“To thine own self be
true” – William Shakespeare
My 4 year old daughter is amazing. She is sweet, serious, silly, and
motherly. But, she can also be
standoff-ish. Sometimes, she wants to
play alone and be alone. I am completely
fine with that. Last week, she was at
the pool and didn’t feel like playing with her best friend. She wanted to spin in circles with her Ariel
doll. I felt bad for her friend, because
she was upset. I told my daughter that
as long as she tells her friend nicely that she wants to play by herself, it is
ok. She can play alone. Now my question is, do I or should I explain
this to her friend’s mother?
Do I make excuses for her?
“Oh you know, kids will be kids.
She is a little tired because she has been here since 10 am and its
2:30. She also didn’t have a huge
breakfast so she could be hungry…blah blah blah…” Should I go into it? My answer is no. I shouldn’t.
Of course, I want her to play with her friend and of course I don’t want
her friend to be upset. That stinks from
her mother’s point of view and from my point of view also. I really don’t like to see her little friend
sitting by herself at the pool upset because my daughter won’t play. Are you kidding, I want to drag my daughter by her hand
and tell her to do the happy dance with her friend. But, at the same time I cannot make my child
play with another. I cannot force them
to hold hands, skip around, and like
it. “You are going to have fun,
and you are going to LIKE IT!”
I still believe in being inclusive and all that, but I also
believe that we have to let our children figure out this world on their
own. We cannot make them play a certain
way, fight all of their battles, and make excuses for them when they don’t feel
like playing. We need to own our
children for who they are. Do I love
when my daughter gets standoff-ish?
No. Do I accept it? Yes.
Do I love that my 2 year old cries from 5-6 pm after her nap? No. Do I accept it? Yes. Do
I rejoice in the fact that my daughter gets quiet and over stimulated in a big
crowd? Not really. But I accept it. I have to.
If I try to change my children or make them someone or something that
they are not, they will not be happy.
They will grow up in this world unable to TRUST their own
instincts. I don’t want that for
them. There are some things that I’ll
force (safety, lessons, being kind) and
there are some things that I’ll let go.
At the pool, when my daughter didn’t want to play, I let that one
go. It is what it is. They are who they are. And I am fine with my daughter and who she
is. She is beautiful and lovely and I
will never think differently, even when she doesn’t feel like playing with her
friends and even when she is being standoff-ish.
I just think the one thing we really shouldn’t do is make
excuses for our children. They are who
they are. We, as parents, need to own it
and try not to get involved with the little day to day troubles.
As long as they aren’t being mean on purpose or hitting or
shoving, let’s let them be.
Also, as parents we should always understand our side and we
should always try and understand the other side. One day, my daughter will be on the receiving
end and I will tell her that is ok. Sometimes
her friends want to play alone as well.
I will not place blame on the other mother or child.
I’m noticing now that my daughter is 4, that we have to
start to relinquish control and let them live.
“To thine own self be true” It is so old fashioned, but timeless all the
same. We have to let them be true to
themselves. We have to be true to
ourselves. If we can all stay true to
what and who we are, we will all be close to real, good old-fashioned
happiness.
I agree. I won't get into the whole thing, but this is like a conversation I've been having for 48 hours where I want to beat my head against my desk.
ReplyDeleteLong story short- 4 yr old boy wants to wear nail polish because mom & sister are. Dad flips out so mom says no. Mom feels bad because son is crying. She asks what says the "group". Of course you know what I say. There were moms who said they tell their sons no it's for girls.
One mom's rationale was that her kids are biracial & they enough on their plate to make their sons feel comfortable in their skin- why set him up to be teased?
My answer was- Duh. Coping skills. Race doesn't wash off. Nail polish does. If he wants it and gets makes fun of, he will have to then decide how to cope. Does he handle it by washing it off and never doing it again or does he wear it and say- I like it, I don't care what you or anyone else thinks. But he should be able to decide and be left to own his decisions- popular decision or not. You don't just choose for your kid to be a sheep as a preventative measure. How about instilling the confidence to have his own mind?
You can't protect them from everything, you won't always be around to resolve conflict or make excuses, and no one should be forced to be someone they're not. They HAVE to be able to learn how to navigate friendships, moods, conflicts, etc. They can't learn to think outside the box if they're always stuffed in one. Sure, we'd be less embarrassed and sometimes their moods or quirks make things for difficult for US, but then WE need to learn to cope.
That's why, when kids were being mean at the pool, I just watched. I was prepared to do something if someone laid a hand on him or did something dangerous in the water, but otherwise, just let him figure it out. Then we talk about it later and how he felt about it.