Love Wins

Part of the reason why I like to write is because I like to feel connected.  In a world with social media, that isn’t too hard anymore.  But still, I like to be able to try and bring moms together with common ground.  I have hit some road blocks along the way.  “She’s blogging now?!”  Although I’ve had support, I’ve also felt alienated from it.  “Don’t say that in front of Noreen or she might blog about it.” 

I’ve also had someone say the meanest things to me, “I feel sorry for your girls,” she said, “when they grow up and see what you have said.”  This comment devastated me, until I realized that it came from someone without children, who doesn’t know, and who likes to make others feel bad so that they feel good.  As my dad says, “never give someone else power over you with their opinions.  People only have power over you if you let them.”  I’ve been able to squash this feeling numerous times since. People will try to bring you down in life.  This is what I tell my daughter.  They will bring you down with their opinions on what you do and who you are.  At 6 years old, it is what you draw.  At 15, it is what you wear.  And at 35, it is how you parent.  But, you can’t let them hold power over you.  If you are confident in what you do and who you are, then you don’t have to listen to the useless opinions and statements flying at you.  Be confident enough to ignore it.  That is what I tell my girls.  Ignore the negative.  What matters is how you feel about yourself.

This is what I tell myself. 

One thing I try not to do, is alienate moms.  I try.  Who knows if I succeed?!  I never want to alienate moms.  I want to unite us.  The truth of the matter is, no mom is better than another.  That is the absolute truth.  No child is better than another.  Truth.  They might read faster or run faster, but it doesn’t mean they are better.  (I mean, unless they are slapping or scratching out eyes.  Well then, that is a different situation.)

And other moms may have different lives; some may work and some may stay at home.  Some may see their kids all day, every day, like me, and need some time to come up for air.  And others may carry guilt for not being home.  The truth is this, we choose our lot in life.  Don’t we?  We decide.  We choose. All the decisions in our life lead us to where we are.  One thing we as moms should do about it is own it.  Forgive ourselves for our choices.  I don’t wake up with a power suit and take the train with my coffee.  I forgive myself for not having a career.  Sometimes, I wish I did.  But, I chose my lot in life, to stay at home with my children no matter what I had to give up.  I chose it.  I own it.  People who chose to work, should own it too.  Of course there are people who have no choice and I understand and appreciate that as well.  I guess we have to do our best with our lot in life.  And, we should all try and be confident in ourselves and the decisions we make.  That way, we can be the best people for our children. 

What prompted this is based on an article that a friend shared on Facebook on how working parents create better, smarter children, in essence.  I read the article and then I looked at my 3 year old and asked her what she wanted to be when she is a grown up.  “A Barbie,” she responded.  Hmmm.  Ummm.  Maybe there is something to this?!  I thought about it a lot and tried not to be offended, but I did let this article hold power over me.  Not the person.  The article.  I texted my friend and told her that articles like that create Mommy wars.  And articles like that, divide us. I don’t like that feeling of division.  I like to always find common ground in parents.  Because if you think about it, we are all the same.  She was so gracious about it.  She didn’t want to offend anyone.  And the truth is, she shouldn’t have even offended me.  Because it means nothing.  The article, the “study,” means nothing.  Same with the 50 articles that counter that claim.  They mean nothing.  They may validate how we feel at moments when we question our choices, but they don’t make it true for everyone.  The only thing that makes it true is what we do with our choices and how we raise our own children.  The only thing that creates our truth, is ourselves. 

I would never have an opinion about anyone else’s choices in life, and not just in parenting; I will never have an opinion on who someone chooses to marry or what someone wants to wear. 

I believe the word is tolerance. 

We should all have tolerance for each other.  We should all accept each other.  We should all respect each other’s choices and decisions.  That is what life is all about.  We are one.

Especially Moms! 

People will try to bring you down.  But, only you can let someone else hold power over you. 

Make your choices.  Own them.  Accept others for their choices.

