Truth-telling

The hardest thing about being a stay at home mom/dad or a part-time working mom/dad from home is the idea of “the break.” When is that break coming? When can I put my feet up, hold a cocktail and read my book without someone sitting on top of my face? When will that moment arrive? Is it safe to say it is few and far between?

When we become moms, we kind of throw out the idea of having hobbies, don’t we? I mean, we still have hobbies, but we really don’t have time to execute those hobbies. Do you read, do you like to cook, do you crochet? What do you do? Rather, what do you wish you could do?

I don’t have family close by. I can’t just drop off my kids anywhere. I need scheduled time off. I need to put it on the calendar for weeks for it to be something that I can do, by myself. It is just the way it is and it is ok. It is what we signed up for…right? But, sometimes….I need more than an hour here or there, a quick run to get my eyebrows waxed or quick dance class. It’s good. But, sometimes I need more. Is that safe to say? I feel like if we don’t get a little more, we can become a little bitter. I’m not saying we are bitter toward our children. I’m not at least. They are so cute and squeezable and they aren’t here to destroy my inner soul. They are amazing little girls and they will never be a burden to me or my heart. But teaching them and caring for them takes a lot out of us. I am constantly thinking, “wow, is it meal time again? Do I have feed them again?” i.e. fight with them so they can eat their broccoli. In the mornings as I lay in bed, I think to myself, “Is it already time to get up and get them dressed?” i.e. fight with them to put down the Elsa costume dress to wear to school. I look at the clock and huff a little bit because I’m human, pregnant and tired. “Yes, it is time to do it all again.” Yes, we have to do it again. We have to break up the fights and cook the meals, drop off and pick up. Put on your mask, it is time to be MOM.

And there are some lovely moments in our days. I love watching them when they play so nice. I love seeing the smiles on their faces when they are doing something they love. I love getting little kisses and hugs throughout the day. YES! All great. Such a blessing. But then, there are some not so lovely moments too. Truth? They are fighting a lot lately and whining immensely. It is just the way it is…

It is called parenting.

I say all this and talk about breaks because I don’t know if someone who isn’t in my exact shoes, i.e. a stay at home, (part-time working) mom, understands. It is hard to see the truth when you just don’t know. I am not complaining. I am truth-telling. If you haven’t been in it or through it, you just don’t know that when we don’t see a “break” on the horizon, it is easy to give in to those feelings that don’t look good on you. I don’t wear them well with the crinkled eyebrows and hands on hips, HUFF! This is not to say that you are a bitter person. I’m not. But, I can tell the truth that sometimes I feel a little exhausted. Because sometimes I need a break, and maybe a little fun. After 5 months of vomiting, I think it would be nice to have a little time to decompress. We all do.

I am telling my truth. I understand that working moms have their own truths as well, as do working dads. I’m sure they feel like they don’t spend enough time with the kids and feel enormous amounts of guilt when they do something for themselves. We all have our own set of everyday plights. You know why, because we all deserve our own balances. And I’m not talking about maintenance, ie. an eyebrow wax. I’m talking about balance. We all need it. Husbands, wives, caregivers, stay at homes, working moms, and everyone in between. We all need our own “breaks.” It is something to look forward to. It is deserved. We deserve it.

Go on with your day and don’t forget to tell your truth. Sometimes we just need to talk about it aloud. Sometimes we just need someone to understand and lend an ear and/or a hand. We all need to keep the parent role separate from ourselves. We all need a little love, some understanding and a little break to remind us of who we are and why we are here. I hope a “break” is on the horizon for you. If it isn’t, get it on the calendar. I’ll join you!

The Glass Ceiling

How much of how our children behave is nature and how much is nurture? I am not a geneticist. I am basing this strictly off of being a parent to a 5 year old and a 3 year old, who are extremely different. Is the plot of their story already written in utero? Is my 5 year old destined to love music and art and my 3 year destined to be a gymnast? Maybe?! There is something ingrained in our children, things that we cannot change nor should we want to. True? My 5 year old came home from school and said that her favorite special activity is music. This completely makes sense to me. Based on what she has loved to do since birth, listen to music, dance around the living room, and sing songs. It is in her genes. I don’t want to change those things about her. They make her who she is and that is a beautiful thing.

 

But what about how they behave? How much of an influence do we have on them and how much can be taught? For example, my 5 year old is a little bit shy. She doesn’t love big groups or big parties. She gets a bit over stimulated. For a long time, she took a while to warm up to people, even family. But, we worked on it, every single day. We talked to her about being friendly and making friends. We gave examples on how to make friends and be warm to others. We showed her how to be friendly by example. We consistently reminded her to say hi to her friends, open up, talk, and laugh. She may be shy by nature, but it was the nurture that is helping her shine. Today, she isn’t scared to go up to people and say hi. She is making new friends in Kindergarten and although she still likes to play by herself, she is letting people in little by little. I believe she has broken through her own glass ceiling.

We can’t let who we are be an excuse for what we can be. I don’t think we need to make excuses for ourselves. “Well, I’m shy so I can’t…..” With hard work and growth, shy can become open.

Our habits become us. And sometimes when we are in bad habits, it starts to take over our personality. The same can be said about good habits. They become us. For my daughter, a habit of hanging out alone has been replaced by making an effort to play with others. And although she is who she is, I believe she is becoming a better version of herself. There is something to be said about the lessons that our children learn at home, about feedback and reinforcement. There is something to be said about consistency.

 

Can it be the same with discipline?

 

Studies suggest that many temperamental and behavioral tendencies are ultimately 30 to 50 percent genetic. So the answer is yes. We can help shape behavior. We can’t say my daughter throws tantrums and there is nothing I can do about it. I believe healthy discipline can change it. My daughter started to throw a tantrum yesterday after dance class because she wanted to go to the playground. I completely understood her frustration. I know she wanted to go, but I gave her reasons why we couldn’t. She continued to start to cry and raise her voice. You know, at 5, I’m thinking, “no, this is not appropriate.” It just isn’t. When we got in the car, I said to her, “I understand why you are upset and you are allowed to be upset. But, the way you acted after dance is not appropriate… so when we get home there will be consequences for those actions.” She wasn’t allowed to watch TV for the rest of the night. We came home, did homework, ate dinner, and then went to bed. She was a doll for the rest of the night. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do or not. But, I do believe that they should learn that there are always consequences when you act inappropriately in school, at home, or even after dance class, whenever. She isn’t big to throw tantrums, but I do think that they can show their frustrations in other ways at this age. Maybe I’m wrong? I don’t know. I just try to do what feels right. And the truth is, I have no clue. I’m ok with that, because she is a really good little girl.

