Sneaky Bitches

Facebook and Instagram are slowly destroying America, one group shot at a time; one check-in at a time; one “I’m with (insert name/s) at (insert place)” What it really should say is, “I’m NOT with you.”  SUCKER!  Pretty soon we will all need to pop a pill before we click on our Facebook app to prepare ourselves for what depression we will feel when we see one of our friends with one of our other friends together, without you.  Or maybe they are altogether, pointing at the camera with one hand, holding a mixed drink with the other.  Smile.  You click on the picture and look at it for a minute or so, trying to see if anyone else you know is in the backround; squinting those eyes.

How many times have you seen a group shot on Facebook and said to yourself, “What the F?  Why wasn’t I invited?”  More than 15…less than 1,000?!  That is my range.  And/or how many times have you seen a group shot from virtual strangers and thought to yourself, “Wow, looks like a good group of friends.”  How nice for them.

I wish when someone introduced themselves to you, they could be real.  “Hi, I’m Peggy and I’m a sneaky bitch.”  And I would say, “Hi Peggy, why?”  “Well,” she would respond, “at times I will make you feel really good and build you up and then other times I will send  you sailing down a whirling, twirling black hole until you hit the ground hard.” Thump!  I would think to myself for a second and then say, “How high are the highs?”  “Very high,” she would respond.  "Oh, that sounds nice," I would say.  “But, the lows leave you with a pit in your stomach.”  After careful deliberation, I would pass, even though Peggy was really cute and wearing a matching coral necklace with earrings.  I could learn a lot from her I’d think.  But, it wouldn’t be enough.  If I stayed friends with Peggy on Facebook at least (because we like to torture ourselves), I would see her smiling big smiles with her “friends” in cute white pants and a floral top but I would know better.  Her highlights would be fresh and her lipstick would be without smudges.  I would feel bad for whoever her arms were wrapped tightly around though.  Any day now, I would think.  They are on a high right now. 

Peggy isn’t a real person.  She represents the sneaky bitch that we all know; the one who excludes.  Look, I know I’ve been in the group shot before.  I have.  Maybe I pissed someone off with that and maybe they called me a sneaky bitch.  Sorry?  But we can’t sit silently on the sidelines, can we?  The difference is that I don’t want to exclude anyone.  I really do believe in the old thinking of, “the more the merrier.”  AND, if I do happen to exclude, I will text the person who I think is excluded and apologize and explain why.  “I’m sorry that I put that picture of Facebook, I just wanted to say that I accepted an invitation, but if I planned it, I would have called you.”  That is the truth. I also try my best not to lie.  Sometimes I call that, diarrhea of the mouth.  If someone asks me where I was yesterday, I will tell her.  I won’t say, “Um, nowhere…didn’t do anything.”  I would say, “I saw Peggy yesterday.  What about you?”   Why can’t it ever be that easy? Honesty.  Being upfront.  Real.  It is the hiding that makes it sting, instead of feeling a quick painless pinch.

Why and how does High School follow us?  I never ever thought my 30’s would consist of ever feeling bad/sad about these trivial things.  My friend felt like this last week and my heart broke for her. She saw a picture of Facebook of a group of people out to dinner and she wasn’t included.  And another friend told me the same this week.  This isn’t out of nowhere.  Sneaky bitches are everywhere!!!  The funny thing is, I have my family, my children, and the rest should be cake.  It is, for the most part.  But, sometimes it is not.  That is how I can explain it.  Sometimes I find myself questioning my choices.  I’m human.  Don’t I always write that in my posts?  I’m human.  Because it is the truth.  We have a beating heart which strums up real emotions.  We aren’t made of wax.  Feelings are feelings.   

So what should we do now?  How do we weed out those sneaky bitches when they aren’t upfront about it?  Hold our head high; be nice; be as loyal as we can and impeccable with our word.  If we can do that, we can find real gems.  Hold on to those gems girls, they sparkle bright are hard to find, but when you find them, they make you feel nothing less than rich.     

