The Starbucks Syndrome

The other day, I picked my 3 year old from school and instead of going around the corner to Starbucks; I drove 15 minutes out of my way to the only Starbucks drive-thru in the area.  I put Dora on and drove peacefully to get my afternoon coffee.  I would have driven around for 2 hours if I could have.  It was quiet.  When I ordered, I asked for a latte and a muffin.  In other words, “Can I have enough energy to get through bath time, happiness in the form of a cup, and a delightful carbohydrate?  May I please?”

I drove around and passed a little small mirror before the window.  What is up with that?  I caught a glimpse of myself and was AGHAST!  I really looked like I needed this jolt of caffeine.  I mean really.  Why on earth would they put a mirror in a Starbucks drive thru?  The whole point is so you don’t have to catch glimpses of yourself in any window reflection.  Looking in the rearview mirror is enough of a momentary look of me.  I seriously looked like a hobo.  I was actually dressed nicely for once.  I wasn’t in sweats or anything.  It was my eyes.  My eyes looked tired.  It is like I could see the dark lines of wrinkles in a split second glance.  It’s like they were NEON and GLOWING!  Where did they come from?  My hair was a little frizzy too.  Like I said, not pretty in my eyes.

I blame my 15 month old.  I hope I don’t hold this grudge for too long.  Haha!  Just kidding.  But truth be told, she is a bit of a maniac. 

Example: I was so excited to get my girls into their Halloween costumes for their first Halloween event.  My 15 month old whined and cried the minute those wings went on.  She was trying to pull out her pigtails, squirm out of her bumblebee costume, and dropped to her butt numerous times before we even left the door.  She cried the entire way there.  And when we got there, she squirmed, ran away, up the stairs, yadda yadda yaaaaa….

Not fun! -----For me at least!

I’m starting to think that it isn’t the teeth.  Ha!  How many times do we say that they are whiney and cranky because of the teething?!  And I’m starting to come to the terms with the fact that it isn’t because she is a second child either.  The thing is, she was like this at birth.  The minute she was born, she was fiery and screaming.  She is so cute, thank goodness because she screams at me all day long.  Sometimes I laugh it off and sometimes I cry it out.  What can you do?  I’m going to be one of those women who points to every wrinkle on my face and can name where they came from.  “

See that K, that is from when you cut molars.”

“This one is when I didn’t get dinner to you fast enough.”

“And right here is when you threw yourself to the ground for the umpteenth time.”

What can you do?  Ignore it.  Try to teach patience.  Blah, blah.

What will happen as a result?  Wrinkles.  Tired eyes.  Addiction to coffee.  Celebration at bed time.  Whatever!

So…do you still wonder why I drove 15 minutes out of my way?  Probably not.  But here it is… I didn’t want to chase her around Starbucks.  I didn’t want to use any form of strength to get them in and out of the car.  I didn’t feel like waiting in line and feeling her squirm around in my arms to get down and run away.  And, if there was crying, at least it would be in the comfort of my own car. And the end result is a beautiful thing; I could sip my lovely wonderful sunlight in a cup and ignore the rain behind me.

Those "Other" Things

I dropped off my 3 year old at school and put my 1 year old daughter down for a nap.  Time found me…beautiful, wonderful time.  I fell flat on my bed and didn’t feel like moving.  The laundry is in the basket needing to be folded and the bills need to be paid.  Dinner needs to be prepped.  Cookies need to be made for a Halloween party tomorrow.  I haven’t written a blog in a while.  What do I choose?

To be honest, I haven’t written in a little while because I haven’t felt like it.  I haven’t been inspired to pour my heart lately.  I felt really focused on my family getting over their sicknesses and have had some shifts in priorities.  I’ve been folding the laundry instead of writing.  I’ve been emptying the dishwasher instead of writing.  I’ve been writing press releases for my town newcomer group instead of writing.  The beat goes on.  Life moves forward.  With one less thing to do, life ran a little smoother…

It is amazing how often we choose those "other things” over ourselves.  Laundry trumps “me” time.  Sometimes life gets out of whack and so you do what you have to do.  But sometimes, life is not out of whack.  It is normal.  But, we still choose the “other things.”  Don't get me wrong, they don’t make us unhappy.  At all.  I don’t think they make anyone unhappy if they are living a happy life filled with wonderful people.  I definitely like getting things done.   Sometimes it is peaceful to have a more organized life and less to do. When I have to worry about my 2 babies and my husband, sometimes I don't want to add anything else to my long list of things to do and get done.  I don’t want to put up a semi-ok blog as I trip over a pile of laundry.  If I fall on my face, will I smile on the way down?  I guess it depends on the day. Some days, I’ll curse at the fact that now I have no time to do that and I’ll kick the pile into a corner.  Damn laundry!!