After all, in the end, it is love that wins. #lovewins

The best of me

It’s funny how good things always happen when you least expect it.  It usually happens when you are dreading something.  Like if you really are too tired to go out and meet a friend and then it turns out to be the best night with the best conversation and you come home feeling refreshed.  You think to yourself, why on earth did I dread that?  Or maybe it happens when you plan something last minute.  I had a spur of the moment birthday party for my daughter last year and with a week’s notice, it turned out to be one of those incredibly fun parties for the kids and the adults.  We still talk about it today.  Maybe it happens when you don’t put too much emphasis on anything.  Or maybe it is the luck of the draw?!  Or maybe just maybe, it is when something comes out of you that is authentic and true; maybe it is when others see the best of you…

My heart has changed.  My 3^rd baby did it to me.  She wasn’t what I expected.  I expected chaos.  I expected to feel overwhelmed.  But, I’m not.  I haven’t been.  I won’t be.  She did that to me.  She came to us to make us remember how to slow down.  She came to us cooing and smiling and so ready and willing to jump into this family, full force.  She made me remember what it is like to stop rushing.  She taught me how to feel content in the everyday, nursing and snuggling and holding.  SLOWING DOWN!  Life can get so crazy.  We are always trying to do this and that, signing up our kids in this sport or that event.  We are falling behind on paperwork.  But, when she cries, I pick her up, not because I have time to do it, but because that trumps all the paperwork piled on my table.  My other two kids are a little older (almost 6 and 4) so they are more independent also.  No diapers.  They sit at the table and eat and get dressed on their own.  They play together for hours.  They run in the sprinklers and the baby and I watch, silently…happily.  They come downstairs with nightgowns on and slippers and I feel like I can cry tears of gratitude.

I wasn’t expecting this.  I wasn’t dreading it, but I just didn’t know.  How could I? 

I didn’t know how lucky she is, to get the best of me.  And I didn’t know how lucky I was, to become what she needs so easily.  Maybe it is the support I have?!  I have a wonderful babysitter who does almost all of the crazy school pick-ups and drop offs. (life saver).   And of course I have a saint of a mom who runs toward the war zone with arms outstretched and immediately makes my house new again and makes me feel whole again.  She finds joy in helping me dig myself out of the piles of laundry and crusty floors.  She sleeps over for a few days at a time and wakes up with coffee in her hand and an empty hamper.  But more than that, she gives me mental support.  Just by being here, she brings us all peace.  She is what I hope to be for my 3 daughters, everything they need and more.

Whatever the formula, whatever the reason, I’m just happy with what has transpired.  This baby has come and brought me calm.  I absolutely have felt crazy and chaotic numerous times, flipping a pancake with a baby hanging in the bjorn and/or chasing a naked 3 year old down the hall with a screaming baby on the floor, BUT, it is my heart that remains steady and calm. 

After multiple people have told me, “The 3^rd baby will break you!”  I’m happy to say that the opposite has happened.  She has put me back together. 

Sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them.  Sometimes, something or someone will come into your life at the right time to make you realize who you are.  I have never tried to hide myself.  But I can honestly say that she has made me a better mother. 

Thank goodness for her.  She has come with kissable cheeks and sweet love and given me the best gift, the best of me. 

Lived in

The house next door to me was a 2 bedroom rental that went through families like the plague.  A builder tore it down and in its place, a million dollar house was built that a professional couple bought. (no kids).  Now picture my house.  It is on the small side, pretty cluttered and full of kids and a pregnant woman.  I mean, the ideal, right?!  I try to keep it clean but my daughter has the croup.  So, when an illness arrives, cleanliness is thrown to the wolves for a feeding.  And they feed on loose crumbs on the floor from dinner and scattered eggs that remain from breakfast.   CHOMP!  Let’s just say we all could have been well-fed during the blizzard (that wasn’t) based on the remnants of our floor.

We weren’t sporting our best form, to say the least.  There were dishes in the sink piled high; toys and games on our kitchen table, the whole nine yards.  I mean, I wasn’t expecting company.  That was quite obvious. 

My new neighbor stopped by at 8 pm on Sunday night, first introductions.  Now picture me.  I have a sick kid and I’m 8 months pregnant on a Sunday night.  It is bath time. 

Mortified.

It felt like our former selves walked in the door for a nice neighborly chat.  The "us" of 2008 was chatting with the "us" of 2015. They were dressed nicely on a Sunday night.  I had to throw on a maternity sweatshirt that was folded nicely behind my bedroom curtain (where all my maternity clothes reside).  What?  You can’t see it.  She had nicely blow-dried hair and he had a clean shaven face.  I had a bun in my hair and my husband hadn’t shaved over the weekend.  They had clean buttoned up dress coats and as they were talking a naked 3 year old ran by singing, “here comes my butt,” and my five year old is coughing loudly from the our TV room.  The poor guy almost tripped over our snow boots and rain boots which are lined messily in our dining room under our dining room chair.  (Where I pretend you can’t see them). 

This is how we know how different it is to be parents.  This is where you can clearly see the line between having kids and not having kids.  It would be nice if I could say this, “BUT we were happy.”  But we weren’t.  We had a very sick kid that we were trying to help breathe with steam showers and steroids and a 3 year old that needed to be entertained.  I’m starting to walk like a duck and it is JANUARY!!!  This wasn’t our defining moment. 