 

Performance Reviews

Probably one of the most isolating thing about being a parent is not knowing how you are doing.  At work, you get a performance review every year to show you in plain writing, how well or not you are performing.  Do I meet expectations?  Will I get a bonus?  And if I receive a bonus, can I get a new pair of jeans with my winnings?  When I worked in HR, I never looked forward to my review because I didn’t like the job and I didn’t go above and beyond my job responsibilities.  But, when I worked as a consultant for learning disabled children, I couldn’t wait.  I loved my job and maybe had a feeling I would get a decent review.  Carl and Daryl…are you with me?!  J

The other night I went out for drinks with a few of my ‘mom’ friends who have quickly become my real friends, if not some of my best friends.  We talked about feeling sometimes as if we don’t get the proper kudos for doing a pretty good job at being a mom.  If I can get both of my girls dressed, fed and out the door by a certain time, I feel like I deserve a little slap on the back; a job well done.  Check off “Superb” please with a big red X and make it snappy.  On the other hand, we were five minutes late to the easter egg hunt on Saturday and missed the whole thing.  “Below expectations.”  Waaa, waaaa.

So, I have created a performance review and have filled it out for your benefit. ;)

A1  State your understanding of your main duties and responsibilities.

I clean up spit up, puke, crusty food on the floors, butts, and scattered toys.  I am in charge of raising human beings who will do anything to make my job harder.  Such things include saying No after everything I suggest, and throwing tantrums in public.  I clothe them, feed them, bathe them, and stimulate them as much as possible.  I also try my best to teach them the rules of life so that they can become a civilized member of our society.   

A2 Discussion points:

1. Has the past year been good/bad/satisfactory or otherwise for you, and why?  Good, but at times satisfactory and at other times bad.  The “good” moments are the ones that make me not want to run for the hills as I have suggested is a possible job switch in the future.  I hope those so called “hills” have reality TV and Starbucks coffee. 

2. What do you consider to be your most important achievements of the past year?  Not getting put into the looney bin.

3. What do you like and dislike about working for this organization? I like the hugs, kisses and love.  I dislike the tantrums, drama, crying, fighting, whining, not eating and sicknesses.

4. What elements of your job do you find most difficult? Mealtime, and 'See dislikes above'

A3  Score your own capability or knowledge in the following areas in terms of your current role requirements (1-3 = poor, 4-6 = satisfactory, 7-9 = good, 10 = excellent).

 

Time management  -5 Sometimes I don't realize that we should leave somewhere earlier or stay later.  Ex, taking girls to the park after school when 3 year old is tired knowing full well that she will melt down.  But, I ignore this fact and go because I want to see my friends and then she melts down.  Should have learned that I do not have enough time to squeeze in a park playdate after a full day of school.  Also, sometimes I don't judge how fast the whole, shoes, jackets, hats and gloves process takes.  It doesn't take 2.3 seconds.  It takes longer... 

Communication skills -4.5  I might raise my voice occassionally.  I said, "might"

 

Delegation skills -7 I am completely ok with anyone else taking the reigns.  Actually, I  give myself a 10 because I will delegate to anyone as long as a pedicure is in my near future.

 

Creativity-3 My imagination when playing house falls short to my daughter's creativitiy.  Needs improvement. And sometimes I end up sitting in my house because I cannot think of a thing to do that day.  Original.  Wait, and then I'll see a picture on facebook of someone at this new museum riding some crazy animal and I'll think to myself.  FAIL.

 

Problem-solving and decision-making -  5. Satisfactory.  I have hits and misses with these chickies.  Sometimes I am able to diffuse the Dora Doll fight before it happens and other times I am knee deep in a full on tug-a-war with nothing to stop it besides a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates and one of those funny E cards going around Facebook (for a laugh)

 

Team-working 7 I am starting to master having them play together as a unit by ignoring them to the point where they must play together because they cannot get through to me  

 

Energy and determination  6 for energy. There are times that I will get dressed, put them in dresses, and take a ride on the carousel and other times I will stay in my PJ's and watch them walk around in circles until lunch.  8 for determination. I really WANT to get them out. 