I never wanted writing to be a burden.   I never wanted to think, “I have to get this done.”  I wanted to write to release.  I wanted to write because I was inspired.  I want to inspire in some small little way, if I can.  It can only work if it is about nothing else.    

My friend sent me another mama’s blog about balance.  So, as I rested on my bed for a moment of peace, I sat and read the blog she sent…and I cried.  The writer talked about balance and how it is a myth as a mother.  We can’t achieve balance but we can find our center.  She is living her life as a “pendulum rhythm:” she says, “I wildly swing back and forth and I always come home to center.”  I didn’t cry at the actual words or the lesson.  I think we all know that we must find our center as parents and as individuals.  I cried at the connection I felt through the words.  I cried because we aren’t alone and that makes me happy and secure.  We all have rocky lives that get crazy at times and then settle down at other times.  But I cried at it, because I felt inspired again.

Inspiration is a funny thing.  You can see it in your child’s searching eyes.  You can find it in a loving word from your husband or wife.  You can read it in a book or blog or have it handed to you in a picture from your daughter.  Inspiration, if we see it, can surround us at all times and be there at a moment’s notice ready to keep your feet briskly walking and your heart beating strong.  We can see it in the waves crashing, in the sunset, in the leaves falling like rain. It keeps me going.  I found it again and it warmed me up life a cup of coffee.   It made me choose myself again, (for just an hour) …the laundry can wait.     

For me, doing a million half-assed things will never suffice in keeping a whole heart.  I’ve been trying to keep up with the day to day and it has been keeping me calm and happy.  But, at the same time, we must keep our eyes open for the inspiration that surrounds us.  Because then and only then will it allow us to truly open up and be ourselves. It will allow us to forget about the laundry or the bills for a second and take a little time in some way for ourselves. Whatever it is. Don’t choose those “other things” today, choose yourself.  Today, I didn’t get the laundry folded and I’m completely ok with that.  And today, if I trip over it…I’ll smile on the way down. 

Bye for now.  Time to pick up my daughter. 

Basic Necessities

Sometimes one gender, as a whole, is a bit easier than the other.  I think about it even as adults.  Men are easier than women, without a doubt.  Drama is kept at a minimum.  Details are left to be determined.  Friendships stay strong and lifelong.  They shrug their shoulders at the problems and are happy with the 3 basic necessities.  (Sports, food, sex).  Easy battle.  No competition. 

But babies…that is still up in the air.

So I was talking to my friend who has a baby boy similar to the age of my 14 month old, a little younger.  I asked her how it is going.  “He’s great,” she said, “he just sits there and smiles most of the time.”  Really?  It is her third child, but still I don’t know what it is like to have a baby that just sits.  My girls were always on the go.  Neither of my girls liked to just “sit” in the stroller although they did tolerate it at times.  They smiled, but whined a lot too.  It made me start thinking about which gender is easier, a girl or a boy?  I feel like I’ve heard a lot of those stories, “my boy just smiles and cuddles.”  Is it true? Are baby boys just like men?  Are they happy with a few basic necessities?

I know it truly depends on the child, but after speaking to other moms and dads over time, I felt like I decided that the boy was the easier baby.  But maybe I was being biased??  Did I think the baby boy was easier because I have girls?  Is the grass greener on that side of the chromosome? 

But, maybe the truth was staring me in the face with a pink polka dotted bow stuck in the middle of her head?

 I posted this question on Facebook, asking the public what they thought.  It was completely split down the middle, which completely bewildered me.  I felt so convinced that a boy was easier.  But, hearing others speak about it, I’m wondering now…do I have it good?

Are girls easier?

Let’s talk about the 4 most important aspects of baby.  Play, Food, sleep, and listening.

