Walking in Fear

We live in an unsafe world.  I’m not just saying that because of the recent Sandy Hook shootings that took place, I’ll get to that.  I’m saying that because I’ve always felt it.  I’ve always kind of felt a little unsafe.  I never liked walking alone in my teens and twenties and even now.  I’m not sure I could protect myself. 

I remember when I was 23 years old; I took the NJ transit train home from the city, alone.  It was around 9:30pm or so, right before the late night drinking rush.  I was sitting alone and these 2 guys, probably in their late 20’s, kept creeping closer to my seat.  We were the only ones in that car on the train.  And me, being somewhat bold and ignorant gave a huff and moved to a different car.  (Like, stop bothering me).  Well, they followed me to the next car I was in and then my heart started to beat.  My stop was Point Pleasant beach and my car was parked pretty close to the train, thank goodness.  But, I was scared.  I tested them and they got mad.  They weren’t smiling and flirting anymore, they had mean, unwelcoming faces.  When my stop came up, I didn’t hover by the door.  I bolted out of my seat and out the train doors to an empty parking lot.  I raced to my car.  They bolted out behind me but were not fast enough.   I think they were unprepared for that.   I made it safely to my car before they even got into the parking lot.  I locked my doors, breathed a sigh of relief and drove away.  They stood there, by the tracks like two statues.  I didn’t look back.  I never took the train again at night by myself.  I don’t know what they were expecting to do in a somewhat safe town where people are always walking by the train station, but I wasn’t going to take a chance.  We live in an unsafe world. 

That incident isn’t a big deal.  There was no follow through.   Nothing happened.  But the fear part is relevant.  I was walking in fear.  And now, I feel like I’m walking in fear again but for 2 others…my children.

Now, 10 years later, I’m a mother and I know things are getting worse for our children.  Things are different from when our parents trudged through 10 feet of snow to walk to school and came home for lunch.  And, things are different from even ten years ago, when I took that train ride. 

No longer are we immune to these random acts of violence.  It can happen anywhere and at any time and to anyone.

I know what you are going to say...this has always been the case.  But times are changing and people are changing...and not for the better. 

So, when something like the Sandy Hook shooting happens, it is so easy to want to have a reason and to try and understand WHY?! –so we don’t walk in fear.

 Can we blame it on the Internet?  Is Facebook causing more depression in youth?  Can we blame it on video games that allow children and teens to put themselves right in the middle of a game and shoot?  Can we blame it on the fact that there is no shock value anymore?  We’ve seen it all and are becoming immune to it.  Gun control?  That kid shouldn’t have had an automatic weapon in his hands.  Can we blame it on the breakdown of family?  His mom bought these guns legally and took him to target practice.  Are vaccines causing a rise in autism and mental illness?  I’m just saying.  Or, is it the fact that information is instant and our brains aren’t wired fast enough to keep up?  Is it causing cross wiring in some people with a genetic predisposition to mental illness?  Is our world moving at a faster rate than us and are we feeling the repercussions of it?  What is going on?  Why is it on the rise????   

I worked with children with learning disabilities which included autism, ADD, ADHD, etc, etc.  We had one student who would try to stomp on the mushrooms like he was in the Mario Brothers game walking through real life, in our center.  At times, he couldn’t decipher reality vs. fantasy.  What a problem?!  He is a sweet kid and would never hurt a fly, but can he understand what reality is and what is not?  Could Adam Lanzo? 

I’m the type of person that wants answers.  Because when I see pictures of these 6 and 7 year olds who died or the young beautiful heroic teacher, Vicki Soto who’s beautiful face is plastered all over facebook, I want ANSWERS!  If not, I will want to sit in a hole and never come out of my house.  If not, I will cry uncontrollably thinking of these lost lives…these CHILDREN…again and again!  These beautiful, lovely children.  If not, I will sit here at a loss for words.  Because when their parents dropped them off at school, in a safe place, they had no idea they would never come home.  That sits close to home with me.   

The responses to this horrific crime have been all over the Internet; the arguments about gun control.  Some say it is like a pencil misspelling words, not the person.  Some say we need a new law on gun control pronto.  Some say this and some say that.  But those arguments don’t compel me right now.  I’m not there yet.  Instead, I’m listening to the people who are speaking beautiful words and those words heal us all.  I'm trying to find reasons NOT to walk in fear. 

I’m thinking about what Mr. Rogers said,

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

I’m listening to my friend Terri post about her family

“I'm not going to pretend that I know much about what happened Friday; we didn't watch TV all weekend. I won't argue gun laws vs. mental illness vs. video games; it's not my place. But what I will do is live life in the moment and not put off anything for another day when it comes to my family.”

I’m reacting to my friend Lauren’s post about her children.

“As I hugged my son goodbye in his classroom today I had to hold back tears. To the 20 (and 6 adults) beautiful children that lost their lives in this terrible tragedy I promise to love my children more if possible, to be more understanding of them, to be more patient and to hold them a little tighter and a little longer. You were taken way too soon but I promise, in my household you will not be forgotten. Your faces are forever in my mind and in my heart and my children will have a better mother because of you. Rest in Peace Beautiful Angels”

What beautiful sentiments.  These are words that I hope don't ever get lost to us after a week or a month.  I hope they remain.  So, I'm listening...
 

I’m listening to others when they say to hug your children tighter.  I’m appreciating them more. I love them with all of my might.  I’m squeezing them tight.  I’m laughing more.  I’m doing this all as I silently weep for the lost children and the heroic teachers who saved others.  I’m weeping for the loss of innocence in those who survived.  I’m feeling absolutely lost for the families left behind. 

I’m remembering the names of the lost children and praying and praying.  I’m hoping their families will be able to lean on others and heal one day.

I am a little more fearful, because we don’t have answers and I’m scared for our future in this crazy world…but I have hope.  I certainly do; that we will all be able to heal by leaning on each other.  And I have hope that one day we won’t have to live in fear and our children will all be safe from the monsters.