The 'Off' Button

I’m tired today.  I have a headache.  Can I push the “off” button?  Wouldn’t that be convenient?  An ‘off’ button.  Someone needs to invent that for me.  Push a button and suddenly, four walls come around you and nobody can bother you.  I don’t want to be greedy or anything, but an hour seems sufficient. 

That’s the thing, when do we ever get to turn it off?  For me, it’s never.  And today, I want that out.  Yesterday I was a beast.  Truly.  I felt like such a bad mom.  Short tempered and growling; just ugly.  My 3 year old was being fresh.  My baby was clawing at my neck and scratching me profusely.  Everyone was hanging on me and one point and I yelled, “Everybody off.  Now!”  Looking back, I felt like that was kind of short and sharp but I really needed my personal space back at that very moment. I just needed everybody to not hang on me for one millisecond.  The truth is, at 1:00 pm I had 5 hours to get through and about 2 hours of reserved patience.  What happens then?  Where do we go to survive?  The closet?  Nope, too small.  Under the covers?  My little girl will find me there.  I guess I’m at a standstill. 

The past few days, people started sending me such sweet quotes about motherhood and I soooo wanted to write something beautiful and memorable but I really don’t feel like it.  Today, I feel like venting.  Is that ok?  Everything isn’t going to be butterflies and roses all the time.  Sometimes, I’m going to talk about the smelly poop.

Did anyone warn us about the 3’s?  I feel like I always heard about the terrible two’s but we sailed through those.  Now, I’m getting major TUDE!  I’m hearing “no” about everything I say.  She is not listening like she used to and I have to repeat myself a million times.  It is exhausting at moments.  Other times however, I can handle it like it is a walk in the park.  I guess it all depends on how I’m feeling at the time, my mood.  For the most part, I try and be positive but I’m allowed to be ‘off’ sometimes, right?  Can I be?  Please tell me yes.  Please tell me I’m allowed to have bad days.        

On an ‘off’ day, motherhood can be soo physical and soo emotional.   Right?   

It is physical in the sense that my back hurts from carrying, lugging and schlepping.  But, it is emotional in that I’m tired from repeating, struggling, and managing. 

It is physical in the sense that I have a headache, scratches all over my neck, and a stubbed toe from leaping to catch my 10 month old before she toppled off the fireplace.  But, it is emotional in that I feel guilty for yelling and wanting an out and tired from never getting a break.

It is physical and emotional. 

But, it is beautiful and wonderful.  It is exhausting and tiring and everything in between. 

I’m going to dust myself off now, take a Tylenol, and power through the rest of the day.  I need to take a step back and reassess.  Maybe then I’ll see the positive.  Maybe she will be waving her arms in the air and telling me that she was right here all along.  And, I’ll say, “Oh, I didn’t see you there.”  She’ll smile that big bright smile and say, “welcome back.” And then I’ll sock her.

 In the end, I guess motherhood is all about that; trying to stay positive, finding the joy in the days and trying HARD to push through those rough moments.  Repeating that mantra.  Personally, I need to tell myself that it is quite alright to have an off day too.  It does not define me. 

No, that doesn’t define me at all.  What defines me is how I handle those ‘off’ moments.  That I recognize them and change them.  And more importantly, that I forgive myself for having them and move on.

Mama Drama

My friend forwarded me a quote yesterday, “The days are long but the years are short.”  I thought about how I wanted to incorporate that quote into a blog.  First, I thought about being a stay at home mom.  That’s perfect, I thought.  Long days, toddler conversations, messy hair and then you are standing at your daughter’s 3^rd birthday wondering where these 3 years have gone?  And then I thought about working moms too.  They too have long days, commutes, juggling working with motherhood, and then you are sitting at your son’s 3^rd birthday wondering where the years have gone?  And then I thought about everyone. 

I was sitting at dinner last week with some mom friends.  My one friend is a lawyer and commutes into the city every day and then comes home and rallies through bath and bedtime.  My other friend, who is a working mom, started talking about how she has to deal with a termite problem.  I thought we all have things to do, days to get through, and moments that fly by.  We all wonder if we missed important moments.  We all have to deal with termites or ants or fixing that broken toilet.  We all have to take the trash out every day and empty the dishwasher.  We all have to get through bath time and bed time as well.  We have all seen a poop in the tub, a tantrum on the floor, and have had to deal with spit up on our clothes.  We all have ‘life’ to get through.  And, we all do it the best that we can.  But sometimes, “the days are long.”  And often always, “the years are short.”  So let’s spend this time being there for each other and smiling at our kids.  Let’s not spend any moment giving each other any type of grief or drama.  It is not worth it. 

