The Invisible Line

We used to live in a different world.  Back when I was young, if I got a bad grade, my parents would look at me and say, “What happened? Why did you get a bad grade” Now, as I hear from a lot of my teacher friends, if a student gets a bad grade, the parents call the teachers and say, “What happened?  Why did my child get a bad grade?”  The answer is plain and simple; in both cases the student didn’t do the work.  But now, who’s responsible?  In a new world filled with attachment parenting and coddling with a lack of punishment and repercussions, I want to make sure that my girls don’t grow up a certain way, with one word in mind, Entitled.

When to say when

If my daughter wants a hamburger for breakfast, I say no.  Seems simple enough.  It isn’t a breakfast food and so it doesn’t make sense to me.  On that note, I spent the day with one of my best friends last weekend and her mother and I asked my friend’s mother what she would do if her 3 year old daughter asked for a hamburger for breakfast.  “I would give it to her,” she said.  Hmmm.  That’s interesting.  “Why?”  I needed to soak in all of this new information.  “Because she doesn’t know what time of day it is.  It has nutritional value and if she eats that instead of a waffle, at least she is eating.”  She went on to say something pretty strong and it had a profound effect on me.  She said, “Save your insistence for things that really matter.”  Like what?  “Like…running in the street, playing with scissors, hanging from chandeliers….”

Ok.  Here’s the thing.  Having a hamburger for breakfast is on my “matters” list.  I just can’t.  If I say yes to a hamburger, will she expect a cupcake for lunch?  And then, what if she expects that balloon at CVS every time we go because I am saving my insistence for the BIG things?   What’s the line?  Where do I draw it?  Ok, yes to hamburger, yes to balloon, yes to a later bedtime?  When can we say no?  Never??!  My point is, if you save your insistence for the things that really matter, the BIG things, what will everything else become?  A Yes?!!!  Will she expect it all?  Will she become entitled?  Will she blame her bad grade on the teacher? 

Giving up control

I of course, am an extreme analyzer so forgive me.  I know what my friend’s mom is thinking, “I didn’t say yes to everything!”  I know. But, she raised 4 beautiful children so I’m just trying to figure out the secret to parenting.  I’m also trying to find the invisible line.  The thing is I am a little too strict with my 3 year old right now.  I’m trying to set boundaries and show her who is in charge.  I want to make sure she respects her parents and understands that you cannot get everything you want in this world.  If you do, you will end up thinking your s&it don’t stink…and it does child.  It really stinks!  All of our s%it stinks. 

So anyway, I repeated this new mantra to myself.  “Save your insistence for things that really matter.”  I needed to let it sink into my brain for another second.  Because, as I have realized, the hardest thing we have to do as parents is, give up control.  It happens early but with little things and then eventually disappears and our children are adults and running their own lives.  But, we do have to start early.  I have to start now.  For example, the other day when I asked my daughter to get dressed and she said “NO!” I said, “Ok, let me know when you are ready to get dressed,” instead of insisting we get dressed when I say it’s time.  If she spends the morning in her pj’s, so be it.  She did.  It was ok with me.  I then said that she should use the potty before we go downstairs.  “I don’t have to go.”  Ok, she just held it in all night long and it is now 10:00 am and she still didn’t go, but ok.  Whatever.  I won’t press.  She went when we went downstairs and she got dressed10 minutes before we had to leave for school at 12:15.  But, she ate her breakfast all up.  I insisted.  And she didn’t cause a stink about it because she controlled another part of her life and I let her. 

The Line

The line is safely tucked in between ‘giving up control’ and ‘when to say when.’  You can see it with a magnified glass held close to your right eye with the correct luminosity.  It’s hard to find.  But, it is there.  It is somewhere between a hamburger and getting dressed for school.  It is somewhere between a CVS balloon and understanding that you cannot get everything you want in life.  It is there and we have to decide what is worth a yes and what we need to insist is not.    

For me, I will learn to give up a little control and let my 3 year old daughter enjoy some.  But, she will learn how to hear the word no and often. She will not have a hamburger for breakfast.  And when she gets a bad grade in school, I will look her directly in the eye and say, “What happened?  Next time you will study harder.”  And she will.  At least I hope she will.