 

Genes may represent a range of possibility. It defines how we look and what we love to do deep in our hearts. But, they do not define everything about us. We still have a lot of say in our children’s lives. Nature as genes gives us a template, a lined one and we write the words on it. Our job as parents is to color our children’s lives, to make them see farther than we could, to make them strive harder than we did, to make them fulfill their own dreams and desires all the while by being in touch with their own humanity. Is there a glass ceiling? Only if we choose to have it. We have the ability to help them become anything they want to become, by teaching them to break through their own glass ceilings, the barriers that hinder them from rising higher. And they will go high. They will rise up and reach for the stars.

Our nature doesn’t define us. Our ability to be our best selves, does.

Balance

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
~Robert Breault

I watched my daughter run all the way to school this morning. I’m like, “where does she get the energy?” They just go all day long, from morning to their head hits that pillow. I can barely keep up. I’m a stay-at-home mom so I don’t really get to close my eyes and breathe. I find moments, for sure, but it is the time when it is all about the kids. Or, it is a lot about the kids. But it is about me too. It has to be. The “self” will thrive when the “self” is nourished.

Last night I was so tired around 6:30 that I threw myself on the bed and hoped that they would watch at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted television. Please no asking for water or milk or snacks. Please pretend I don’t exist. I love that lady that put the bag over her head and her kids knew not to bother her. I need a bag. I’d bag anything to get a minute. Is this the “self” I speak about?!

Nah! Don’t bag your “self!”

I know these are the little things that the quote is talking about, watching my girls run to school, getting to see all the little, everyday things. I know I’ll look back and laugh at my face down self wishing for a moment of peace and then I’ll say a little wish to myself, wanting to throw myself back there. Perhaps. I say perhaps because maybe I will just try to enjoy every minute of every day and not look back. Maybe I will try not to look forward either. Maybe I will just try to look at the moments of now. This is all that we have. And maybe I’ll make it all about the kids. And maybe I’ll also find time to make it about me. Balance!

I’m actually pretty aware of the little things that are big things. I’m aware that when my 3 year old shakes her bootie and gets low to the ground, that this is big. (Even though my mom thinks it’s kind of inappropriate). Ha! I know when my 5 year old goes to gymnastics and looks up to where I’m sitting to give me a thumbs-up, it is so big. I know she has overcome an obstacle. Huge! I know when I pick her up from school and she starts with, “Guess what!”—I know it is big because I know that phrase means happiness. I know it is good. I’m trying to realize all of this so I don’t have to look back with any sort of regret. Let’s forget about regret and mom-guilt and all the nonsense. Let’s just try our best to find the best sort of balance we can by understanding that our everyday lives are everything. And in those everyday lives, our “self” can emerge freely.

Now that I am out of the morning sickness fog, I am seeing clearer. I’m trying to enjoy it. I don’t want to say, “after I give birth I’ll enjoy it more because I can have a glass of wine,” or “when I’m in better shape,” or “when I can stay up later,” etc, etc, etc. I don’t want to have to wait until….

So I won’t.

I’m enjoying the now. I’m holding hands with my little girls. I’m hugging. I’m enjoying my life. I’m getting the best sort of exercise that I can while pregnant. I am doing the Bar Method, bending and stretching and breathing. I am focusing on the moments when I can be by myself and breathe, while trying to keep myself in shape. I love it. I think it is keeping me centered too. Anything that allows you to stay in the moment is something that I will always gravitate toward. Positivity. If you can find that sort of peace in your everyday life, then I think you are finding a way to live your best everyday life.

Be there for your children, but be there for yourself too. Find something in your life that gives you positivity and allows you to breathe.

And although it is easy to get bogged down with the grind. It is easy to forget why we do what we do. It is easy to succumb to the 5:00 pm witching hour with the tears and the tantrums. It is easy to think that it’s too hard, not enough or too much. Try and remember to make the best of what you have got. Do the best for yourself and your body and your children of course.

Remember that it isn’t just about them though. It is about you too.

Extraordinary Kindness

“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives…

Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life…

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.” –Author Unknown

Sometimes, the ordinary is the extraordinary. Human life.

I think about my grandpa, who is 94 years old and will whistle in his hospital bed. He is having a hard time as of late, but you would never know during the moments that he feels well. He is happy. He has always been happy and positive; a true light of life. I have never met anyone since who has loved life as much as him. I think about how he told me years ago, not to worry about where you are/live as long as you are surrounded by people who lift you up. “We didn’t have a lot,” he said, “but we had a lot of fun.” Those words made me move from Connecticut and back to where our friends and family lived. We stayed there for a little while and then created a life of our own here. And we have met wonderful people along the way, true friends. I think about the fact that I have the most fun, when I’m with kind and loving people, when someone makes me laugh and/or understands me. To me, that’s the life. I want my kids to feel that. I don’t want them to find pleasure in things but in people’s hearts and humor. Sometimes when my daughter gets home from school, the first thing I ask her is who she met/played with/connected with. I try to hold off on lectures and lessons about trivial things. Yesterday my daughter said that someone made her laugh when they said “poopie underwear.” I think that is kind of funny. I let her laugh even though it’s gross and saved the potty lecture for another time. Who cares. I want her to feel true connections with people. The learning will come. The reading will come. The math will come. The lessons are always there. It will all be here. I am not the Mom that boasts about early reading or writing or over-achieving. I know that will come with time. I think my children are extraordinary no matter what. That’s my job and my right. But, the social aspect of life is something to be taught, kindness about all. If you aren’t kind to others, what do you have? Nothing. We have all made mistakes before. I know I have. But, what we can do as humans is forgive and allow ourselves to be forgiven. Move on. That is extraordinary.

My grandpa loved people and stories and connections. That is where he shined, in his kindness.