This is a ‘No mama drama’ free zone.  I wonder if they make a t-shirt?  I’ll wear it proudly. 

I don’t have time for mama drama.  No mom does.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to spend a minute on useless drama.

The funniest thing about it all is that when your kids are born, an entire new life is born.  Mom friends emerge from everywhere.  It is so easy to make friends with other moms because you instantly have a connection.  Something to talk about.  But, this connection does not mean that there is a real friendship.  Because, you can’t be friends with everyone.  And, that’s ok.  Real friends are here for each other to share and connect.  Real friends do not cause grief, in any way.

I recently felt a little mama drama.  It reminded me of a time of being young and petty.  But, I didn’t participate.  You know why, because “the days are long and the years are short.”  I’ve seen drama in high school and I’ve seen it in college.  I’ve participated in it before.  (*Sigh*)  Sorry!  But, who hasn’t?  But now, I don’t have time for it.  And if I come into it, I will walk the other way.  In the end, we all have too much on our plates to have to deal with anything else extra.  I want to share and connect.  I want to smile with other moms and laugh.  I want to respect other moms and get the same in return.  I want to hug their children and have them hug mine.  That’s it.  That’s all. 

Save the drama for your mama. 

Buy the t-shirt.

“The days are long, but the years are short.”  Thank you to my friend who sent me that quote.  Thank you for thinking of me and looking out as a fellow mother.  Thank you for having perspective.  Because, that is the kind of text or email I want; something positive, uplifting, something that will make me smile and realize that real mom friends are here for each other, always.  We are here to make it easier.  We are here to cherish the long days and hold tight to the short years, together.  And any other drama…gets put out with the trash.    

**Send me a quote or a topic on growing ladies and I’ll see if I can incorporate it into my next blog***

SPLAT!

1 Thing you will never see me do at the pool or beach this summer

1.       Run after my kids without a cover up on.

Nope! Not going to happen.

We have a pool in our town, which is beautiful.  What I like the most about it is the fact that nobody is walking around in skimpy bathing suits or acting inappropriately.  We live in a nice town with a nice pool and surrounded by nice people and families.  We wear our cover ups so that we aren’t running around with our mom parts jiggling as we chase our children.  Not a pretty sight, at least on my end.  Ha!  I would like to chase my children without trying to cover my as* as I run.  The pool isn’t deep enough even to get my cover-up wet.  It does get a little wet at times, but no big deal.  Better than the alternative.  I want to cross my legs at the edge of the pool, under the umbrella, with my feet dangling in the water, and my cover up wrapped securely and tightly around me.  Too much to ask?  I would LOVE it if I didn’t have to chase my kids around the pool, but I’m just thankful that I can do it without a messy situation.

Because, I don’t care who you are, if you have had a child…things aren’t the same.  Maybe you have bounced back quickly after having a baby and if so, good for you.  But, you can’t tell me that everything went back where it was before.  It just isn’t possible.  We’ve been stretched and pulled in every direction.  And now, we have the summer to show it off.  Blah!

I’m not talking about ‘baby fat,’ I’m talking about baby splat. 

That’s how I feel.  SPLAT!

I was wearing my sunglasses at the pool last weekend.  The problem is, in my head, everyone can see what I see; the darker version of reality.  But, then I take off my glasses and BAM, I see it all.  You know…marks, stretches, etc, etc... Can they see it too?  YUP!  Oh great.

Look, I’m half joking because thank goodness I don’t take myself too seriously.  It is what it is.  But at the same time, I am a woman and feel that, you know…a tad bit of insecurity?!  It’s there, shaking its head and jiggling its overstuffed belly, telling me to pull up a chair and have a Dove Bar.  No!  I.MUST.BE.STRONG!  It’s bathing suit season! 

It’s ok.  I know I’m not Mila Kunis.  I also know I’m not Jennifer Aniston.  But, they never had kids, right?  And they have all the time in the world to work on their physiques.  I don’t.  I have limited time.  I had 5 pregnancies, 2 kids, and stretch marks and lines that remind me that I have lived fully and not only for myself.  So, it’s ok.  I should be proud of it all.  So maybe I’ll take off my cover up at the pool at some point this summer.  But for now, I’ll lie on the couch, watch TV, eat an ice cream and dream about how I looked at 24 years old.