Play

 “The Nitty Gritty” When my 3 year old was a baby, she didn’t really get into things.  I didn’t have to baby proof the house, and she didn’t like to get dirty.  Some of my friends were constantly chasing their baby boys and those boys were constantly getting into the “dirt”; eating it, rolling in it, and throwing it.  My baby girl would be wearing a dress and that dress wouldn’t have a lick of dirt on it when we got home.  My friends would have to hose down those boys.  In terms of the rough and tumble aspect of it, the girls win.  And, most girls seem to play independently.  As Alison said on Facebook, “My son was clingy and needy, while my daughter was more independent. She wanted to make us happy, go to sleep on her own” The girls do in fact go off on their own while the boys stay close to mom.  This is just what I noticed in terms of my small world of playgroup and a little beyond.  Cheryl agrees.  As she said, “All I can compare this to is my brother who has the girls while I had the boys...and all I can say is that his sleep and play quietly and watch musicals on Mommy's lap while mine are bundles full of energy, constantly going and don't require much sleep...I hope it all pays off in their teenage years like everyone says” I know if I branched out, it would probably be more split.  But in terms of play, I think…girls win.  Easier to deal with and easier to let them be.

Food

 “Meal time shmeal time”: I think about my friend Amy and her little boy who eats anything in front of him.  And then I think of a few other friends with boys who have trouble with food.  My 3 year old is really tough at meal time.  But, she is an exception because she is allergic to everything and extremely picky because of it.  Boys seem to shovel more food in and eat more variety.  Then again, I’m thinking of my friend’s kids.  Tell me I’m wrong.  But, in terms of eating and in my humble opinion, boys win.  Eating is always more of an issue with girls and most definitely women. 

To Sleep

“Or not to sleep”: I hear more sob stories about boys than I do girls. Boys seem to wake up at 5 am ready to go. I think the boys are more strong willed and active and so they don’t want to sleep as much; they want to go, go, go!  Sleep is for WIMPS!  Both my girls sleep well and love it.  They point to their bed at bedtime.  It’s time.  They really don’t give me much of a problem.  I think the girls win in this category as well, hands down.  I guess they are dreaming of prince Charming as he burps and slugs his milk bottle right now...

Listening Skills

Do girls take direction better?  Alexis from Facebook says, “Undoubtedly the girl.... wants to please, hates to be reprimanded, independent but takes direction. My son on the other hand cannot be convinced to do something he doesn't want to do, does not fear repercussion, walks to the beat of his own drummer.”  I remember when my 3 year old was 15 months; she went running down the driveway.  I yelled, “Stop.” Just once and she stopped.  She never ever went into the street if I said, “stop.”  She was a fantastic listener.  I think girls do listen better.  I think they listen better as babies, toddlers and adults.  I think women even beat men in this category, (Me excluded—I’m a terrible listener).  I think it is ingrained in the girls at birth.  They listen better, take direction better, and acknowledge you when you talk to them.  All ages.  Girls win.  Sorry Boys.

My daughters are pretty independent.  They sleep well.  They listen, for the most part and take direction.  They do normal tantrums and cries, but I think every household has to deal with that.  Maybe girls are easier…right now….but the teenage years will be reversed, I’m sure.  When they are 15 and 13, I’m sure I’ll be singing a different tune.  The teenage boys will be going to football practice and eating a double cheeseburger for dinner and slapping high fives, while my girls will be dramatically throwing their purses on the bed, crying about Suzie Q from gym class, and picking up one green bean at dinner chomping it while rolling her eyes at how dorky I am.  I know it’s coming.  I guess I’ll enjoy this moment right now. 

Baby girls win!

Small Victories

I won’t bore you to tears with the fact that both my girls are sick.  I won’t go into detail about the fact that they both screamed for 30 minutes straight at the doctor yesterday while my 1 year old got her first nebulizer treatment.  They have a combination of sore throats, fevers, wheezing, and an ear infection….oh my.  But, I won’t describe item by item and minute by minute because the fact of the matter is, you’ve been there.  If you have kids, you have to deal with the sicknesses when school starts or the weather gets cooler by the day.  I’m sure a nebulizer has graced your home at some point and you’ve heard the words, “it’s an ear infection,” at least once or twice in your life.  We all have been there.  So, even though I want to vent to someone or something about how hard it is with sick babies, I won’t.  You’re saved. 

BUT, I will thank a few things and people while I stand in the thick of it, trudging through the thick brush of weeds and grass trying to find a clearing to run to or at least a bed to lie in.  For now, I will settle for small victories. 

Candy corn.  Tis the season…if I’m going to hear screaming for an hour straight this morning, I’m going to eat my candy corn with a smile on my face and forget the fact that it is 3 points an ounce on my weight watchers scale.  “How many pieces do you think is an ounce,” I asked my friend…”Probably 3 pieces,” she responded.  GASP!  So, I’ve had about 4,345 points today!  I DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!  They are sick and I NEED it, right?