Maybe my children will shine in some things, but maybe they won’t. Maybe they will just be ordinary throughout life. To me, there is nothing wrong with that. If they can make the ordinary feel extraordinary, then I think I’ve done my job. Maybe they won’t be the best athletes. Perhaps they will write and read at grade level and nothing above. But that is ok, as long as they are happy, kind and feel genuine connections. As long as they come alive when they are doing what they love. That is extraordinary and then out of that, will be success. There is something to be said about living the simple life, teaching the simple lessons, learning invaluable lessons.

When everything gets overblown and we feel like we aren’t doing enough for our children, remember that enough is what you are doing every day. If you are teaching your children that our ordinary every day is actually extraordinary. They will never need anything more. They will shine in their own right.

After all, we are leading an ordinary life. We are doing ordinary things. But, I hope that kindness leads us to extraordinary places.

Ready or Not

I saw a quote the other day that resonated with me. It said,

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now.”

-Author Unknown.

I feel like that’s true. You are really never ready to do anything. Sometimes, you just do it. Like when my daughter went to kindergarten for her first day. The teacher had all of the parents take a picture outside the classroom and then she walked them right in. I know that my daughter wasn’t necessarily ready to go in, but she did. She didn’t think about it. She just did it.

Are we ever really ready for anything? Probably not, but I guess we cannot sit around and wait until we are. Otherwise, it will never happen. We will never go for that new job. We won’t ever step in that new school. We won’t ever try for that new baby. We won’t take risks. And then, there wouldn’t be any rewards. And those rewards sometimes are so sweet.

My reward was sweet; when I found out I was pregnant with my third baby.

With such a mix of emotions, I know that I’m not ready yet. But, I know I have time to get ready. I don’t think I was ready to hear those words, “you are pregnant.” With a history of miscarriages and problems, I almost felt like I couldn’t take the risk. But I also know that if I waited too long, I would be waiting forever. I never wanted to live with regrets.

I know I wasn’t ready for the morning sickness which lasted all day and night. I wasn’t ready for the weeks and weeks of crawling through my day, dry heaving as I got my kids up and then falling asleep before I could get them to bed. I wasn’t ready for each appointment and the bloodwork and the ultrasounds. I wasn’t ready for the scared faces of my children as I lay on the bathroom floor unable to get up. “Why are you so sick mommy?”

Oh Gosh. Ummm, bad food?

I wasn’t ready to have to pass on dinners out with my friends and birthday parties. I felt bad that my husband would have to take the girls as I lay face first on my bed (a permanent look for me during my pregnancies)—willing myself not to vomit. I wasn’t ready for crying as I woke up running to the bathroom, thinking, “I just can’t do this another minute.” I wasn’t ready for the talk of mini-vans and bunk beds. I’m still not ready for those conversations. I don’t feel ready for maternity clothes, which I know is coming any day now. I don’t feel ready at all.

But, what I know is that I will take it day by day, moment by moment, dry-heave by dry-heave. I will drink my water, stay away from those cold-cuts, and try and embrace it all. I know I am blessed that right now, all is going well. And with God and hopefully some prayers on my side, I hope it will continue to stay that way. You can’t blame me for being cautious.

But, the clouds seem to be clearing now.

Ready or not, I will hopefully be blessed with a new baby in March.

Thank you for coming along with me on this ride through motherhood. I’m sure there will be a slew of new material for me to write about. I was running out anyway ;)

Please say a private prayer for me and this baby. And please know, that if you don’t feel ready for something, jump in…take the plunge. Maybe just maybe, you will end up with gold.

Untouched

I’m sitting here in my peace sign pajama pants watching everyone else live their life.  That is how I feel sometimes.  Or at least, this is the mindset of the people who are scrolling through Facebook and Instagram.  Everyone is living their life and I’m here with a bun in my hair and pajama pants that belong on a 14 year old girl from the Midwest.  CHEESE! 

I think I’ve been watching too many episodes of “Keeping up with the Karadashians.”  Or maybe I’m on social media too much.  Tweeting, streaming, blogging, posting…it is all too much….and then not enough.  What did we do before it?

Let’s scale it down.  Can we?

I find myself looking at pictures on Facebook and Instagram and I think to myself, would they do that if they weren’t going to post it?  Would they stand at the edge of a mountain with arms outstretched for themselves; to feel the wind on their face in an innocent moment of peace?  Or do they do it for the world to see them do it after they post it on social media?  Look at me, “I’m so peaceful,” as they stress for those 100+ likes.

At what point does this all become inauthentic?  At what point does what some see as authenticity become bogus?  At what point does this all become imitation?  I’m standing on a mountain tomorrow.  Just wait.  And then she will stand on a mountain.  Let’s all stand on a mountain with our arms out like in the Titanic.  Let’s all be free.  Click.  Cheese.  Post.

“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching” –John Wooden

When did it all change?

This is why I love watching children play.  There is nothing inauthentic about it.  They live their life for themselves.  They do what makes them feel good in the moment and they don’t give a flying hoot about who is watching.  They can find happiness in the kitchen with a doll.  They can have the best day ever with that doll.  My daughter said that the other day.  We cut out princesses with construction paper and then she played with them.  At the end of the day, I always ask her what her favorite part of the day was.  She responded, “When we cut out princesses.  This was the best day ever.”  I was actually taken aback.  Jeez.  This is all we have to do?  I mean, I can do this every day.  No problem-o.

So innocent.  So easy. 

They can have this amazing day in the solitude of their own home without a camera, a phone, or a lick of social media.  Nobody else needs to see it.  They are true to their nature.  Please don’t let them change!  Please, can we find a way to hide them from all of this nonsense?!

Obviously, I am thinking like a mother.  I am not thinking like the 20 year old girl that danced on bars.  Thank the good Lord that Facebook didn’t exist when I was in college.  Or if it did, it wasn’t big yet.  We just made fools of ourselves in the privacy of our town bars and frat houses.  We took pictures with disposable cameras that never got developed.  The only way my mom could track me down is if I happened to be in my dorm room when she called.  We walked around disconnected.  It was wonderful. 

I miss it.

I hope for it for my children; to stay anonymously innocent.  Untouched.

Look, I am not against social media.  I think it is a great way to stay connected with people who you would never have if it didn’t exist.  I love seeing my friend’s babies grow up.  I love being in “the know.” I think I just tire quickly of people living their life for the validation.  This isn’t about “the Selfie” anymore.  To me, this is about the self, the person’s need to perform, a person’s character.  Where does real begin and exhibition end?  Where and what is the line?  As a society, have we crossed it?

