

My dad was an oncologist for 30 years.  He was an AMAZING doctor.  I had the privilege of working with him for a couple of summers here and there and then after graduation while I received my Master’s degree.  I coordinated studies for new drugs on the market like Amgen’s drug Aranesp.  Aranesp is used to treat low red blood cells (anemia) in the body which is caused from patients undergoing chemotherapy.  I had 10 patients that I was in charge of during the study.  I liked the job.  I learned a lot about cancer and effects of chemotherapy and drugs used to treat it.  I remember one day however, I went home in tears when one of my favorite patients from the office passed on.  I could NOT imagine doing what my dad did for a living.  He would come home some nights and sit in his black chair in the quiet.  I didn’t realize then, but a rough day in the workplace was not a spreadsheet oversight.  It was much, much more.  But on the flip side, he said that one thing he always told his patients was to never give up hope.  He never counted anyone out, no matter how dire the diagnosis seemed.  That is why I believe he saved SO MANY LIVES!  He never gave anyone “Chances,” because everyone is different and sometimes the ‘will to live’ is a treatment in it of itself.  There was always hope. 

The patients that I came across were wonderfully optimistic and kind.  Most of them were pretty old (like my favorite patient that passed; in his 80's) but every once in a while a young Mom would walk in or a 20-something young man and my heart would start racing and my mind would start worrying.  I would smile to offer, well…something.  Then, I would see my dad put his hand on their shoulder and they would laugh and I thought to myself, NOW THAT IS A DOCTOR!  He offered them support and encouragement and sometimes that is all someone needs… treatment and support.  They would smile through the thick of it and then one year later walk into the office in full remission, stronger.  Those were the stories I held on to and the images I keep with me.  Recovery! 

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That is the type of story I want for my friend's daughter, Angelina.  To fight, smile through the thick of it from an array of support, and to come out stronger.

When my friend’s 3 ½ year old daughter Angelina was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma, I felt devastated for her and her family.  It is absolutely unfair!!!!!!! 

 I lived my life hearing the word cancer, growing up in a household where my dad cared for cancer-striken patients but somehow, what I learned about cancer didn’t matter.  As much as I know and have learned through the years; it all went to hell in a handbag because a little girl got sick.  Why is our first question.  How can we help is our second. We cannot answer the why, we know it isn't fair,  but we can damn well help!

First way to help is to donate food, funds, and/or support.  Lots of helping hands has set up a website for Danielle (the mother) and her family. And Please follow Angelina’s army on facebook and continue to go to the website for updates through Angelina’s fight to beat cancer.  It is also set up that you can donate NOW so please do so.  This family needs every little bit.  Please help. 

http://www.angelinasarmy.com/ 

https://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/704420/

Second: The mother, Danielle is a stroller strides instructor.  I took the class when my older daughter was a baby for as long as she sat in the stroller.  Danielle started the Bergen franchise and has done an AMAZING job at making it grow.  While she is out taking care of her daughter, it is important that her business continues to grow so please check out a class or share this information.  I met her when Angelina was a baby and watched her and her brother crawl around the double stroller for an hour for many months.  Here is the link to sign up for classes.  They have many different programs for the mom without having to get a babysitter.  I loved doing it and wish I could still go, but my girls won't sit in a stroller anymore.

http://northern-nj.fit4mom.com/classes-events

This family is going to endure a lot.  But, with our help, they will get through it and little sweet Angelina will beat it.  She is young and strong and full of life.  She is a fighter!  So please help her and her family. 

Throughout my life, I have heard about cancer and my knowledge has grown but let me tell you one thing that I know for certain, there is always hope and there is always support.  Let’s prove that!

Please share!

Only the Mom...

You know what I was thinking, how nobody else in the world knows how you feel, except for the person going through the same thing you are. 

A soldier can only know what another soldier went through.  His or her wife or husband just cannot fully get it.  And so sometimes, it is only their soldier friends who they can talk to.  We cannot grasp the life of a doctor when he or she loses a patient.  Only another doctor can say, “I know, I’ve been there.”  We cannot get the highs and lows of the markets unless we are “living” the markets and working the markets.  We can listen and watch CNBC, but we will not truly understand it unless we are working on Wall Street.  Grandparents cannot get it because they don’t fully remember the day to day.  And, times have changed.  Husbands/Fathers cannot get it, because they get snippets of the life.  Your best friend (with no kids) cannot fully understand the life of a mother until she is shushing her screaming baby at 4 am. 

The point is, we can never understand someone else’s reality unless we are in it.  We cannot fully get it. 

Yesterday I kind of had a low day.  The only person in the whole world I wanted to talk to was another mom.  I called my friend and we met at the park and hashed it all out.  We hashed out life based on our realities.  We were able to do that because we can fully understand what the other person is going through.  It gave me perspective.   Only the MOM, the beautiful MOM, can sit down next to you on a bench and get it.

I don’t have a lot to say today.  But I want to just give a tribute to all of the mom’s out there who wipe poop, rock babies at 2:30 am, chase a running toddler out the door, deal with tantrums on a daily basis, and do it all with all the love in the world.  YOU truly get it.  Thank you.

Growth Spurts

Getting thrown into motherhood is actually crazy if you think about it.  I mean, I literally felt like a child when I had a child and I was 29 years old.  I felt like you saw me picking my nose in the corner of the room like 2 seconds ago.  I’m a 4^th grader.  How can I raise a child?

When I was pregnant for the first time and registering, I was talking to a friend who already had a baby and she laughed when I didn’t know what a snap N go was.  “Hahaha,” she laughed, “it’s a stroller.”  Well, it sounded like some sort of easy diaper contraption to me.  How am I supposed to know?!  I also didn’t know I needed to get a bumbo seat.  Why?  And why do I need 3 different strollers?  Confusing.