3...2...1

My little girl is approaching the big 3! 

My baby is approaching the big 1!

My 2 kids are getting so big.  Time is slipping through my fingertips.  Can we hold it right here?  Pretty please??! 

I know I talk about how hard it is sometimes, with my “sock balls,” my lack of “painted nails,” chasing my daughter with pancakes, the hurricane, being on “autopilot”, etc but I do that to vent and to give mommies a voice and so that we do not feel alone.  I want to bring a sense of humor to motherhood, but I always want to bring a sense of relief.  I’m finding expression for us mommies.  And I will express myself in all the ways, good or bad; sad or happy; tired or not......in the moment….or after much deep thought. 

So, as I sit here and think about this last year gone by, tears stream down my face.  Because, I don’t think about the sock balls, I think about my daughter putting on her own shoes for the first time.  I don’t think about my unpainted nails, I think about the little new baby hands holding mine.  I don’t think about the hurricane of getting us out the door, I think about the moments when we are sitting on the blanket and playing.  I don’t think about chasing my daughter with a pancake, I think about us making pancakes together.  I don’t think about the mediocre moments, I think about the exceptional ones.  These are the moments we look back on.  These are the moments that keep us going.  These are the moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

My daughter is turning 3.  She walks around and blabs away.  She is exerting her independence.  She is loving what she loves…jewelry, sparkles, hugging her sister, sliding, swinging, watching Curious George, but most of all; pretending, picturing, imagining and loving.  She is herself and I am proud.

My baby is approaching 1.  She shakes her head “no” when I tell her no.  She giggles at peek-a-boo and laughs with her whole belly.  She crawls so fast and stands up on her own with her hands above her head, “soooo big.”  She loves her sister more than anything and climbs all over her.  She shovels food in her mouth and stares at mine.  She has a big personality and I am proud.

My ‘growing ladies’ are growing so fast.  I know I can’t slow it down, but I want to.  I don’t want to approach the time when I don’t give my baby a bottle before bed.  I don’t want to change a thing.  But, I know they grow, as do I.  And I know, they will continue to grow up so fast.  So, I want to take a moment to appreciate this moment in time; to bask in these little ladies as they approach their big birthdays.  To reflect on all of the good moments from the year; starting from the birth of my second child, to the birthday of my first.  Close my eyes and savor it.  It is fleeting.   

My heart, my tears, my love….

My 3 year old, my 1 year old, my 2 kids; my everything…

Nothing but the best

When I think about my dad, I think about dignity and strength.  He is a brilliant man with a brilliant heart.  He trusts to a fault.  He loves without fault.  He makes his family proud. 

When I think about what kind of dad I grew up with, I think about self-sacrifice.  He sacrificed his time to help sick people get better.  He did it because he loved to help.  He did it because he loved his family.  He provided, without question but still had time to spend with us.  In life, he deserves nothing but accolades, hugs, and countless thanks...    He deserves nothing but the best!

When I think about my husband as a dad, I think about warmth and play.  I see him pretending with our toddler and tickling our baby.  I see him reading books, teaching, explaining and spending time.  He possesses more kindness and love in his little finger than some people have in their whole hearts.  He shines so bright and with all the colors of the rainbow.  He is nothing but the best!

When I think about my father in law, I think about quiet sensitivity, loud laughter, and the core of family.  I see how he raised 3 wonderful men and I am indebted to him for that.  If my husband is anything like him, my girls are in good hands.

When I think about dads in general, I think about nobility.  I think about men who will do anything to make sure their family is provided for, without complaint.  I think about long commutes, long hours, long days and big wide smiles for their children.

When I think about every single dad in the world, I feel a sense of humility.   Their unassuming nature; their vigor; their depth; their strength.  It humbles me.

When I think about how significant it is to be a dad and how much they are relied on, I think about faith.  I think about how we can never doubt their dependability or their trustworthiness.  They will always be there for our children. 

When I think about it all; especially the impact they have on their children and family, I feel a sense of relief.  We are not alone.

Fatherhood begins with an open heart, is intricately engraved with principles and wisdom and supported with strong, capable arms.

I am grateful to my husband for being such an incredible father and man.  I am grateful that he chose me to maneuver through this incredible journey together.  I am grateful to my father, who doesn’t even know how much I look up to him.  I am grateful to my father in law, for treating me like his own.  I am grateful to every father out there, who spends time with his children to teach and love.