So anyway, I’m going to cross my pajama-clad legs.  Tighten my messy bun.  Do the dishes.  Tuck my girls in bed.  And watch my little one move her lips like she is still sucking on a pacifier as she sleeps.  That is my Instagram moment.  But, I won’t post it, because that one is just for me.  I’ll snap a picture in my mind and hold it dear to my heart. 

Trust

My oldest daughter is starting Kindergarten next week.  We are entering a new era, joining the public school, starting the beginning of growing up.  We will start to get further and further away from dress up and dolls.  We will start to have homework and sit down at the table with a pencil and pen instead of a crayon.  We will have longer days at school, lunch away from home, and packed schedules.  We won’t get to wake up and lay in bed together until 10 am, nor will we get to have lazy days playing hair salon.  We won’t have as much time for play dates with friends outside of our classroom. 

We won’t but then we will.  What we will have, is so much more than we could ever realize.  We will have it together. 

We will have more grown up talks.  I will get to hear more detailed stories about her day.  There will be letters and poems.  She will start to comprehend a better understanding of feelings and of self.  Our connection will blossom into a more mature mother-daughter relationship.

It all starts with kindergarten.  Our first step.

I don’t know what to tell her next week before school.  Be yourself.  Be kind.  Be brave. Make friends.  Have manners.  Listen to your teacher.  Respect your classmates.  Share.  Smile.  Learn.  Be happy.

And then what do I tell myself?

The same things?  Be strong.  Be brave.  Be the rock.  We will get through this. 

I’m a pretty easy going person.  But, one thing I do know is that, kindergarten is a big step.  It is a new step.  We are both going into unchartered territories.  We will both have to enter blindly; there will be new people, a bigger school, new faces, and a new understanding of what is expected of us.

 We will do it together.

The change of season is about renewal.  From summer to fall, the air gets chilled but our hearts get warmer because we are sending our children off to school for others to make sure they are well taken care of and for them to grow. 

One thing we must have is trust.  We have to trust our children to make good decisions.  We have to trust them to carry out everything we have taught them over the years.  We have to trust ourselves, we haven’t been perfect but we have done the right things for our children.  That will show.  We will hear their echoing voices down the hallway and know that they are voices of positivity and kindness, because we taught them that.  At least we tried to…every single day.  We haven’t been perfect because there is no such thing, but we have been perfect in our efforts and struggles.  We have strived to do what is best for them. 

And every day we will see it more and more.  (I just hope the yelling and pulling my hair out doesn’t translate over there)

Good luck getting your babies off to school next week.  We will all be nervous and excited together.  We will all be taking new steps.  Whether its first grade, fourth, high school, pre-k or kindergarten, trust in yourself.  Know that you have done your best and continue to do so.  And if you strive to do your best…so will they.

Understood

Why are Mom friends so important?

I know that I could not survive without them.  They all bring different things to the table but are the same in on thing; their imperfection.  That is what I fall in love with in Mom friends.  That is what I am drawn to.  It makes them human to me, and lovely.  When I see someone trying too hard to be the perfect mom or acting like it is the only thing that makes them tick, it makes me question if I want them in my life.  I don’t want a friend in my life who knows all the answers.  I want someone who doesn’t.  I want us to find out together.  Because after all, there is no ONE answer for anything when it comes to parenting.  Sometimes I think there isn’t an answer at all.  There is just a lot of trying and a lot of imperfection; there is a lot of hoping we are doing the right thing. 

I have always wanted real in my life.  I have always gravitated toward people who can be honest with themselves about the hardships of life, even if they are miniscule.  They are there, nonetheless, for everyone.  I don’t care if you have more money than Donald Trump.  I don’t care if you are a working mom or a stay at home.  I don’t care if you have a struggling marriage or one of perfection.  None of this matters to me.  What matters is being truthful in your journey; being honest in your journey.  And then, sharing that honesty with others in the same boat.  Those people, those moms, are the woman who help me get up in the morning.  They are the ones who I can text at 8:45 am and say, “I have already had the worst day.” And they are the ones who text me back and say, “I’m with you.” Or they text me back something funny and I laugh so hard through my tears. 

They make me feel understood.

Not that I have never felt understood in my life, but I think I feel most understood now.  I’m sure we have all been misunderstood at some point in our lives.  But, what we are now is so much different than what we were then.  Being a Mom changes everything.  In changes our minds, our souls, and our outlook on life.  I try to stay away from the drama of it.  Try.  Sometimes it is hard.  But as long as you surround yourself with the right people, it tends to stay at bay, because, the right people take care of each other.  They lift up. They don’t care if you are class mom.  They don’t care if you bake the best brownies or give the best gifts on Valentine’s Day.  They only care about you.  And when a parent dies or a friend is sick, they offer help.  They make meals.  They send groceries.  They genuinely care.  Is it hard to find supportive moms?  No.  Absolutely not.  It isn’t hard at all.  They surround us all with a wink and knowing smile.  They are at the grocery store.  They are in your gym class.  They are sitting at the pediatrician’s office.  They are in your playgroup or in your Mom’s club.  They are at the pool, at the beach, on Facebook, walking down the street.  They are all here to make you realize that you aren’t alone.  Give them a wink and a wave.  Give them a thumbs up.  Show them that they aren’t alone.  And the ones who are in your life, treasure them.

I celebrate my Mom friends.  I thank them.  I hope they know how much I love them.  I hope they know that I understand them. 

I hope you know that too.

You are understood.

The Schlep

Do you always feeling like you are schlepping somewhere? A bag on your arm, a puddle jumper under your arm pit, a chair hanging from your shoulder, and somehow you have to also hold the hands of your children as you cross the street and THEN you have to hold their pail because it is TOO HEAVY? What? And God forbid you don’t have the right amount of snacks in that full bag of gear?!!!

You know those golf cart looking things that people, (and by people, I mean parents) bring to the beach. For some reason, I was always so against them; like it was giving up. Let me roll myself onto the beach for some fun. You see them pushing these large contraptions onto the beach with all the gear hanging from every crevice of the cart. I always thought, why do they need so much stuff? Simplicity people!!!! Then, I became a parent. I don’t have one, but now I look at them longingly as I schlep all the STUFF. We truly need all that STUFF!

