Nine Eleven

My husband and I struggled with fertility, which was heartbreaking at the time.  But, it was nothing; at least we had each other.  I thought about the fact that I almost lost him and that would keep me up at night, not my fertility issues.  I wanted a baby so bad but if it would only have been he and I, it would have been enough.  Tragedies do that to a person.  It gives a person perspective.

I remember that day so clearly; seeing the tower on fire; the one that Chris worked in.  I remember going up to my little TV and counting the floors with my finger to try and see what floor it hit.  Was it the 60^th floor where he worked? 

I remember waiting for the phone to ring.  I remember thinking that if I never got to talk to him again, I would never be the same.  I thought about the wedding day we wouldn’t have and the kids we would never be able to hug.  I thought about it all and waited, and waited for that phone to ring.

I remember wanting to hide under my bed when the second plane crashed and feeling the hope in my heart crash with it.  I remember it all so clearly.  I was scared.  He was in the building when the plane hit.  He was on the 22^nd floor.  He felt the building move from front to back.  He thought his life was over but he stayed calm.  He kept walking…slowly down the stairwell….

I remember the busy signal.  I remember the phone ringing off the hook with the wrong people on the other end.  Not Chris.

He would make it out and spot his father in a sea of faces at just the right moment.  He would keep walking with his dad and never look back.  He would reach safety and make the call…. 

The phone rang hours later with his voice.   I received a collect call from “Heff” (his nickname) and then it disconnected.  My disconnected heart, felt hope again.   Relief.  Later that day, I was able to speak to him and he told me that he would never be the same.  I didn’t care who he was, as long as he was here.  How many people were never the same after that day?  Hundreds of thousands…millions……  Me included….

Right now, my 3 year old is sitting next to me and she makes an expression like Chris.  It literally brings me to tears.   My 1 year old daughter looks just like him.  I always told him he would have made a beautiful girl J  every day, it makes me so happy.  Today, it makes me cry.  Everything does.  I’m sensitive to the fact that I almost lost him.  I think about it often, but especially today. 

Chris, to me, is a light.  Everywhere he goes, he brings light.  He is special and I’m thankful for his second chance.  We were able to create a life together and start a family.  Our 2 girls blessed our life.  It was almost taken from me.  It was taken from so many.  It isn’t fair.  I mourn the lives lost with all of my heart, especially Peter O’Neill Jr; his buddy. 

I pray and pray for everyone.

I remember it all. 

I will never forget.