I said to my new neighbors, “please excuse the look of our house, it isn’t normally THIS bad.”

And she said this, “Are you kidding, this is what we hope for.  A house full of kids that is lived in.  We are full of boxes in our big house that we want to grow into.”

And there it was. 

Not only did she get me off the hook, but she made me realize how proud I was to be hugely pregnant with a naked kid running around the house. 

Maybe they left the house and shook their heads as they walked home saying to each other, “NEVER!”  Or maybe they walked back home to their big echoed house thinking, “We wish.”  Whatever they thought, I guess doesn’t matter.  What matters is that we might be cluttered, we might be messy, we might not have the big house with tons of space, but we do have is so much more.  We have a house that is lived in.  And if our 2008 selves saw our 2015 family in that exact instant, I know we would look at each other, smile and say, “We’ll take it.”

 

CLUELESS

I went to my exercise class the other day wearing my new maternity winter white down jacket. I use all of those adjectives because I mean, it’s pretty big. My mom got it for me for Christmas and when I tried it on, I didn’t feel, you know, beautiful. I felt large. “It is just to keep you warm,” my mom said. “I know,” I said. I knew I was just going to have to deal with it. I’m not one to really like this saying, but here it is, “it is what it is.”

I repeat that saying as I thump along the streets. THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!

So anyway, I was walking down the steps to my exercise class wearing that jacket and another student (about 60 years old or so) smiles at me and says, “When are you due?” But the “due” part kind of dragged on like this; “when are you duuueeeee.” I knew she thought I was going to say, “Any day now,” but I didn’t. I said a surprising, “early March.” Early March isn’t even the case but I had to shave off a few weeks based on her wide eyes. “OH!” She said. And then the pre-emptive defensive me said this, “I know, my belly is large.” What she was SUPPOSED to say was this, “No, it’s not, you look great.” After all, most women in their 60’s have probably had children and have been where I’m at. So they know. Throw me a bone. But she didn’t say that. She said, “This CAN’T be your first.” “No,” I responded, “It’s my third.” “That’s what I thought,” she continued on with no regard for my state of mind or hormones. “I gained the most with my 3rd too. At this point, who cares right? As long as the baby is healthy………………”

Why does she think I gained the most with this one? I haven’t. In fact, I’m in pretty good shape despite my big belly. She is saying this knowing I’m about to do 30 pushups at 32 weeks pregnant???

But anyway…

I walked away as she was saying all that nonsense to stuff my large winter white down coat in my cubby so her words trailed off. And then I mentally shut out her voice and pressed my lips together so not to cry. At that point, I thought to myself, “people can be so….” What’s the word even? I don’t know. Annoying. Cruel. Spiteful. No, those aren’t the right words. People can be so “clueless.” That’s it. People can be so incredibly clueless.

When I got home, I walked in the door and my kids said to me, “you look like a snow monster.”

Ok.

Thank goodness my self-confidence comes from within and is not based on what is on the outside especially as I flaunt my coat all over town. Otherwise, I’m sure I would be somewhere with spa blue walls and people telling me over and over again that I need to take my meds as I drool nonsense about snow monsters and white down coats. “No,” they would say, “you don’t look like a snow monster Noreen. Now open wide.”

Being pregnant is not the easiest time for women. EVERYONE has an opinion. EVERYONE believes they have the right to say ANYTHING to you. And most people have NO REGARD for a pregnant woman’s hormones, feelings, or state of mind. They simply become CLUELESS when a pregnant woman approaches even if they have had children too; even if they gained 70 pounds with that child. Still, it is like it has never happened.

“You still have 7 weeks to go? How can your belly get any bigger?”

“March huh. You still have a LONG way to go.”

“Another girl. (Insert spiteful laugh) Your house is going to be full of hormones.”

GAH!

I thank God for the people who have said nice things to me. They have saved me.

When I left class that day, one of the owners of the bar studio said to me, “Noreen, you are inspiring so many students by coming to class. You look great and are doing amazing.”

She has no idea how much she saved me that day!

I guess that can be my lesson in life. There will be people who will say mean things. There will be people who will make you feel bad. There will be people who hurt you, talk bad about you behind your back or to your face.

BUT!

There are more people out there who will say kind things to you. There will be people who encourage you and lift you up. Stay close to them. After all, they are the angels in your life.

But don’t let any of them hold too much clout over you either. The person, who should hold the most belief in you, is yourself. Let that voice stay strong.