 

Steadiness under pressure ?? I mean, it truly depends on the amount of coffee intake. The more coffee, the less steadiness. 

Adaptability, flexibility, and mobility-5 It depends on where we are going and how much I actually want to go.  If I truly want to go, I will make it work.  If not, I will play the "Kids" card and become extremely inflexible. "Oh you know, with the 2 kids...it is kind of hard to walk outside my door for the block party that is happening on my front lawn.  See you next year"

Personal appearance and image- 1 for day to day when nobody sees me.  Just because I don't talk about it anymore, doesn't mean it has changed.  Sweatpants and buns are my motherhood uniform.  6- for other times...completely satisfactory.  maybe I will get a 7 when I get my ombre highlights this week. 

 

 

 

**Wait...I'm a little disappointed I didn't mark higher.  Maybe this was a bad idea.

 

Dear Person who wrote: Dear Mom on the IPhone

Did you see that post going around facebook and other parent sites, called “Dear Mom on the IPhone”

It starts like this:

” I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren't”  ---click here for the rest of it http://community.babycenter.com/post/a40783834/dear_mom_on_the_iphone

I don’t know why but I got mad when I saw this post.  It annoyed the crap out of me.  You know why, sometimes I am that mom and I am absolutely ok with it. 

I put my all in my kids but sometimes I just want them to play so that I CAN relax and take a minute on my IPhone or whatever else I want to do for myself.  Sometimes it will be at the park.  And sometimes someone will see it and perhaps someone might judge me for it.  You know what I say to him or her, Screw you.  You are annoying and maybe if you didn’t spend all your time judging everyone and then writing about it, you would have enough time to see me sitting on the bench giving you the finger.  Harsh?  Sorry.  I just cleaned puke from in between the bathroom tiles so forgive me.  I just cleaned it from my boots that my daughter puked on and then left them out to dry.  Then, I bathed my daughter to get the germs away, wrapped her in a towel and sang her rock-a-bye baby.  I made sure she drank enough fluids and then read her a few books before I put her to bed.  I then got my other daughter in her PJ’s.  I taught her how to do it by herself and then we surprised daddy.  I cleaned out her closet and we hung her dresses up together.  But, last week…when my daughters were playing at the park, I was sitting on a bench looking at my IPhone.  Did you see me?  I was looking down at my phone while my kids were playing.  It didn’t last long though because my daughter bumped her knee and cried and then my other daughter wanted a snack.  So, it was short-lived…but it was a beautiful moment.  I cherished it.  If someone saw me and judged me, I don’t care.  I spend enough time and beautiful moments with my children.  I deserve a moment.

So you say this:

“You’ve shown them, all these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..”

And I say this:

Do not judge someone unless you know the ins and outs of their lives.  Maybe that mom took pictures of her daughter twirling in the sunlight 5 minutes before you judged her.  It is possible that she fed and clothed and put bows in her hair all while singing a song before that infamous park IPhone moment.  Maybe they talked about the clouds on the way to the park.  Is it inconceivable that she finally had a minute to herself?!  Perhaps she hadn’t looked at her phone all day.  And, maybe just maybe, she was finally able to look down at something else other than her children.  Sue her.  She is human.  We all are.  We all need a minute to ourselves from time to time and we should all be able to do it without being judged.

Dear Mom on the IPhone,

I’m glad you finally had a moment to yourself.  I hope you thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Sincerely,

Noreen

It's Time to Begin

“So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back…”

“It's time to begin, isn't it?”

-Imagine Dragons

This is one of the songs I would listen to as I ran.  Music to me represents the soundtrack of our lives and at the beginning of the 60 day challenge, that is how I felt.  I felt like I was starting at the bottom. I feel differently now. I do feel like my soundtrack has changed to something else.  I don’t know what it is yet.   

So, the 60 day challenge is complete.  Here are my stats:

I lost:

.5 inches in my arms.