I know it isn’t just me. I know these things happen to everyone. I know it. I see it. I see the numerous bathroom breaks, the eye-rolls by the Moms, the snack begging, and the sunscreen fights at the pool/beach. I see it all. We all have to deal with these things. It is our certificate for summer parenting.

But the truth is this; life as a parent always consists of a lot of schlepping. Schlepping, packing up and rubbing. Like, are we always rubbing sunscreen on our kids? Is there an invention we can create to make this easier? Now we can’t even use the spray, god dang it. Inhaling chemicals from the spray sunscreen?? Did you see that article? You must have seen it. It went viral. Who said that; a person laughing behind their computer screen and watching all of us chase our kids around with white goop on our hands? He is laughing that evil laugh from the corner of the pool area, reading an article about the biggest myths in America and using his binoculars to watch us suffer, close up. Chemicals my butt! I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m not happy about it. Not happy at all. Well, I mean, now I spray it on my hand and rub. Hope that is ok.

Click here to read the article that went viral

So here we are, schlepping, rubbing, and feeding. Do your kids always want every single snack at the pool/beach? They won’t play; they will just sit at your feet and beg for snacks. And it is never good enough. You didn’t bring pretzels? How could you?! Do you ever just want to be like, “GO PLAY!!!!!?” Enough with the snacks and the tubes and the pool toys. Go swallow water or float on your back. Isn’t that what we did as kids?

But you know what, when you finally get there and put the bag down and open your chair, it is all worth it. And then sometimes they will surprise you and they will go play. They will play for 2 hours straight and you will put your face in the sun and soak it up. You will talk to your friends and watch them play and splash. And you know what; we earned it; because we do so much. We deserve to bask in the sun amidst all the paraphernalia. We deserve the easy moments too. Those are the moments you can take a minute and truly appreciate everything that you have and everything that you do. Those snippets of relaxation make it all worth it.

It’s life.

It isn’t always easy. It rarely is. But, we get through the hard things so that we may enjoy the trouble-free, undemanding, laid-back things. We all have to carry our baggage through the airport, but sometimes we land in paradise. There are those who have to commute hot and sweaty to work but get to buy themselves something that have always wanted from the sacrifice. Some of us have to carry along a big pregnant belly so that we may get to hold a piece of heaven. Our baggage gets us our stillness. Our schlepping brings us to peace. Our rubbing allows our children to safely splash in the sun. Our work allows us to enjoy some rewards.

Maybe it is a free 2 hours. Maybe it is a snuggle at the pool. Perhaps it is the biggest smile you have ever seen as they lick an ice pop. Maybe your daughter will sing you to sleep after a long day in the sun.

Whatever your reward is, enjoy it. Bask it in. You’ve earned it.

It isn’t always easy. But, it will ALWAYS be worthwhile.

Abandon Ship

Let me set the scene. My (almost) 3 year old daughter didn’t take a nap. We were on vacation out east with my in-laws. There were a lot of people over, some of them I have met before and some of them I have never met; my husband’s very warm and inviting family friends. It was about 3 pm, prime meltdown mode via no nap. It was at that time that a boat ride was decided. My older daughter didn’t want to go (thank goodness). I was determined to distract the little one right out of it, but it didn’t work. She had her Dora life jacket on and she was ready to go, determined to go. I really wanted someone to say that there wasn’t enough room for us, but there was. Of course there was. On the walk over, I knew. I just knew. This won’t go well.

Did you ever decide that mid-event/trip/excursion, that it was enough? That you couldn’t take another minute and so you ABORT the mission? It can happen anywhere, the park, the pool, the museum. All of the sudden, enough is enough. Even on the ride over, you know. You know it is a mistake. Someone won’t be able to take it. Someone is going to lose it. Maybe it will be you? Most likely, it will be them. So you decide at that MOMENT…”we are leaving.” Pack it up. It’s over. It could literally be 5 minutes into it but it doesn’t matter. You are done.

On a bright sunny Saturday, as a Mom, that was me. I got myself into a situation where I needed to ABORT. And so, I did what I had to do. I had to Abandon Ship.

At the beginning of the boat ride, she was fine. But then everyone started tubing and she wanted to go. She was too little, of course, and the tube was too small for two people and so I had to say no. Well, that was not on her little agenda. Her little 2 ½ year old mind could not possibly fathom this alternate scenario. She screamed and cried. I knew it was coming. I sensed it early on. The tubing and the fact that she wasn’t allowed to drive the boat, just exacerbated it. She didn’t stop and at that point, I needed to get off. I needed to get out. She was tantruming in a small, somewhat unsafe space. Everyone was having a blast, enjoying the sun, riding the tube, and I was trying to think of an escape plan. I finally told my father in law; we need to be dropped off. (Not to mention the fact that my husband had scheduled a dinner with clients and I had to be ready by 6 pm). It was 4:45.

I sat and talked to her in a quiet voice and she somewhat calmed down, but I knew another storm was brewing. One misstep and it could be set off.

And so, he stopped the boat about 30 feet from the shore. Brain overload. I guess I assumed we would be dropped off at the dock, but because everyone was still tubing, this seemed to be our only exit option. But I’m fully dressed, I thought. I didn’t have time to get into my bathing suit before the ride. My husband and a few other people were floating on rafts along the shore of the bay and I handed our little one over board to my husband. He passed her along. I, on the other hand, was fully clothed, still decked out in my 4th of July red and white striped dress with a full blue skirt. I had shoes on. My husband said to me, “step on the raft and I will pull you over to the beach.” Am I doing this? Do I really need to get off this boat that bad? The girl with me said, “I think you are.” Because of time constraints, I said, “I guess I am.” A fully clothed 30 something-year old woman, a raft, and 30 feet of bay to cover. How do you think it went?

I stepped on the raft, it deflated, and I went under. I started treading water like I was drowning and my father-in-law leaned over the side of the boat and said, “Noreen, you know you can stand.” Oh. I guess I don’t have to flail my arms around and gasp for breath. Ha! I walked through the water, tripped over a rock on the way, and then finally made it to shore, soaked and salty with seaweed literally hanging off my legs and arms. It’s ok. You can laugh. At that point…who cares, I was off. I took a shower and was ready by 5:45 (with time to spare).