Fathers…they are nothing but the best!

Happy Father’s Day!

Out of the darkness

One of my best friends got extremely heartbreaking news about her mother in law.  Within weeks they found out that she has a brain tumor followed by news that she has an aggressive form of cancer.  I don’t want to speak to what is going on in their family, but I will say this, it is very shocking and devastating.  My heart breaks for them in a gazillion little pieces.  She has 3 kids and they know nothing about it.  My friend has to put forth a brave face, sing them songs, feed them dinner, smile, nuzzle, and try and forget about the chaos around her as she gets through the day to day mothering tasks.  The kids know nothing but don’t feel a difference all the same.  Looks can be deceiving.

But, “out of the darkness comes light.”

Because, when we stand in front of our children, (no matter what is going on), we put our best foot forward.  We do it for them.  We try, that is, to really truly smile for that picture, even if things aren’t perfect, even if things are going wrong…even, as in the case of my friend, are going through the hardest tribulations of life.      

Hopefully our children see the brave faces.  Hopefully they can stay inside that innocence.  Let’s keep them there for as long as we can. 

But even if we can’t put on that brave face…they do it for us.  They make us laugh.  Say funny things.  Chubby rolls and arms make us forget about our worries.  If they are 10 years old and understand, they can offer a hug, or if they are 3 years old and don’t, they can offer an antic.  If they are a little 1 year old, they can look at you with those sweet eyes and heal you.  And heal you they will, my friend. 

When my first daughter was born, my parents were going through a rough time.  But, my daughter, with her unwavering love, came bouncing into their lives and filled them with happy hearts.  She was and continues to be their light.  And out of the darkness, they emerged.  True, happy smiles were painted on their faces and true beautiful love suppressed any distress.  She was a gift.  She came at the right time.  She healed.

Children: they bring love to our hearts, they see the goodness in our soul, they light up a dark room and fill it with flowers.  They bring in the sunshine.  They wrap their little arms around us and in turn, wrap our hearts in warmth.  They twirl, they laugh, they pretend.  They are happiness.

More than anything, I want to take away the pain from my friend and her family.  I want to help heal.  But, I know she has her children.  They will help her and her husband more than anything or anyone else.  They will hug their children tight, rub their heads, and tell them everything will be ok.  They will feel that for themselves too. 
  

Maybe we have bad days.  Maybe we have bad months.  Maybe we have bad years.  But maybe just maybe, if we are lucky, we have children, to make it all right. 

My daughters, myself

My baby woke up at 10AM from her 2-hour nap and I stuffed her in the car by 10:20 for an hour and twenty-minute drive.  I prepared myself for the worst.  But, I pumped up the music, opened the windows, and the drive was smooth.  The girls were great.  The baby was fine because she literally had her head turned for the entire ride, watching her sister.  If she started to whine or complain, my toddler would say, “It’s ok, shh shh, it’s ok.”  And the baby would stop.  My toddler, the little mommy?!

Yesterday, my toddler picked up her fake baby doll and bathed her in her little baby nursery set.  She scrubbed her hair and then wrapped her in a blanket.  Then, she went over to the couch, got cozy and gave her the fake bottle.  After she was done, she burped her and then put her in the stroller.  She wrapped her in the blanket and strolled her back to the baby nursery set, “Her Home” as she called it.  She then put her in the bassinet part with a pillow and a blanket, went over to the light and shut if off and then whispered to me, “we have to be quiet, the baby is sleeping.”

I watched the entire scene unfold with a slightly parted mouth.  I didn’t say a word, I just watched.  I can’t say I don’t know where she got this from because she has been watching me with her baby sister for 10 months now.  I tend to wrap everyone up in blankets, even myself.  And now, so does she.  I’ll go into my room and find some doll sleeping in my bed under a blanket.  Sometimes in the evening before my husband takes her up to bed, she will tuck me in and then close the door and say, “get some rest mommy.”  I mean…this girl.  How much of this is innate?  How much of this is learned? 

I realize that babies and toddlers have the basic elements of behavior.  They are ingrained from genetic make up.  But, it is observational experience that modifies the daily behavior.  In layman’s terms, you are what you watch.  That is why advertising works, right?  So, in the end…holy mother of God, I really have to be good because I want my daughters to be good. 