It takes a while, to get the groove.  I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing at first.  Swaddling never happened with my first one.  I remember handing her over to my mother for help and she was in a t-shirt and diaper at like 8 days old.  My mom was like, “she is probably freezing,” and I was like, “but its summer.”  And she responded, “But the air conditioning is on and she was just born.”  Oh.  Ok.  “let me find some pants.”

Sometimes being a mother is counting down the minutes to bed time and sometimes it is not.  Sometimes it is lying with your 3 year old daughter because she wants you to, even when it isn’t your turn to put her to bed.  Sometimes you do it because you are her mother.  That is what mother’s do.  That is what my mother did for me.  I cannot forget that, even when I want to go downstairs and catch up on General Hospital. 

See, I think you grow into motherhood.  You have growth spurts along the way; like losing your temper when she doesn’t listen.  But then realizing that she is tired and hungry and so then you keep your calm.  Or trying to make sure she uses the potty before we leave, but then realizing that you cannot force anything with a child, and letting her go when she needs to go.  (on the side of the parkway in the back of the car on a potty seat).  Sometimes I think it is letting them play independently at the park and sometimes it is singing to them while they swing.  And as they move their heads from side to side, you realize that is what mother’s do.  They sing and swing.  You do it because you want to and because you are their mother and that is what they need at the moment.  That is what makes them happy and so that is what makes YOU happy too.    

I’m growing into motherhood.  I’m realizing my place. 

Growing into motherhood is finding your inner “mom” voice; not the screaming one…the quiet delicate one.  The one my mother has.  The one that scares away the monsters, kisses boo-boos and sings them to sleep.  The one I’m sure I’ll keep searching and finding and grasping as I grow up and as my kids grow as well. 

I felt it last night.  When my husband was reading to my 3 year old in bed and I laid there next to her and listened.  She kept turning to me and asking, “did you hear that part Mommy?  What do you think will happen next?”  I would have missed that if I would have told her to go up alone with daddy for bedtime.  I would have missed her elation at my presence in bed with them.  I would have enjoyed my alone time but now I know, I will never get that moment back.  That is realizing motherhood.      

I’m growing as my little ladies grow and I’m learning along the way…

Happy Mother’s Day

…to all the mothers and the Mom’s to be.  May you continue to find your voice, trust your instincts, and appreciate all that you already are.

Beauty within, beauty without...

As you know, I did a nutritional cleanse during the month of April.  Through the process, I have reemerged as a new person.  There is nothing that makes someone feel better than getting proper nutrition and doing something positive for themselves.  And as I started seeing results, I started becoming happier, more positive, and content.  The stress I felt before as a mother was off the charts.  Poor nutrition, addiction to coffee, and bad food choices was not working for me as a person.  But now, I’m here, on the other side, and feeling like I did years and years ago.  Before mortgages, bills, spilled milk and crusty crumbs, was a person looking for something more.  Here I am.  Thank you Isagenix.  I found it through the month of April. 

April showers bring May flowers…

Beauty is an inward relationship that someone has with themselves.  That is why I have to agree with these Dove campaigns.  They show women every shape and size and the fact that they are beautiful. Because there is nothing more beautiful than someone who is happy within themselves.  I believe in the message of building self-esteem for our children as well.  While I don’t agree with making outward appearance an issue, I do believe that someone has to feel good about themselves on the inside to be happy and emerge as beautiful outside. 

What will I teach my daughters?

My 3 (almost 4) year old daughter rubbed my arm and told me, “Mom, you look skinny.”  YIKES!  While I know that she doesn’t exactly know what that means.  I’m sure she heard someone else telling me that recently since I lost weight, but I did stop dead in my tracks.  “Thank you,” I said, “you know that means I’m strong right?”  “Right, “she said, “Because you exercise.”  “Yes,” I said, “I exercise to stay healthy.”  I don’t want the word “skinny” in her brain as something she must fight for.  I just want her to be her and try and be healthy as she grows.  I also want to help build self-esteem any way I can.  Building self-esteem is an every day job.  I am sure I make mistakes but I know I try to give her lifts as we move through our day.    

When she asked me the other day if she looked beautiful, I told her she is beautiful because she is kind to others and happy and that makes someone beautiful.

The people I find most beautiful in my life are the ones that look me in the eye and smile.

The ones that can give someone else a lift, are the ones I find amazingly perfect.  After all, you don't remember what someone looked like when you leave, you remember how they made you feel.

Dove is on the right track.  With daughters, you start to scrutinize messages out there.  I know we cannot shelter them from these messages but we can react and teach by using them.  I really don’t want her to pay attention to the Victoria Secret ads out there.  I don’t want her growing up wearing the underwear they are making for children now.  I’m not going to get up in arms about it, but I won’t buy it for them.  There are standards about beauty that we must set for our children.  And not just the girls.  Parents of boys have a greater responsibility to teach their sons about respect and what they should look for in someone else.  We, as parents, have the ability to make this country great, by teaching our children about value, respect, and what being beautiful really means.

My girls love princesses and dress up because it makes them happy.  I would never take that away from them because after all, it is their happiness that I find most beautiful.

I know I lost weight and I’m happy about it.  I will try to not make it all about that.  I will try instead to make it about how I feel inside!  For me, losing weight has helped me find something inside that might have been missing before.  Getting out of the rut, feeling strong and healthy, is something that everyone should strive for…

And being beautiful will shine out when happiness and health are one.