We had a great night and rehashed the story a million times over, everyone laughing about it, me included. Of course you have to laugh at yourself. The things we do as Moms. What we will do to get out of something. The things we will do to avoid a meltdown in front of strangers. (Thank goodness they had a sense of humor). Realizing when the moment is over. Understanding yourself and your children enough to know when the trip/excursion/outing is done. Figuring out that it is time to get out with the least amount of casualties, saving ourselves and maybe a little bit of pride, a smidgen?! Knowing that sometimes they had enough, but sometimes it is us who has had enough. And when we find ourselves treading water in 3 ft., fully clothed with a 4th of July dress clinging to our every part, holding our shoes in each hand, we know that a Mom will always do what we have to do, to survive.

Switch Flip

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post that I never sent.  I had a really terrible, off week.  One of those “the world is ending” weeks; one of those, “I’m a terrible Mom” weeks.  

I wrote:

“Today is a day that I truly feel like I don’t have anything together.  Nothing is clicking for me.  Nobody is clicking with me.  I am missing my stride.  I know it is just a moment in time and everything will be back to normal in a few days.  I have so much to do and I can’t get anything done.  I miss school, desperately.  School is the equivalent of everything wonderful and happy for me.  I know they are learning something.  I know there is no TV involved, and in the end, it makes me a good parent.  I’m a good parent and all I did was drop them off. 

I’m currently between school and camp.  Now, I’m a mediocre parent.  Last week was a long rainy week and so I was a poor parent.  How on earth do I keep my kids entertained between the hours of 8 am and 7 pm with rain involved?  When the sun is out, it is definitely easier with the parks and swings.  When it is raining, it might as well be January and 20 degrees for all I care.”

I realized after I wrote it that it sounded so negative and pissy (for lack of a better word).  The truth is nobody wants to hear me rant.  We all have hard days.  So, I stopped myself and decided to turn it around and write Blink (posted last week).  After I wrote it, I felt much better.  I flipped a switch in my head.  I clicked it and I instantly felt better.  I decided to focus on how much my 2 young girls have changed my life for the better and how time flies and that we need to make these moments count.  I decided to make it count.  Sometimes, it is all about our perception.  Sometimes, it isn’t about what is actually happening but how we perceive it.  Our perception is our reality.  And then, how we react.

The truth is we have the ability to change our perception and create a new reality.  We are moms, yes.  We have hard days, yes.  School is over and we have to deal with changes, yes.  But, we have the ability to make it all count and see it all in a positive light.  I’m seeing it. 

My dad just said to me today, “your thoughts become your actions.”  We were talking about behavioral patterns.  This is something we have all heard in our lives.  It is the truth.  Behavioral patters start with our thoughts.  Our thoughts create our actions.  He took it from a quote by Lao Tzu.  He wrote: “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

If we have negative thoughts, we will in turn, act negatively.  If we continue on this path of negativity, we will become negative people.  If we think it, we will become it.   I know it sounds simple, but it is hard to do.  It has to be consistent.  We have to continuously keep our head above water and see the beauty of the day.   And on those rainy days, we have to try and find the sunshine within.  And if we think good thoughts, good things will happen.  Like yesterday when my kids played all day together without fighting.  They were working off me.  I know they were.  And I was smiling.  And so were they.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you find yourself barreling down a negative path, flip the switch.  Make a change.  Look at something positive.  We are all moms.  We are all in this together.  It isn’t always easy, that is for sure.  But, we are all playing the same game, trying to do it with the best intentions.  So, we keep going.  And if we can perceive our paths in the best light, I know we can make the best plays.  In the end, the people who will benefit the most from it are you and your family.

Have a happy, healthy and safe 4^th of July. 

Blink

When you close your eyes, can you picture yourself strutting to the bars in your 20’s, looking for Mr./Mrs Right. You declare, “I don’t need a man, “and dance until your legs give out with your arms thrown up in the air. I was the type that would pour beers on my head and allow others to pour it on mine; all in the name of fun. I would drink floaters on the way to the bathroom (College!!—I know gross). No rules.

Flash forward to when you do find the person. Bars don’t seem as appealing. Priorities change. Everyone gets full-time jobs and the idea of staying out until 3 am is a thing of the past. I would rather go to long dinners with good food and company; call it a night at say...around…11?! Does that seem fair? All of the sudden, you can’t wait to wake up early so you can have your cup of coffee and start your day.

And now, I sit here looking at my 2 beautiful, lovely girls with bright pink dresses on, French braids, and headbands; eating a snack. They are relaxing after a long day in the pool. My little one just took a stick of butter out of the refrigerator and took a bite out of it. Awesome. But truthfully, I wish for and want nothing more.

You know what happened, I blinked.

It is kind of crazy and scary that it all seemed to have happened in an instant. We get older, our parents get older, and then all of the sudden Jennifer Lopez is 44. I remember when she was dancing on “In Living Color,” just yesterday. This is how fast it all goes. It happens in an instant.

My oldest is turning 5. By the time you read this, she will have turned 5 already. For someone like me, who wasn’t sure I could even have a baby, this is amazing to me. But truthfully, it is amazing for every parent. To know that you put in all of your time and effort into raising these children, and here they are, having birthdays (thankfully) and growing up. Time is marching on. They are getting older and we are shaping them and at times, trying to keep our patience and keep them in line, and wait…keep ourselves completely sane (no easy task).

Thank goodness that she is amazing. She is so sweet and polite but at times sassy and resistant. She has the biggest, boldest imagination that I have ever seen. She loves sparkles, headbands, dresses and dolls. She has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She is the star of her beautiful life. I am so proud that she is my daughter. I hope I can help her be the person she is meant to be. I hope I can do her justice.

Because when I close my eyes, she is laying on my chest in the hospital, so small and sweet. I couldn’t believe she was mine, and I still can’t believe it.

