Trust

My oldest daughter is starting Kindergarten next week.  We are entering a new era, joining the public school, starting the beginning of growing up.  We will start to get further and further away from dress up and dolls.  We will start to have homework and sit down at the table with a pencil and pen instead of a crayon.  We will have longer days at school, lunch away from home, and packed schedules.  We won’t get to wake up and lay in bed together until 10 am, nor will we get to have lazy days playing hair salon.  We won’t have as much time for play dates with friends outside of our classroom. 

We won’t but then we will.  What we will have, is so much more than we could ever realize.  We will have it together. 

We will have more grown up talks.  I will get to hear more detailed stories about her day.  There will be letters and poems.  She will start to comprehend a better understanding of feelings and of self.  Our connection will blossom into a more mature mother-daughter relationship.

It all starts with kindergarten.  Our first step.

I don’t know what to tell her next week before school.  Be yourself.  Be kind.  Be brave. Make friends.  Have manners.  Listen to your teacher.  Respect your classmates.  Share.  Smile.  Learn.  Be happy.

And then what do I tell myself?

The same things?  Be strong.  Be brave.  Be the rock.  We will get through this. 

I’m a pretty easy going person.  But, one thing I do know is that, kindergarten is a big step.  It is a new step.  We are both going into unchartered territories.  We will both have to enter blindly; there will be new people, a bigger school, new faces, and a new understanding of what is expected of us.

 We will do it together.

The change of season is about renewal.  From summer to fall, the air gets chilled but our hearts get warmer because we are sending our children off to school for others to make sure they are well taken care of and for them to grow. 

One thing we must have is trust.  We have to trust our children to make good decisions.  We have to trust them to carry out everything we have taught them over the years.  We have to trust ourselves, we haven’t been perfect but we have done the right things for our children.  That will show.  We will hear their echoing voices down the hallway and know that they are voices of positivity and kindness, because we taught them that.  At least we tried to…every single day.  We haven’t been perfect because there is no such thing, but we have been perfect in our efforts and struggles.  We have strived to do what is best for them. 

And every day we will see it more and more.  (I just hope the yelling and pulling my hair out doesn’t translate over there)

Good luck getting your babies off to school next week.  We will all be nervous and excited together.  We will all be taking new steps.  Whether its first grade, fourth, high school, pre-k or kindergarten, trust in yourself.  Know that you have done your best and continue to do so.  And if you strive to do your best…so will they.

Understood

Why are Mom friends so important?

I know that I could not survive without them.  They all bring different things to the table but are the same in on thing; their imperfection.  That is what I fall in love with in Mom friends.  That is what I am drawn to.  It makes them human to me, and lovely.  When I see someone trying too hard to be the perfect mom or acting like it is the only thing that makes them tick, it makes me question if I want them in my life.  I don’t want a friend in my life who knows all the answers.  I want someone who doesn’t.  I want us to find out together.  Because after all, there is no ONE answer for anything when it comes to parenting.  Sometimes I think there isn’t an answer at all.  There is just a lot of trying and a lot of imperfection; there is a lot of hoping we are doing the right thing. 

I have always wanted real in my life.  I have always gravitated toward people who can be honest with themselves about the hardships of life, even if they are miniscule.  They are there, nonetheless, for everyone.  I don’t care if you have more money than Donald Trump.  I don’t care if you are a working mom or a stay at home.  I don’t care if you have a struggling marriage or one of perfection.  None of this matters to me.  What matters is being truthful in your journey; being honest in your journey.  And then, sharing that honesty with others in the same boat.  Those people, those moms, are the woman who help me get up in the morning.  They are the ones who I can text at 8:45 am and say, “I have already had the worst day.” And they are the ones who text me back and say, “I’m with you.” Or they text me back something funny and I laugh so hard through my tears. 

They make me feel understood.

Not that I have never felt understood in my life, but I think I feel most understood now.  I’m sure we have all been misunderstood at some point in our lives.  But, what we are now is so much different than what we were then.  Being a Mom changes everything.  In changes our minds, our souls, and our outlook on life.  I try to stay away from the drama of it.  Try.  Sometimes it is hard.  But as long as you surround yourself with the right people, it tends to stay at bay, because, the right people take care of each other.  They lift up. They don’t care if you are class mom.  They don’t care if you bake the best brownies or give the best gifts on Valentine’s Day.  They only care about you.  And when a parent dies or a friend is sick, they offer help.  They make meals.  They send groceries.  They genuinely care.  Is it hard to find supportive moms?  No.  Absolutely not.  It isn’t hard at all.  They surround us all with a wink and knowing smile.  They are at the grocery store.  They are in your gym class.  They are sitting at the pediatrician’s office.  They are in your playgroup or in your Mom’s club.  They are at the pool, at the beach, on Facebook, walking down the street.  They are all here to make you realize that you aren’t alone.  Give them a wink and a wave.  Give them a thumbs up.  Show them that they aren’t alone.  And the ones who are in your life, treasure them.

