Unspoken Truths

Motherhood is hard.  There are so many silent rules to abide by; so many unspoken truths, judgments.

If everyone just went with their gut and trusted their instincts, everything would be a heck of a lot easier that is for sure.  If most everyone accepted you for what you were, even easier.  But life is not like that.  And when something goes haywire, people are there…waiting for your actions and ready to go home and tell so and so, how they would have done it differently.  Can you believe she did that?  I would NEVER do such a thing….

Judgment.  It doesn’t end when you get your diploma senior year of high school.  It follows us everywhere.  It continues on through your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and so on.  You know when it pops up, this ugly judgment, when you have a bad moment.  The times you feel like a failure, when you feel like you are the only one in the history of the world who has ever been in this moment.  You know people are watching your every move, ready to pounce; claws sharp. SCRATCH!

I had a moment like that the first day of school.  My 4 year old was nervous to say the least; she gave herself a wicked stomach ache from those nerves.  She was quiet about it.  But, I knew.  I tried a little reverse psychology.  You know, if your friend Olivia cries, you should try and make her feel better, ie. You won’t have a chance to cry because you will be taking care of your friend. 

Good plan?  Nope.  Well of course I dropped her off to the worst tantrum in human history.  Kicking, screaming, and flailing arms and legs, loud cries, heartbreak.  I couldn’t walk away.  I felt like the only mother in human history to have to deal with something like that, EVER.  I know I’m not.  But, I felt it.  I felt like the worst mom.  Of course my daughter isn’t flexible and adaptable.  Of course.  I’m a failure.  Deep down, I know it isn’t true.  But, I walked home crying.  I usually never cry.  But, I threw myself a really awesome, well deserved pity party, wine included.  Did the other moms judge me?  Who knows?  A few are friends and I know they didn’t, but perhaps the others?!  The truth is, I judged myself, harshly.

At the end of the day, are we are own worst critic?  As moms, we don’t need others to judge us, because we do an amazingly stellar job doing it ourselves.  Some moms will judge us.  But the good news is, we do NOT have to be friends with them.  We do not have to accept it as our truth.  We do NOT have to care.  Judgment is here to stay, it is everywhere.  And sometimes people try to expose what is wrong with you because they cannot handle what is right!  It doesn’t matter if you are a CEO, a housewife, a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, it is always there.  People will always have an opinion about others.  And some people will bring down others to make themselves feel better.  Human nature.

BUT, there is always support.  As moms, that is OUR universal unspoken truth.  Other moms will support us.  Yes, they will.  The good ones. Those are the ones we can socialize with and keep close.  Nobody is sitting on their high horse waving down at the crowd with a ‘best mom ever’ sash waving in the wind for good measure.  If they are, then I don’t think they are the best mom.  The best moms are humble.  The best moms will always be striving to do the right thing and to try and be better.  That mom on top of that horse will come crashing down the minute she realizes that she will be up there alone. 

Down here, the rest of us will have hard moments, sulk a little, and then get up the next day with renewal to try again.  We have to.  We must keep going for our children and for ourselves.  And the text messages I got from the moms who are supportive are the ones I hold dear.  And the daggers thrown at me today or in the future will be bounced off my titanium shell.  We are too old for that.  We are in this together.  We judge ourselves enough.  We, as moms, need each other.  Remember that, when you are the one that feels like a failure.  You are not alone.  There will be someone, another mom perhaps, who will lift you right up again and tell you that she will cry right there with you.  

Today I woke up to a brand new day.

 

 

 

 

Low Expectations

Everything sounds good on paper.

When I was pregnant with our first child, my husband would act all excited and pretend to throw a fake baby in the air.  I would laugh but then hesitate and say, “You know you can’t do that with a newborn.”  He would snicker and say, “of course.”  But then I would look at him with a sideways glance.  Hmmm, I wasn’t so sure he knew.  I don’t think he really knew what to do with a baby.  And, I don’t think he knew what on earth was coming. 

Fast forward to now, 2 kids later (ages 4 and 2), and we have realized that life with small kids is never what it seems.  It is harder than we thought and more mentally draining than we could have ever imagined.  We realize now, going into anything with children, is making sure you start the process with nothing more than low expectations.

I think it took a little while for my husband to understand this rule.  He would come to me, guns a BLAZING with plans.  Zoo, amusement parks, water parks, sleepovers…you name it.  “Ummm,” I would respond, “well, you see…” how can I say this?? “I’m not quite sure it would work well.” 

“How will we know if we don’t try,” he would say.  “Right.  Ok then.  Let’s try it.”  You’ll see… (Insert evil laugh here).

The Zoo – kids complained that they were tired 5 minutes into the walk.  The choo choo train wait was 10 minutes and 10 minutes too long.  The little one was scared of the animals.  “Let’s go see the bear,” I would say with fake amusement in my voice.  “I don’t want to see the bear,” my 4 year old would say.  “Mama, no bear,” my 2 year old would repeat.  “Look at those turtles, aren’t they big,” desperation in my tone, “Yes, they are too big.”  BOLLOCKS!  And why even bring a stroller.  Nobody wants to sit.  Everyone wants to run in different directions.  When I finally got my 2 year old actually IN the stroller, she wanted the umbrella up and then down, up and down… and then I put it up and her finger got caught.  We left the zoo screaming.  FAIL!