After all, even though I blinked, I was able to see it all. If I close my eyes, I can see the dancing and the drinks, the laughter and the tears. I can see weddings and wakes, birthdays and baptisms. I can see the babies clearly; I can see the first steps, first words, and the firsts of many. I can see it all. And when my daughter blows out her candles, I will make a wish. I will wish to try and make it count. Because I know that I will blink again and this 5th birthday will be another beautiful memory to look back

The Starbucks Syndrome

My husband and I always shake our heads in disbelief when we pass Starbucks. Who are those people and how do they have the time to sit with a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in the middle of the day? We want to be them. Doesn’t that sound luxurious? Let’s go relax with a caramel macchiato in hand and a blueberry scone in the other. Or, let’s just meet at Starbucks and chat about nothing at all. I mean, it isn’t like you pass Starbucks and it is ever empty?! There is always someone there sitting at the table with their computer (working from home?) or with someone else at the table chatting it up (business meeting?). Or are people just pretending to be busy? Who knows…

The whole idea of Starbucks is to belong to something bigger than ourselves. The coffee is good but the idea of the coffee is better. It is the ritual. Sometimes ideas are actually better than the reality of it. I don’t drink coffee anymore so for me, the idea of iced green tea from Starbucks is definitely better than the actual drink. The Starbucks Syndrome. Parenting is a lot like that.

We have it in our heads, the way we think we should be, or the way we think we should parent but the reality is that we will never live up to the ideals, and that is ok. I don’t want to throw the TV on mid-day, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I need to. I know I should be creating a craft or being involved. But, I honestly need the down-time. So, I do it. It isn’t ideal. It is necessary. Oftentimes, we find out that we do things because they are necessary, because this is reality, and because we live in an imperfect world. Ideals are what we can strive for, but we don’t have to live up to them on a daily basis.

And I have to be ok with that.

We have ideas of the way we think things should go, birthday parties, trips to Disney, beach days, pool days, etc. They never go the way we think it will go. They will never be that cup of coffee with a newspaper on a Tuesday at 10 am.

This year, I have decided to scale down my daughter’s birthday party. I always did the big party at the big place. The truth is, I know my daughter and I know that she doesn’t need all that. She will be happy with cake, her family, and her best friend. That is enough for her. When I go above and beyond and try to perform the “ideal,” it is really never what she wants. The “ideal” falls flat for both of us. I want her happiness over the big party. It just isn’t her cup of tea. So, we will see how it goes. I feel guilty but that is on me. Scaling down is what she needs AND what I need right now in my life, for all of us. I’m setting the over the top ideals, aside.

Because what is it all really about? Nothing is going to ever be what we think it might be. It will never go as planned. It will never be the best of the best, the greatest day of all. And even if we get that cup of coffee on that Tuesday afternoon, it won’t be what we see when we drive by. When we drive by, what we don’t realize is that nothing is ever what it seems. Maybe the person sitting there is lonely or jobless. Maybe, if we get that moment, we will sit there and think to ourselves, this is nice, but you know what would be nicer?!

Or maybe we would wish we were home, with our family.

Showing Up

When I look back, I see my husband holding up our 4 week old baby and her pooping everywhere, on his arms, on his shirt, and all over the bassinette. I remember laughing so hard through sleep-deprived tears and thinking, it is official. He’s a dad.

I remember watching him run down the street toward me, pushing the stroller with a screaming baby inside, wondering what to do?! Take her out, I thought. “It never goes as planned,” I told him.

And it doesn’t. But, you know what, he continues to show up with a smile and do the work.

Now, I see him turn off his alarm at 4:45 am and get out of bed. He puts in long days and then gets home and puts his kids to bed, our kids. He spends time reading books and giving baths. He is so tired but he knows this is his only time with his kids, so he works through his sleepy eyes and shows up for them with a smile, every day. He shows up for me. He shows up for them. He always shows up and he always does the work. He always chooses us. To me, that is a real dad; someone who continues to do the work even when he is tired, when he works hard, when he doesn’t have a minute to himself. My husband; he shows up. He is a phenomenal father. He is a happy father who spends time teaching his girls. I think he learned from the best, his dad.

I think about all the dads out there…

I see a dad at a barbeque with his 3 kids while his wife works on her final project for school. He changes diapers, cuts up food, and makes sure everyone is well- taken care of every step of the way. I see him at the town pool the next day, following his 1 year old daughter around the pool, while watching his 3 and 5 year old children. I get a warm feeling inside, seeing a man who truly does man up.

I see a grandpa holding his granddaughters, one in each arm. He never sits down. If they want him, he puts down whatever he is doing to play with them. He tickles and hugs. He spins and dances. He puts in the time, tenfold…to all of us. My dad, an extraordinary dad and grandpa.

I see a random dad on a random day running around the playground, chasing his children. They are laughing and squealing at the top of their lungs. So much fun. I think to myself, that is what dads are for. They are so good at playing, chasing, and making their kids belly laugh, that special belly laugh. Sometimes I believe it is reserved just for their dads.

These dads: the dads that man up, show up, make their kids laugh, read with them, play with them, provide for their family, take the time, do the work; they deserve to be recognized. There is nobody more generous than them.

Let us not forget that.

Happy Father’s Day to all the extraordinary dads out there who show up and do the work with a smile. We love you. Thank you!

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.”

~Author Unknown

The Selfie

The Selfie: How do we teach our children to treat their “self” with worth and love, but without self-entitlement and ego?   And to what end does a selfie conspire to create, advance, embellish or improve one’s self worth?

My husband, who isn’t on facebook, instagram, or twitter, made me laugh so hard the other day.  He was like, “I don’t get the selfie.  So people turn their phone around and take a picture of their face and then put it online?  Without the Eiffel Tower behind them?”  I couldn’t stop laughing.  He is so against the selfie.  I guess he is old school that way, if you can be in your 30’s, old school that is.  I responded, “This is what people do now.  Do you want me to send you a selfie of me tomorrow…with the background being my pots and pans cupboard?”  Because that is where we are at.

He was like, “no thanks.”  I laughed again. 