I did cry that day after I got home because I’m pregnant. But then I lifted myself up and told myself that no matter what anyone says or how big my belly is or the fact that my thighs are expanding and my face looks full; I said to myself, “I am beautiful.”

Make sure you tell yourself that today no matter what size you are or where you are at. Whether you are pregnant or not at your ideal weight or have stretch marks from carrying your children or arms that shake when you wave; tell yourself the same thing over and over again. Tell your children the same thing over and over again.

You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. The outside can always be worked on. The inside is what counts!

Color My World

In our life there is a single color, as on an artist's palette, which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love.

Marc Chagall

 

I remember when I just had my second baby, I was taking my older daughter (who was then 2) to mommy and me classes.  I was kind of tired and a little out of it, and I remember a few moms telling me to go for the third.  I remember feeling a little out of sorts, eye balls popping out of my head type of feeling.  Like, isn’t this enough for now?  But, they were like, “You’re young.  You should go for it.”  Mind you, I had a 10 week old at home.  I asked another mom who had 3, if it was hard.  She said, and I’ll never forget this, “Having kids is the easy part; it’s everything else that you have to do that’s hard.” 

Now, three and a half years later, I never forgot that.  I see it and feel it, especially now.  We all have laundry to do, sidewalks to shovel, dishes to clean, errands to run, jobs to get to, and yes we would like to fit in a little “fun.”  I write that in quotes because I feel like it needs to be in quotes.  “Fun,” is a quotable expression when you have kids.  Oh, you mean that “fun” that everyone speaks of.  Let’s try and accomplish that at some point. 

I thought of this wonderful woman, Maryellen who probably doesn’t even remember saying that to me.  But, it resonated deep and powerful within my heart.  “It’s everything else that is hard.”  It is everything else that we have to do that makes child-rearing hard.  Agreed.

Last week, I picked up the girls from school and decided that we didn’t need to go anywhere or do anything else.  When we got home, I said to them, “I feel like coloring.”  And I really did.  I felt like lying on the floor with them and coloring.  So we did.  We got out all of our crayons and markers and colored big pictures with bright colors and dazzling hearts and stars.  My 3 year old who rarely sits, sat the entire time while we colored a picture together and became confident and proud in the process.  “LOOK AT MY DRAWING MOM,” she said.  We got home at 3:45 and when I looked at the clock again, it was 4:45.  After we colored, we got tape and hung the pictures up in their room.  It made them so happy.  And to be honest, it was my favorite hour of the entire week because it didn’t involve rushing, folding, washing, or schlepping.  I decided to forget about the “hard” stuff and focus on something that would make these beautiful girls happy.  They were happy and wonderful and so much fun to be with.

Do I think this world has gone a little nutty?  Absolutely.  Do I think there is an emphasis on the wrong thing these days with the introduction of social media and IPhones?  Yes.   When I see 10 year olds scrolling through phones, I get nervous for the growth of my own little children.  Are we going to be able to teach them the right lessons?  I think so.  I’m comfortable with the fact that they are innocent right now and I don’t want that to change for as long as I can help it. It will always be within our power.

So, on that cold January day, coloring saved my thoughts and made me forget about everything else that needed to be done.  Sometimes, something like that can save our children as well; it is something so basic and innocent and…easy.  But it is something that will resonate with them.

Yet still, with all of the scary things ahead and this crazy world we live in, we have the ability to color their world in a such an innocent and positive way.

And maybe in the process, we can color our own.

 

Quiet Change

Happy New Year!

It’s all about healthy changes. Don’t hold on to resentment. Let it go. Don’t feel guilty for needing time. Be healthy and happy. Think outside yourself. Think about how you can help others. Don’t expect to be able to do it all and be happy. Do what you can and let the rest fall off your shoulders. Be the best version of yourself in 2015. I’ll be with you, especially with a new baby coming; I am going to try to live by this mantra. After all, having a baby doesn’t mean sacrificing myself. I’m growing a family. I want it to be a happy family. So, Mama needs to make sure that Mama is taken care of too!!!!!!! I’ll be sneaking out here and there, in pockets of time, whenever I can.

Are you going to think more about yourself in the New Year? I’m not talking about loud change. I speak about quiet change. I am not into changing yourself while publicly announcing it. I’m talking about quietly going about it. Moms, it’s about thinking about you, taking care of yourself, and then seeing the changes emerge. You know I’m not into the “selfie.” I mean yes, every once in a while. But, let’s not make it our life’s worth/work. To me, the “selfie” represents self obsession. I got my make-up done for free one day over break and my mom wanted to see it so I had to take a “selfie” of myself and couldn’t even look directly at the camera. I had to avert my eyes. How do people do this without a kid or at least a dog in the picture? I still don’t get it. Maybe it is because I don’t really love the way they turn out. Or maybe because I like pictures for reasons?!