 1.25 inches in my chest (which I wouldn’t have minded if it stayed the same)

5 INCHES in my waist.  What?  My friend asked me if my pant size changed.  It didn’t.  BUT, they fit more easily now.  The muffin top is more like a fat-free muffin instead of a high calorie chocolate chip muffin from Dunkin Donuts.  We are getting somewhere…

2.5 inches in my child-bearing hips

…and then my thighs and calves stayed the same. 

I would consider this success.  I was extremely nervous to get measured at the end of the challenge because it was fresh off the footsteps of my vacay, but I was extremely satisfied with the outcome.  More though is how I feel.  I do have more energy and I feel stronger at class.  What I love about The Bar Method is that you don’t think of anything else when you are in class.  You think about your body, squared shoulders, flat back, tucked rear, and not “bailing” as they say.  I don’t have time to think about the kids or my list of things to do.  I think about nothing else except what I am doing in that moment.  THAT, is success enough for me.  Bar is like a vacation every time, but it is a vacation from life with mind, body control as the flight.  And the flight continues well after class ends. 

But, the real key to achievement is “the want.”  Actually wanting to do it is what gets results.  And the truth is that you can’t fake it either.  Sometimes that happens when you hit rock bottom.  You pick yourself up from the cold, hard floor, say to yourself that it’s time, and build yourself up slowly, just like the lyrics to the song.  The reward is more than a medal or a trophy.  The reward is you!  I did it for myself; to get a break from the daily grind, to get in shape and to find something to stick to.  It’s not over but I am not starting at the beginning anymore.  A stronger person is emerging both physically and mentally.  A new me.  I’ll take her; she seems to like to run more with her kids now.    

It’s been a cold winter.  It feels like one of the longest winters ever.  But, the spring is coming.  And even though it is snowing outside my window right now, I know the days will be brighter and longer soon.  And we all will be smiling big bright smiles with the sun shining on our faces.   

*Congratulations to Christina Palmieri for winning the 60 day challenge.  She worked hard and deserved the reward.  She was dedicated to The Bar Method and has become an inspiration to many.  I know she is smiling bright today!*

Beyond Ordinary

Two of my friends just gave birth to baby girls a couple of days apart.  This is all happening as I’m saying to my girls, “No roughhousing in the tub.”  My friend was in labor last night and I’m saying the word, “Roughhousing.”  They are starting at the beginning and I am knee deep in ‘roughhousing’ children.  I am not even sure if people still use this word but it floated out of my mouth as easy as “playdate,” (something else I never thought I’d say).  As these words pass my lips, the girl that walked into college orientation with short white shorts officially disappears, for good.  Someone else entirely emerges with a stern voice and gray hairs. (Well, maybe not gray hairs…I highlight).  Anyway, despite bath time craziness, I am thinking about how amazing it all is; childbirth; friends having babies, etc.  I think about 19 months ago when my second baby girl arrived and almost 4 years since my first. Then I think about how far away I am from all that.  We are getting to a place that feels normal; something my husband and I are soaking up and enjoying; being out of the baby stage.

I say this because my husband and I recently got home from a 5 day vacation in Antigua.  It was well-needed.  The first day, we literally didn’t stop blabbing all day long, in the crystal blue water jumping waves, at dinner on the water, and sitting on the beach on chaise lounges.  BLABBING!  We caught up.  We also put our business arrangement to the side.  I say the statement ‘business arrangement’ because sometimes that is what it feels like.  “You take her to the store, while I take the other one to pick up ____ (fill in blank).  “You do bath tonight and I’ll do it tomorrow.”  “Can you take out the garbage?”  “Did you see that crusty pan in the sink?  Yours.”  Etc.  It feels like a business arrangement sometimes or that we are passing ships in the night.  He comes home with tired eyes and walks in the room to see my arm draped across my forehead, sprawled out on the couch.  Done.  (Exaggerated for point).  He takes one to bed and I take the other (the easier one) and then come downstairs and then pull the blanket up to my ears.  So anyway, this trip was all about checking in, reconnecting, holding hands, talking, and remembering where it all began.  We talked about the old days as well as the new ones.  We talked about before we were parents and after.  It is something every couple should do from time to time.  Check in. 