Look, I am not against the selfie.  I will never take a selfie of just me and upload it anywhere online.  I’ll always throw a kid in there or a friend or 2.  More power to the people who can, I just can’t.  I’ll take a selfie if I just got my makeup done and send it to my friend with the caption, “I look like a clown.”  This did happen.  But truthfully, the selfie represents something more in our world, changes.  Shifts.  Our world, us, our youth; we are all changing.  Do I sound like an over the hill weirdo?  What has happened to our youth?  But truthfully, is the weakness of the youth now nothing more than a tortured fragility of narcissistic survival? What is it in a selfie that makes one happy? Is it the image? Is it the idea of the image? Or the drive to produce “Likes?” Or the constant feedback loop of self-indulgence? I am at a loss to understand.  And the scary thing about it is; what if they don’t get those “likes,” they so need? Does it cause depression? Is that what might be driving up the teen suicide rates or the homicidal behavior?  I don’t know.  It all stems from the morphing values of our society; they are less important, more trivial.  And those things can be captured with one image, one snap, one flash; the selfie.  Click.

1.    self

self; plural noun:

A person's essential being that distinguishes them from others,

synonyms:

ego, I, oneself, persona, person, identity, character, personality, psyche, soul, spirit, mind, (inner) being

I thought it was interesting that the first synonym of the word “self” is “ego.”  We all have egos, yes?  We all don’t want to fall behind.  We all want to be a part of something.  We all want to show our best selves.  Social media gives us that option.  But there is a point when all of this stuff becomes disingenuous; when moments become less real and more for show.  We don’t want that.  I saw 3 young girls at the movie theater putting their heads together to take a selfie before the movie started.  They spent the next 5 minutes uploading the picture and waiting for responses.  They all stared at their phones and didn’t talk to each other.  As I said before, to me, the whole scene looked disingenuous.   Fake.  Phony.  All for show.

I am not trying to take anything away from anyone.  I’m just trying to think about things as a whole.  I’m thinking about my children too.  I’m thinking of all the young children.  How we can steer our children the right way, away from the self-indulgent society we live in now.  It shouldn’t all be about us, me.  It should be about something more than that.  I’m not saying we need to live for others.  Of course, we have to live for ourselves and grow ourselves, absolutely.  I’m growing every day and trying to learn from mistakes, etc.  But, I am trying to do it in a genuine way.  Trying!  I don’t think I’ll take a selfie and say, “Look at me learning from my mistakes.”  Cheese!  Click.  Upload.  Wait.

But, I guess we need to teach our children to think outside themselves.  How?  By leading the way.  I don’t know; by steering them away from things like the selfie, the check-ins, the waiting for validation.  “A person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others,” should be shown in ways that actually distinguishes from others.  That is one’s self.  Make a real impact.  That should be shared and valued.  And I’m telling you, I know it can’t be shown by a selfie on a random Tuesday that was taken 25 times to get it right.  Pictures should capture essence; a family photo; a little girl giving someone a flower; a husband and wife on their anniversary; real genuine laughter; a mother holding her son.  Moments captured.  Those are pictures to be shared and valued as well.

Let’s think outside of ourselves.  Let us influence others through the way we live everyday not in what we show in an uploaded instant.  Let us make our “self” better by doing more for others.  Maybe it is time to get away from the useless self-indulgent "wants" and look at the real "needs" of the present. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to look within oneself rather than of your exterior smiling selfie looking back at you.

A special thanks to my dad and husband for helping me get my thoughts clear about the “selfie.”

The Space Between

“The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more”

-Dave Matthews Band

We met our friends at the boardwalk on Saturday where there were a ton of kiddie rides.  It was crowded and I think my kids were a tad bit over stimulated.  If you were looking at a slideshow, you would see some happy moments and smiles but some extreme moments as well.  You would see the moment on the motorcycle ride when my 4 year old cried hysterically because she was scared.  They had to stop the ride right smack in the middle of it.  You would see me chasing my 2 year old down the boardwalk, making deals for her to come back and join the group.  You would see all those moments as a parent where we have to keep our eye on our children, how we cannot have a normal conversation because we are always making sure, checking out the scene, holding hands, helping on and off rides, being a parent.  You would see my husband having a long talk with my 4 year old trying to convince her to have fun.  You know what, sometimes the big bright lights and fancy rides aren’t what they want or need.  I’m realizing this.

We went to the beach afterward and sat down while our kids played in the sand and ran from the waves.  They were quiet and peaceful and in turn, so were we.  They shoveled the sand with their little shovel and pail.  They collected sea shells.  They didn’t need anything elaborate; the extravagant rides or the fast-paced movement.  But, they wouldn’t be happy sitting home either.  They needed somewhere in the space between.  They needed nice, slow-moving, outdoor moments in the sun and with their family and friends.  I feel like I have to remind myself of this.  Sometimes they don’t need anything amazing or out of control, they just need amazing moments of peace and family.  They just want me to sit and dig a hole with them.  Or stand and hold their hands while we put our feet in the water.   They don’t need much.  What they need is somewhere in the space between the elaborate and the basic. 

Do we put pressure on ourselves to make things amazing for them?  Absolutely.  We think we need to go above and beyond to make them happy.  But, we don’t.  We don’t need to bring the bright lights and fancy plans.  We just need to bring ourselves.  We are creating memories.  I feel like I know what they will remember.  They won’t remember the big things, those big moments that we think.  They will remember the everyday ones in the space between holidays and big parties, boardwalk rides and sitting on the couch.  They won’t remember the grand old things; they will remember the everyday things and people who put stamps on their lives and hearts.  As parents, I think we have to remember this.  I know I do.ill remember the everyday things.  As parents, I think we have to remember this.  Set up

Life is crazy.  Social media is crazy too.  It makes us think we have to do more for our kids than the next person.  It makes us think that we aren’t bringing them to the biggest/best place on earth, than we aren’t doing enough.  But, we are.  We know our children.  We know what they need.  And we know that they don’t need all the big plans.  They need us.  They need simplicity.  This summer, I want to remember to give this to them. 

After the beach, we had a nice dinner outside with our family and the girls swung a golf club around in the backyard and threw grass at each other.  They picked flowers and collected rocks and gave them to the people they love so much.  We pretended the rocks were diamonds and wrapped up the flowers in leaves to make mini bouquets.  Oh my goodness, they loved it.  This is what I am talking about.  This is what they need; this is what we need as parents.  Simple moments wrapped in big love.

There are so many extremes in our life.  Highs and lows; hard times, difficult months, illnesses, etc., but I hope where you find yourself is somewhere in between; in the middle, in the simple, in the uncomplicated, in the honest, in the hopeful, in the happy…

In the space between …

 “The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time”

-Dave Matthews Band