Badge of Honor

The other day I was on the phone with my dad.  He asked me, “What’s new?”  “Well,” I responded, “I’m reading a book called The Power of Now.  I’m trying to find my center.” 

I literally haven’t heard my dad laugh like that in a while.  I laughed too because I like being funny without trying.  It is nice to get a reality check sometimes.  “Well, let me know when you do,” he said.  Oh I will.  Actually he will know because I’ll always be smiling.  I don’t like when my 2 year old looks at me and points and says, “Grumpy Mama!”  “IT’S THE WINTER,” I snip back.  Gosh!   

How do I smooth out these permanent frown lines between my eyebrows??  It has been a long one.

Anyway, I think so many things have changed since we were young.  I’m not sure if our Grandma’s tried to ‘find their center.’  My grandma just had a bunch of children (6).  I don’t think they thought of these things.  They truly didn’t have time to think of what in fact ‘centered’ them.  Back then, center meant the middle of a circle. Right?  It was simple for them.  Moms were better if they sacrificed everything. Period.  I feel like maybe we were trained to believe that, even now.  SELF-SACRIFICE=BETTER MOM.  They wore it like a badge of honor.  Not now.  Now, everything is different.  We, as moms, are on the path to being whole women.  We have hobbies, we work, we read, we think, and we find time for ourselves.  We are doing more, being more, becoming more…

Not to take anything away from our grandparents.  They truly didn’t need anything more.   But, the world is different now.   It is ok to want more.

The truth is this; we are more than just the one thing, Mom.  Some might say that this is all we should be.  Those are the ones who are threatened by it.  Because there is nothing wrong with being more than one thing.  Being a mom does NOT define us.  Being a wife does NOT define us.  Everything we are, defines us.  I want my kids to see me in my work-out clothes, running out the door and down the block with my headphones on.  I want them to catch a glimpse of me at the computer.  I want them to see someone walk through my front door fitter and stronger because I helped them.  I want them to know there is a lot that they can be.  I want them to want it.     

This isn’t just for women though.  This is for everyone.  My husband just joined a softball league.  He practiced last Saturday afternoon.  It was a sunny day and he was gone for half of it.  While he was gone, my daughter decided to poop her underwear.  MOTHER OF…

But, I’m glad he is doing what he needs to do.

I just threw her in the bath and smoothed out my eyebrow wrinkles with lotion.

Stuck my badge on my heart and moved on. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my husband apologizing for forgetting to be a wife sometimes, which I stand by.  Sometimes however, I feel as if I should be writing a letter to myself, to us…all moms.  A reminder.  We need to tell ourselves to go a little easy on us.  We are only one person.  We only have 2 hands.  We are only human. 

Dear Us,

I’m sorry that you feel like you are walking uphill without a rope sometimes.  I know it is hard to be everything to everyone. It’s not possible and it is ok if you cannot.   You are not selfish if you take time for yourself.  You should not feel guilty if you crave and desire your own hobbies and interests.  You are one person and if you let things slip through the cracks, it is only natural.  The only thing that matters is if you try and do your best as a mom, as a wife, and as a person.  Keep trying.  Keep going for what you want.  Remember that you are teaching your children how to be whole by being whole yourself.  Instead of wearing self-sacrifice like a badge of honor, we should be wearing self-love as a badge of honor.  Wear it proud.  Show it off.  Be whole.  Be more.  Keep Going.     

Love,

Me

Let It Go

As a mom, do you spend too much time feeling guilty when we you take time to yourself?  Do you rush through the gym because you feel like you HAVE to get home to the fam?  That mom guilt is overrated.  It’s time.  It’s your turn.

One reason (among many) the movie Frozen got it right, the song “Let it go.” 

Are you signing it in the shower?  I am.  It is my new mantra!  And as I sing it, I believe I am teaching myself and my children all about this beautiful feeling, the capability of letting it all go.

As Moms, isn’t this the hardest thing to do?  Maybe we are having a bad day and yell a little more than usual.  Maybe you are deciding mid-SCREAM that you cannot GET THROUGH SLEEP TRAINING!!! Are you 60 years old and now regretting being an absentee parent? 

Are you like me?  Sometimes I lie in bed and regret the choices I’ve made that day.  I chide myself.  Oftentimes, I even tell my husband when he gets home that I was a “terrible mom” today.  It is hard to let go of things we’ve said to our children; things we’ve done, the actions we took.  Why did we lose our patience?  What made us yell in the moment?  Why does it seem as though we are completely missing the mark? 

Why can’t we let it go?

And then what happens?  We get discouraged and we act accordingly.  Maybe I’m already in the black hole so instead of climbing and clawing out one death grip at a time, I stand there, frozen…unable to move toward the light, toward peace.  My chiding becomes my inner dialogue.  “I can’t.  I’m not.  I won’t.”  I make myself believe that I am not good enough.  But as parents, we cannot do that; as people we can’t.  There is another way.

I’ve spoken before about a mother’s need for perfection.  Yes of course we want everything to be perfect.  Why wouldn’t we?  The truth is we cannot be perfect.  Nothing is perfect.  What we must do is accept who we are, own our mistakes, and then let them go.  We need to be enlightened!  We need to give ourselves a moment to own whatever mistake we might have made and then move right on, onward and upward. 

Where are we going? 