Yesterday I put my toddler in quiet time.  She really doesn’t nap much anymore, but I still will have her go into her room for an hour.  But yesterday, she whined and fake cried for about 30 minutes of it.  I finally gave in and went up to her room.  “What’s wrong,” I said.  “I want to come down,” she said.  I said, “You know, whining the whole time really defeats the purpose of quiet time.  Frankly, it was annoying.”  She just said she wanted to come down and so, that was the end of it.  An hour later, I took her to music class and another boy kept taking her shoe, “Mom,” she said, “that boy is being sooo annoying.”  Oh jeez.  The teacher said, “did she just say he was being annoying.”  “Yes,” I said, “I don’t know where she got that.”  Snicker, snicker. 

Nurturing has an impact on our children more than we can ever imagine?!  It is so scary.  My toddler is basically a miniature me right now, a mini-me.  I have to be careful.  Everything I do and say is being watched and learned; I realize I mold and shape my daughters. 

My daughter is a little mommy.  She takes good care of her dolls.  She protects and hugs her sister.  She loves with every single piece of her heart.  Some of that is innate and most of it is learned.  My heart bursts with pride.  I’m doing ok.    

Wilted Flowers

I’m staring out my window looking at my flowers wilt and die in the flower box as I think about what I’m trying to say.  Interesting.  I’ve watered them, but they just aren’t doing well right now.  Maybe I don’t love them enough?  Ha.  Is that possible?    

The truth is I don’t have a green thumb. Two years ago, my friend gave me a house plant and basically told me that you really have to try hard to let this plant die, ever…..….my plant died within 3 months. I showed her. 

I guess there is a point to my flower story, because how many times have flowers been compared to relationships and friendships?  Millions! It’s true.  You really have to nurture relationships.  You have to care for them and love them and really treat them well in order for them to thrive and succeed, just like flowers.  But what happens when you have small children and it’s hard to get places to see old friends, to make phone calls that last hours, to take the time to keep them strong, to listen with both ears (no distractions), to be a true friend? 

I don’t have time to miracle grow.  I don’t have time to really nurture every single relationship I have or had in the past.  I want to say that it is ok, but it is not.  Not for me at least.
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Friendships can’t survive based off of quick 2 hour catch ups while we sip our beer or wine and watch our kids out of the corner of our eyes.  Can they?  We don’t get the nitty gritty stuff from moments like that.  They are broken conversations; less than half of what we can give and get.  We can’t dig deep.  I want to know everything about all of my friends (everything they want to tell me, at least), but how can we really keep these friendships alive and thriving if we don’t live close?  Or, can’t find the time or moments if we do live close?  I need to change that…I want to be that true friend that I was before I had children, before I was grabbing my 10 month old quickly (before she climbs on top of something) and giving the “one minute” finger. 

My daughter was looking through pictures this morning.  She pointed to a picture and said, “Who’s that again, what’s her name?”  And this girl remembers EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!  It was one of my best friends.  She couldn’t even recall her name.  The thing is, we are still extremely close but I realized that we spend a lot of time together, without the kids.  That’s ok…but then I thought about the other part of it.  My daughter couldn’t recall her name…and that makes me sad.   I want my daughter to know my “home team” inside and out.  I want her to feel comfortable with them and it just isn’t happening right now.  Things aren’t clicking like that.  But I want to make them click!  So, we have a big job to do.  We have to take the time to nurture our old relationships; spend the time with the people we love as families and as individuals.  And, we have to spend time getting to know new people in our town and surrounding areas.  We need to expand in every direction…both here and there….inside and out.

My husband and I are fairly new to the town we live in.  We didn’t even know a soul until we had children, and it is taking time trying to build a life here.  We are trying to build relationships and find people we really click with.  We want to build a life where we are because we want to create a home base for our children.  I’m happy to know that we have friends in other towns and states.  If life was perfect, we would all be in the same place.  But, it’s not.  So we have to make the most of our friends who live far away, really make the effort and get to know the people here.  We have to find that balance.    

We have to realize that it is ok if we don’t click with every single person.  But, as long as we are surrounding ourselves with good people, having moments of fun and laughter, connecting; telling stories; getting to know one another, we are lucky.  We are lucky to have our old friends and lucky to be finding new ones; lucky to be in this life, building relationships for ourselves and our children.  We will forever be continuing to strengthen, build, and add to our “home team”

I know my flowers are wilted right now.  But, I’m going to water them every day.

I’m going to try and salvage them. 

I’m hoping they will be as beautiful as they were at the beginning.

I’m hoping time and care and mostly love will perk them up and make them flourish again…