When we got home, I couldn’t wait to hear the news from my 2 girlfriends who were having baby girls.  I wanted to know every detail.  I can imagine every moment and feeling.  And although my husband and I were so far away from it, both literally and figuratively, I still felt an unimaginable amount of joy and hope for my friends, as if it was my own...so close to home.  The feeling of meeting your new child is a feeling that never ceases to amaze.  And it makes me think about them constantly, even now.  The baby stage is hard but it is also a blur.  Soon enough, their children will be ‘roughhousing’ in the tub.  Pretty soon, they will be where we are, checking in with their spouses after months and months of long, hard days.   I’ve known one of my friends since 7th grade and the other I met as a mom but I love them just the same.  We are ordinary women, mothers.  We haven’t won Oscars or Emmy’s.  We haven’t starred in any reality show down the shore or anywhere else.  But, when I think about how much we have been through, where we have come from, and where we may go, life to me seems beyond ordinary, it feels extraordinary. 

 

Safe to Leave?

Can we talk about the fact that my 19 month old will cry every time I leave the room?  It is bordering on the exhausting level.  I remember when my 3 ½ year old was that age and I left.  She would just blankly watch the car drive away.  I feel like I would wave and blow kisses hoping in the back of my mind that she would shed some tears over her leaving mama.  Anything?  Nope.  She would just watch me leave with neutral expression until the car drove away and out of sight.  Bye?! She was an independent type even from that age, from birth actually.  And now, if I tell her I’m going to run some errands, she wants to know exactly where I’m going.  She will listen, nod her head and then say, “Ok, Mom...See you later,” and run away with a hop and a skip.  La Dee da…

It was always so easy to leave.

Today I told her that daddy and I were going on vacation and I was going to miss her sooo much.  “It’s ok Mommy, you’ll be fine.  I’ll make you a card.”  What a girl; she is a sweet independent little girl who will even look after me.  When she was a baby, I would say to my mom, “She doesn’t even notice if I’m gone.”  “Of course she does,” my mom would respond.  “You are her mommy.”  But, the truth was that she was pretty content when I left.  My mom told me that she was just “getting by,” but I knew better.  She was perfectly fine.  You know what, looking back now, I realize how much of a blessing that was and is.  You know why, I see the other side of it. 

Enter my little one.  Door slams!—(for effect)

When I was pregnant with my second, I said to my mom, “this one is mine.”  Haha!  My first child was everyone’s first child.  Everyone held her.  She was passed around and around and around.  She cooed and smiled for everyone.  So, I wanted to keep this one a little closer to me, MAMA!  I wouldn’t mind if she shed a few tears when I left.  You know, every mother wants to feel wanted.  So now when I leave the room and she runs to the door as she cries, “MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA,” my dad says to me, “you wanted it, you got it.”  BLARGH?!

The good news is that my 3 ½ year old has taken on the big sister role well.  If I know I’m dropping them somewhere I will discuss it on the car ride over.  I’ll say to the big sister that she has to take care of the little one.  I tell her that her sister might cry and that she has to do her best to make her feel better.  And then I’ll say to the little one, “Mama is going to drop you off but I’ll be back so you have to try and be a big girl.”  The stiff upper lip comes out, the lip quivers and it breaks my heart.  But, she tries, for about a millisecond.  When I dropped them off at my gym class on Wednesday and was leaving the room I caught a glimpse of my 3 ½ year old rubbing my 1 ½ year olds back trying to soothe her as she cried and I just about collapsed to the ground, shot through the heart with love and affection.  Bong.!

My little one, she snuggles me, wants to be held, and gets upset when I leave.  You know what; there is nothing wrong with that at all.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone who wants me around this much!  I like it.  I’ll admit, it gets annoying when I want to go somewhere and I know it’s going to be a process but at the same time, they are only little once. My 3 ½ year old makes me prouder than I ever imagined and my little one wraps herself around me like a monkey. I know one day I’ll look back as they are breezing through the door to go out with friends, how much I will miss this.