We are moving toward perfect harmony, and that only comes when we ACCEPT OUR TRUE SELVES!  Accept the way that we are as moms.  “That perfect girl is gone.  Here I stand, in the light of day”  When we release that idea of perfection, our true selves come barreling out…and guess what…we are pretty wonderful.   “Let the storm rage on…” around us.  Let other people try to tell us how to do it better.  Let them try and tell us we are not good enough, whoever they are.  Let them just try!!!  But, we won’t bite.  We know how to own ourselves and let everything else go.  Our inner dialogue should be singing our own praises!  We should be singing the words with all of our might!!!!

And if you aren’t there, get there.  It is all about your mindset. 

“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small.  And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all” 

Isn’t that what Elsa did?  She took her life into her hands, embraced her powers, decided without doubt to be herself, and put the past behind her; she let it go.  And then she built a really kick-ass castle.  What a powerful thought.  She let it go and then she built something wonderful.  What are you building?  A Family?  A business?  An empire? 

“It’s time to see what I can do.  To test the limits and break through”

We can do that.   

I went and saw a motivational speaker a few weeks ago, a man named Jeff Combs.  He spoke about being able to be objective, to evaluate and see a situation for what it is.  He talked about reasons why we can be sensitive and defensive.  Most of all, he talked about letting it go.  Let go of doubt, let go of the pain from your past, let go of the guilt, and let go of the “control you feel to be out of control.”  Does that make sense to you?  It honestly took me a good 5 minutes to comprehend that.  Let go of this mindset you might be feeling of being out of control.  I have been there.  Too much laundry.  Kindergarten registration.  HOW ON EARTH AM I GOING TO GET 2 MONTHS OF PSE&G BILLS BY TOMORROW??  How will we get it all done? 

I’m still working on it.  But as he says, feeling out of control is a mindset.  Get your world under control.  Start one thing at a time, one moment at a time.  Start now.  Let go of the past and move forward.  You are worth it.

Look, I’m not spiritual leader.  But, I am trying to be a better mom and person.  I am getting addicted to growing as a human being.  I hope you will come on this journey and grow with me.  Together, we will all find happiness, uncover our true selves, and in the end we will be better moms and people.  It all starts when we listen to Elsa.  She knows the truth.  Sing it Elsa!  Sing it sisters!

“Standing frozen in the life I’ve chosen.  You won’t find me; the past is all behind me.”

 

Magical Mom

I know I complain sometimes.  I know that I talk about the reality of motherhood a lot.  I know that sometimes it isn’t pretty.  That is because I know it’s hard.  You know that too.  Maybe I just want to connect to other moms.  Maybe I want to find humor in the hardship.  But sometimes, what I fail to talk about is what I know is in all of our hearts all the time…the magic.

Sometimes I think it is amazing that mothers hold a little magic in their hands at all times.  The other day, I was leaving the house.  I was walking out and both my girls were running after me, (the little one in tears) and I smiled, closed the glass door, and blew fog onto the other side of it.  I made smiley faces and hearts all over the door.  They just stood there, amazed at the magic I was creating through the glass, i.e., nothing special to any of us.  Anyway, I waved and they waved back and started blowing their own fog on the window and making hearts and smiley faces (with huge smiles on their own faces).  No more tears.  I got into my car, pulled out and saw them standing at the door; I smiled to myself.  How easy?!  How magical to them!

They’ve got something we need.

They are able to see the magic in the mundane. 

Every night I sing to my daughter.  She wants me to sing the “Ariel song”…you know…”Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat, wouldn’t you think my collection complete.”  And I mean, I sing it.  I’m a HORRIBLE singer but I sing the crap out of it.  I close my eyes and act like I am some sort of pop singer on her stage (my real dream in life).  My little one LOVES it.  My older one listens at the door too.  To them, I must have the most magical, gorgeous voice because the little one asks for it…every.single.night.  I am more than happy to comply.  It is 5 minutes that I feel like I am soooo good at something I know I am soooo bad at.  “Mama, you sound like Ariel!!!”  The tables have turned.  It is such magic for me.  Such joy for her.  (Until she screams “NO NIGHT NIGHT”—every single time!!!)  ZAP!

Life is in brilliant COLOR for them.  There are no gray February skies in their world.  No snow storms and shoveling.  They see magical bright white flakes sparkling from the sky.  They hear beautiful magical musical voices.  They see enchantment. 

We need to see that too. (Especially when we are shoveling 14 inches of compact ice)!!!

I know we are here to teach our children right from wrong.  I know we are supposed to get them ready for the “rules” of life.  But sometimes I can sit here quietly and let them teach me.  Sometimes I know I need to let them teach me how to laugh more and see more magic.  I know I can learn more from them than I did in high school, college, or even grad school.  I am learning to see the magic inside myself, by seeing the magic they see in me.  When I sing, when we dance together to Rhianna, when I blow fog on the door, when I make a side braid like Elsa, when I make toast just perfectly with just the right amount of butter, when I color a rainbow…all these ordinary things.  I am learning to see the magical aspects of them that have otherwise been lost to me.  I am starting to understand that being a mom is so much more than teaching right and wrong, getting them ready for school and making their meals.  It is about loving ourselves and our children; it is about finding joy in the uninteresting as they do; it is about magic and love. 

I just asked my 4 year old what the most magical thing about me is.

She came over to me and gave me the biggest hug.  She said, “That…hugs.”  There is nothing ordinary about that.  In fact, it was the most magical thing I have ever heard.