My Why (11/3/14)

I’m sitting here at 9:30 at night, drinking a root beer, and making sure my big belly doesn’t hit the computer.  I think it’s the appropriate size for a 5 month pregnant woman, but who knows.  Everyone carries different.  Sometimes I feel like saying I’m a few weeks ahead of what I am because I think my belly looks bigger than it should.  But I resist.  As my husband says, “nobody cares.”  Oh dear husband, I beg to differ.  Everyone has an opinion…

It is so funny, when you are pregnant, people ask you the 5 famous questions:

1.       When are you due?

2.       How many weeks are you?

3.       How are you feeling?

4.       Do you know what you are having?

5.       Will you find out?

I mean, I can be at the line in Dunkin Donuts trying to hide from the masses that I want a pumpkin pie donut and a stranger will turn to me and ask, “when are you due and what are you having.”  I just LOVE (insert sarcastic voice) when strangers try to guess what I’m having.  “I think it’s a girl,” they will say.  It is at that moment when I want to punch them because I know what that means.  That means my face looks fat and I’m carrying everywhere.  Thanks A LOT!!!!

I love the people that say, “I think it’s a boy because your face hasn’t changed.”  Thank you, even if it is a lie.  Just.don’t.look.down.  But thank you.  I love you.

It is so hard to be pregnant now-a-days.  It is hard for someone like me to hear all about the people who only gained 20 pounds when they were pregnant.  I don’t resent them, I just don’t understand it.  It isn’t me.  I gain weight.  I am trying hard to eat right (besides pumpkin pie donut) and I am still exercising, but my body is going to do what it is going to do (says my friend trying to pump me up).  I have to be ok with it.  I have to try and love myself.  It is HARD WORK, to love yourself as your body gets plump and changes.  I have to remind myself of the miracle inside me to get me through the stretch marks starting to form and the scale starting to tip.  I feel exhausted from it, mentally and physically. 

I felt like I was losing my “why.” 

Not in my children and having another baby, but in life.  When your pants split and you are running to the kitchen to shove something in your mouth so you can stop dry-heaving, and your doctor asks how you are feeling and you burst into tears.  You have to dig deep to find your “why.”

How on earth do we dig deep sometimes?  Who do we lean on?  Ourselves?  People who support us?  Where do we go to dig deep?  How do we access it? 

I don’t know.  I guess we have to take away all the outside noise.  I guess we have to forget about the past and the future and focus on the now.  And if you are struggling with a bout of dry-heaving or a fussy baby or toddler, or the loss of someone important in your life, or a child with special needs.   I guess you have to figure out your “why.”  I think it might be always there waiting to be recognized.  

I felt like I was losing my way.  And then I went to the doctor for my level 2 scan and found out I am having another girl.  I started laughing.  I can’t stop laughing.  It is so funny to me because it is so beyond beautiful to me.  My 2 little girls get to have the gift of a sister.  That’s my why.  And who I am is changing and emerging into someone different, a mom of 3 little girls.  I am also a wife and a friend, a sensitive soul, someone who is trying to figure out a place in this life; to figure out who my real friends are and who or what deserves a place in my heart.  Our “why” will change as we grow but life will give us hints as to where to look for it.

The days are long but the years are short.  We always have to think about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  And we can’t see that rainbow unless we bear a little rain.  Our why is getting through the rain and seeing that rainbow in the clear blue sky.  A thing of beauty.  Our why is getting to the pot of gold and throwing those gold coins in the air and saying, “I did it.  I made it through.”

Is it a successful business launch?  Is it a completed house renovation?  Is it seeing your little 4 year old boy learn how to give you a thumbs up for the first time?  Is it a hug and kiss at the end of the day from your wife?  Is it CEO?  Is it your growing family?

Or like me, is it a baby girl?