My Pediatrician.  As both of the girls screamed and carried on, my Pediatrician who is usually stoic and matter of fact, gave me an eyebrow raise of comfort.  It was slight but noticeable.  It made me feel like she felt bad on a personal level.  I put it in my purse for safekeeping.  I’ll whip it out as I give my 1 year old her next treatment.  The thought will keep me cozy during the LOUD SCREAMS and squirms as she throws her head back away from the mask!  “Anything but the mask,” she thinks.  I know it. 

Support.  If you don’t have “mom” friends, get some.  I’m serious.  Put an ad out or something.  There is not another network that I know about that is more encouraging and supportive.  “Let me know if you need anything,” I heard over and over and over again.  “Can I drop something off?”  “Do you want to Skype?”  I mean, really.  This isn’t a small victory, this is a huge win!  Supportive friends help you fight the battles and win the war on nebulizer treatments.  If you ask, they will be at your doorstep with infant Tylenol in one hand and a piece of chocolate truffle in the other.

COFFEE!  I think it was my 3^rd or 4^th blog that I talked about “breathable moments” Moments for me.  If I can’t take a shower, I can sip coffee slowly and peacefully.  Hazelnut coffee with hazelnut creamer and a piece of Carmel apple Pepperidge farm bread, warm with butter.  Wait, is this bad?  Do I go to food and drink for comfort?  Maybe this is why I can’t lose those pesky 8 pounds. 

 http://growingladies.blogspot.com/2012/03/breathable-moments.html

Naptime/Quiet time.  I won’t say that it is a good thing but it isn’t a bad thing.  When they are sick, they are tired.  Why do you think I can write?  My 1 year old is sawing wood nicely right now and my 3 year old is spread out over her little chair watching Mickey Mouse with a blanket wrapped around her and a bun in her hair.  I have a slight smile on my face.  This moment will get me through the rest of the day.  “Ahh,” I’ll say to myself, “remember when I was sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and typing away?”  I’ll say that to myself when my babies are at my feet rolling around on the kitchen floor, crying as I make lunch. 

Small victories.  These things will help me get through the next days as we are holed up in our house, too sick to see our friends or go to school.  Hopefully we will emerge into the daylight by Friday.  I’m counting on it.  But, right now, I will rely on Mickey, Dora, Bubble guppies, and I’ll even bring back good old Barney for distraction; anything to get through it.  FYI: If anyone wants to drop off candy corn, I will not say no.  It seems as if my bowl is empty.  J 

Here's to you

It boggles my mind that, at this age there are still people out there that don’t actually want to be nice and friendly to others.  The “why bother” mentality is ugly in my mind.  Sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around it or there must be cross wiring or something.  Short circuits.  Why on earth is it so hard for some people to be nice to others?  And, why is it so hard to avoid drama?  I don’t get it. 

Last weekend I was talking to a few other girlfriends and we were discussing good women.  Something sparked the conversation.  A person walked by without acknowledging us; a person who clearly knows us.  It was really strange.  It felt like high school.  We looked at each other and said, “I don’t get it.” …the continuation of an unfriendly nature.  It boggles my mind.  You can’t just give a half smile?  No?  Not possible??!  Oh wait, I want to remind you of something…This isn’t high school!!!  We are all adults now.  There aren’t popular kids anymore.  The ones who snub and “unlike” are the ones who look bad.  I realize that there are probably cases where someone felt snubbed by me.  Perhaps?  I'm not saying we have to go out to dinner with Sally Sue down the street, but we can at least say hi to her and smile.  There is a definitely a distinction with being best friends, friends, acquaintences, and civil. 

I’m looking up at my dresser in my bedroom right now.  A quote sits on it, in plain sight. 