The amusement park – We traveled 3 hours to go to a place called Dutch Wonderland.  My 4 year old got scared and cried hysterically on the second ride.  And when she starts…

The waits were all 20 minutes or more.  The carousel was too fast. (Said 4-year old).  The amusement park princess had a dress that wasn’t pink enough.  Huh?  The day was too long.  The only thing my little one wanted was an ice pop.  “MAMA, ICE POP, MAMA ICE POP!” We could have done this same song and dance at home?!  My husband left the park stating, “I guess we aren’t ready for Disney.”  No.  Not ready.  “That wasn’t what I thought it would be,” he finally said.  I mentally did a cartwheel of glee but inside I wish the lesson could have been learned with a 5 minute drive. 

Plans…with kids…never go as you imagine them.  When you go in to these plans, you must know that you cannot go in to them with high expectations.  Expect freak outs.  Expect tantrums.  Expect the worst.  Then, when it goes well, it feels like the GREATEST DAY EVER!!!!  Sometimes however, it is best to skip the plans, stay home, and play with crayons and paper.  Sometimes they have the best time rolling in the grass.  Often enough, we don’t need these BIG plans to make our kids happy.  We just need to BE WITH THEM.  That seems to do the trick.  Because if we think we are going to be the ones singing, skipping, and smiling while we lick a lollipop to go see the bears, we are going to be sadly mistaken. 

Sometimes the best plans are the plans that involve little planning.  Those moments that we find mediocre are actually the moments that are shaping their childhood.  Playing with the hose for an hour while we clap…sitting at the table talking about the best parts of our day…laying on the floor in our dining room, side by side looking up to see rainbows reflected on the ceiling.  These are the happiest moments.  No money involved.  No long 3 hour trips.  Just us.  No expectations.

 

Having it All

If you missed it on http://www.ridgewoodmoms.com/#!mommywood/c1ex9  Here it is...

 

 

The age old question arises…can the woman and/or the mom have it all?

I’m sitting here writing this with a pile of laundry on the bed next to me, literally a pile; little toddler bathing suits and loose socks missing the match.  The nitty gritty of life is exactly that, but the truth is, even when women have it all, they still have to get through the pile of laundry.  I guess if you truly do have it all, you just have more laundry to do.

Moms these days have it rough!  We live in a day where we aren’t enough UNLESS…

Unless we have the family and career…

Unless we have 4 children who all become doctors…

Unless we can cook a stew and stir jam for 10 hours…

Unless we have it all, know it all, and do it all, we aren’t enough.  Or at least, that is what we are made to feel.  That, it seems, is what other websites and news reports are here to tell us.  I don’t buy it!  It’s HOGWASH!

The problem is we get constant reminders every day. Betty Sue had a birthday party for her 6 year old with a CAMEL.  Can you believe it?  Jane over there ordered the bouncy house extravaganza for her daughter’s party, and she works full time as a corporate lawyer, can you imagine?  Pfft…I didn’t even blow dry my hair today!  “How do they do it,” you ask yourself.  They aren’t DOING it.  You know what they are doing, playing up their strengths.  They know what they can do and they do those things well.  It doesn’t mean they are better!!  Good for them for knowing what they can do well.  Let’s applaud them.

We all have strengths and weaknesses.  I know I am not a natural born Host.  I’m not.  I would rather walk across hot rocks than host a party.  I do it, yes, but people aren’t going home talking about my hosting capabilities in their gossip circles. “Did you see Noreen’s homemade ice sculpture etched into a swan and freshly baked cupcakes in the form of Elmo?”  Not happening. I am aware of it.  You won’t find me playing that up.  But, I know I can sit with a friend at a table with a cup of tea and listen.  I play that up.  I’m a good problem solver.

I know I don’t always feed my children organic meals even though I would like to.  But, I will sing to them while they are on the swing and they love it.  Fine by me.

I’m aware of what gives me the gold star and what makes me exit stage left. 

We all have hopes and dreams.  We are all here to find our purpose.  So, what does having it all mean?  Does it mean we have to work 9-5, come home to bathe our children, eat a healthy organic meal and then collapse on the bed, stating we are too tired for anything else?  Wink wink.  Or, does it mean having 2.5 children and staying at home to cook well balanced meals and dress our kids in proper attire, taking them to the park and chasing them around?  What does it mean?   It can mean both or neither.  It is different for every single mom out there, every single person, every single WOMAN!

Having it all means knowing who we are.  It means finding balance.  End.of.story.

It DOES NOT have to be only if you can make strawberry jam during naptime.  It DOES NOT mean you have to wear a fitted pink dress and an apron while you host a birthday party extravaganza.  Unless that is what you love to do and what you do best?!  Get it. 

Knowing who you are and what you are here for is empowering.  Knowing your strengths and understanding your weaknesses; contributing to the greater good; raising your children to the BEST of YOUR ability, that is it.  We can’t worry about Betty Sue with the perfectly highlighted streaks in her hair.  We can’t look at Jane with her perfect party planning capabilities.  Maybe they are dead fish in the sack?  Or maybe they have closets cluttered to the tippy top?!  Their weaknesses are hidden under a heavy quilt of self preservation.  It’s fine.  We don’t have to know them.  Who cares! 

We can’t look at any of it.  We need to look at ourselves. 

What do you bring to the table as a mom?  What do you offer as a woman? 

If you offer yourself in all of your wonderful glory, you are offering enough.  You are enough! 

If you know who you are, where you are going, and what makes you tick, whether you have 1 child, 3, or a boat load, then I truly believe (piles of laundry or not) that you are here in real life, living, loving, and in turn… having it all.