Try instead to think about how we can change the world by changing ourselves inwardly. Internal changes do not need to be announced. Outward changes will be seen, regardless. What are you going to change this year? Who can you extend a hand to?

When my 3 year old whines all day, you can literally see the red blood boiling through my body and moving up it like a cartoon character, until smoke comes out of my ears, full force. This, I need to change. But, I take time for myself. I’ve always been able to. This I don’t need to change. It’s easy for me because I see my kids all the time. I don’t have that mom guilt. None. Zero. I find it easy to pick up my keys and wave goodbye out the door, the dust not even settled before I’m pulling out of the driveway. If I happen to catch a slow motion tantrum in the drive-by, all the more reason to speed on by. I’ll even take my pregnant belly out for a spin, body sore and feeling fatigued, just to get some time. Let go of the mom guilt in 2015. Self-love is in! Making changes is in! Doing what you can is in! Getting fit is in! Healthy is in! Make it the best year yet.

And if you need a jump start, join me on January 15th from 6:30-8:30 at the Bar Method in Ridgewood, NJ. If you are a local reader, I would love to see you there. Take a free class, learn about good nutrition and non-toxic skin care, pick up a piece of jewelry or a homemade handbag to make you feel good about yourself and where you are going. I would love to see you/meet you/help you jump start the New Year and the new you!!!!!!!

After all, we are and will always be in this together!

Que Sera Sera (12/9/14)

“Let Go and Let God”

I’m not a super religious person but lately this quote has been stuck in my head.  I feel like the transition from pre-school to kindergarten is taking more of a toll on me than my daughter.  I don’t know how any mom can do it…just let your kid go to school and fend for themselves.  It’s funny if you think about it, not ‘ha ha’ funny, but funny in that you are seriously letting go of all of the control you had when they were babies and toddlers.  I mean, a barrel of laughs.

I’m cutting myself some serious slack because I’m pregnant and hormonal, but the idea that my daughter can be left out, is seriously one to throw me in a tailspin.  I can see in the distant light how other moms can go a little batty if their kid is picked on or left out of things.  I mean, I can see it.  I wouldn’t be the one to do it, (she says now) but I can see how it could potentially happen.  Privately though, I can have a field day about it. 

I’m lucky because my daughter doesn’t seem to care (right now) but I can foresee issues happening in the future.  This is when I feel like I need to take a deep breath and let go.  I can only steer the controls from home, as I tuck my daughter into bed.  I can reiterate lessons and try my best, but I guess this is the time when we, as parents, have to just let the chips fall where they may fall.  Yuck!  We can hope they fall in perfect harmony but let’s be honest, they mostly fall into a bowl of chex mix; messy, without rhyme or reason, and unable to make sense of it. 

And we can’t do a damn thing about it.

The thing is, she is happy.  She talks about school in a positive way.  She is slowly making friends and feeling her way through the new atmosphere.  It is all good.  But, this is a transition and she is transitioning in some positive ways and some not so positive ways.  I guess we all are. 

All we can ever do is our best.  That is what I tell her.  That is what I tell myself.  Is that what you tell your children?  And to the Moms of older kids, how do you deal with seeing your children be left out of things?  Does it break your heart when they are old enough to realize how devastating it can be?

How did we survive childhood?

The answer is that we did.  We experienced it all.  We experienced the ups and downs of our childhood and teen years.  We knew what it was like to be disappointed.  We knew what it was like to be left out.  We managed to deal with it all.  At the end of the day, the things that you get left out of at 5 years old or even 12, pale in comparison to what you experience as an adult.  Everything gets exponentially harder the older you get.  So, I guess we have to cherish these little problems and know that they are not that big.  Look, our children will grow to be better and stronger if they are left out or disappointed.  They will build their character that way.  They will able to deal.with.life.  What is it that they say; you cannot enjoy the sweet without the sour. 

As parents, it is our job to ease their pain and help them see perspective.  Let them have an ear or a punching bag.  It is our job to focus on the positive, build up their strengths, and let it go.  What a concept??!!  I think maybe we can even do that in our own life.  I know I can.  I know I’m trying to do that now, as I prepare to have another baby.  Let go and let God.

In the end, the biggest thing our children need is our support.  They got it.  The rest will happen as it will.  “Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be.  The Future’s not ours to see.

Que Sera, Sera…”