Here’s to good women

May we know them

May we be them

May we raise them

I look at it every day and it is supposed to give me a reminder.  I bought it in a hallmark store waaaay before I had children, girls mind you.  I absolutely, positively believe in its message.  What else can I ask for as a woman and for my ‘growing ladies?’  I’ve talked about “Mom” friends, about “old” friends, and about “new” friends.  I talked about being sad at letting some go, but rejoicing in the new ones who came at just the right time.  The ones, who remain present in my life at this moment, are the ones I think about when I read…

 

“May we know them…” 

Good women to me, look you in the eye.  They listen to your thoughts and accept them.  They care.  They respond.  They react.  They welcome.  They smile.  They want make an effort, are kind to others and themselves.  They understand.  They do not create drama in their friend’s lives. If they do, they aren’t real or friends. Good woman, they are hard to come by, but I know a few ;)  We are those women too, as long as we listen and accept.  As long as we smile at the ones we know well, as well as the familiar ones we see around our town, on the train, or at the park.  If we can be gracious at the new faces that hold the door for us and nod our heads to the ones that grab coffee at the same place and same time.  To be a good woman, is to be a good model for our children.  The heart of it all lies in this…

May we raise them”

Last weekend, when we were talking about these women who don’t act friendly, we also discussed what these women will not do well…raise good children.  Children learn from example.  When I tell my daughter that we are collecting clothes for the less fortunate, I want it to burn in her brain.  When I’m smiling at others and being friendly, I want my daughter to see that and mimic THAT!  I want to be a good woman, so I can raise good women.  I’m not going to walk down the street with my nose up in the air.  I’m going to look around at the people around me, right in the eye.  And when my daughter wants to comfort the little girl in her class who cries for her mommy, I’m going to smile and know that she learned that by example.  And when my daughter gets snubbed at the park by another child, I’m going to wipe away her tears and tell her the truth.  Some people just aren’t nice people.  But, we don’t want to be friends with people like that anyway.

Monsters

I remember when I was little and I would have a nightmare.  I would try to wake myself up from a deep sleep to muster up the ability to scream one loud word, “MOM!!!”  I would hear her stocking feet running down the hallway to make me feel better.  “It’s ok,” she would say, “It was just a nightmare.”  I immediately felt better, safe and secure.

It is amazing to me the ability that we, as parents have to make it all better; how our babies just want us, and only need us.  Last night I ran out to my exercise class around 7:45 pm without saying good night to my 3 year old.  I really didn’t think it was that big a deal.  Daddy was putting her to bed, like they do every night.  But, it was.  Around 10:45, she started crying that she “had a nightmare.”  I went into her room to lay in bed with her.  Usually, I am counting down the minutes until I can get back in my own bed so that I can get some well deserved sleep.  But, for some reason, I looked at her innocent face and felt bad that I was thinking of leaving and getting into my own bed.  I thought about my mom; she never made me feel like she was counting down the moments until she could leave.  Maybe she was…I’ll have to ask.  But, when I handed her her Aurora doll and watched her wrap the doll under the blanket with her, with a panicked look on her face, scared…I decided to stay a little longer and not think about where I wanted to go.  I had nowhere to go.  And it didn’t take long.  It took 20 minutes instead of 10; laying next to her instead of sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing her back.  It doesn’t take much. 

Sometimes I rush through life.  Sometimes I’m always working toward the next thing.  Let’s do bath time so we can get to bed time.  Let me snuggle for 5 minutes so I can get back to my bed.  Let’s have lunch now so I can drop you off at school and then run errands so that I can…yadda yadda yadda….blah blah blah…..

It never ends.  At least, I don’t let it.

The problem with last night was that I was rushing to pick up my friend and get to class on time.  I should have taken the 2 minutes it took to give my daughter a kiss before bed so that she felt safe and secure.  Maybe she thought she did something wrong?  Why didn’t mommy kiss me goodnight?  I cannot forget that she needs me…always.  And, I cannot forget that the little things always matter with children.

I know I need to work on this.  I’m in a rush to get where?  I see other moms rushing to do what?  Sometimes I need to stay a while with nowhere to go.  Sometimes I have to put in my time to scare away the monsters.  After all, it is only my presence that can do that.  It is just me, wrapping the blanket around my daughter, and laying next to her that can do that.  I have the power to make it all better just by being me, Mom.  Imagine that?  Isn’t that amazing?  If you really think about it, it feels so much bigger than me.  It is an idea.  The idea of being the only thing needed for someone else.  She doesn’t need an IPhone or a doll.  She just needs me.  We cannot forget the power we possess with our children.  And I know I have to remember to use it right. 

This morning, I came into her room and said, “Good morning.”  She gave me a big hug and I asked her why she cried last night.  “I had a nightmare,” she said.  “You did, about what,” I responded.  “No mommy, you didn’t say goodnight to me last night,” she said.  I thought to myself, I knew it.  If I would have just taken the time.  If only I didn’t rush.  “I’ll never do that again,” I said with a tear in my eye.  And I won’t.