I celebrate my Mom friends.  I thank them.  I hope they know how much I love them.  I hope they know that I understand them. 

I hope you know that too.

You are understood.

The Schlep

Do you always feeling like you are schlepping somewhere? A bag on your arm, a puddle jumper under your arm pit, a chair hanging from your shoulder, and somehow you have to also hold the hands of your children as you cross the street and THEN you have to hold their pail because it is TOO HEAVY? What? And God forbid you don’t have the right amount of snacks in that full bag of gear?!!!

You know those golf cart looking things that people, (and by people, I mean parents) bring to the beach. For some reason, I was always so against them; like it was giving up. Let me roll myself onto the beach for some fun. You see them pushing these large contraptions onto the beach with all the gear hanging from every crevice of the cart. I always thought, why do they need so much stuff? Simplicity people!!!! Then, I became a parent. I don’t have one, but now I look at them longingly as I schlep all the STUFF. We truly need all that STUFF!

I know it isn’t just me. I know these things happen to everyone. I know it. I see it. I see the numerous bathroom breaks, the eye-rolls by the Moms, the snack begging, and the sunscreen fights at the pool/beach. I see it all. We all have to deal with these things. It is our certificate for summer parenting.

But the truth is this; life as a parent always consists of a lot of schlepping. Schlepping, packing up and rubbing. Like, are we always rubbing sunscreen on our kids? Is there an invention we can create to make this easier? Now we can’t even use the spray, god dang it. Inhaling chemicals from the spray sunscreen?? Did you see that article? You must have seen it. It went viral. Who said that; a person laughing behind their computer screen and watching all of us chase our kids around with white goop on our hands? He is laughing that evil laugh from the corner of the pool area, reading an article about the biggest myths in America and using his binoculars to watch us suffer, close up. Chemicals my butt! I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m not happy about it. Not happy at all. Well, I mean, now I spray it on my hand and rub. Hope that is ok.

Click here to read the article that went viral

So here we are, schlepping, rubbing, and feeding. Do your kids always want every single snack at the pool/beach? They won’t play; they will just sit at your feet and beg for snacks. And it is never good enough. You didn’t bring pretzels? How could you?! Do you ever just want to be like, “GO PLAY!!!!!?” Enough with the snacks and the tubes and the pool toys. Go swallow water or float on your back. Isn’t that what we did as kids?

But you know what, when you finally get there and put the bag down and open your chair, it is all worth it. And then sometimes they will surprise you and they will go play. They will play for 2 hours straight and you will put your face in the sun and soak it up. You will talk to your friends and watch them play and splash. And you know what; we earned it; because we do so much. We deserve to bask in the sun amidst all the paraphernalia. We deserve the easy moments too. Those are the moments you can take a minute and truly appreciate everything that you have and everything that you do. Those snippets of relaxation make it all worth it.

It’s life.

It isn’t always easy. It rarely is. But, we get through the hard things so that we may enjoy the trouble-free, undemanding, laid-back things. We all have to carry our baggage through the airport, but sometimes we land in paradise. There are those who have to commute hot and sweaty to work but get to buy themselves something that have always wanted from the sacrifice. Some of us have to carry along a big pregnant belly so that we may get to hold a piece of heaven. Our baggage gets us our stillness. Our schlepping brings us to peace. Our rubbing allows our children to safely splash in the sun. Our work allows us to enjoy some rewards.

Maybe it is a free 2 hours. Maybe it is a snuggle at the pool. Perhaps it is the biggest smile you have ever seen as they lick an ice pop. Maybe your daughter will sing you to sleep after a long day in the sun.

Whatever your reward is, enjoy it. Bask it in. You’ve earned it.

It isn’t always easy. But, it will ALWAYS be worthwhile.

Abandon Ship

Let me set the scene. My (almost) 3 year old daughter didn’t take a nap. We were on vacation out east with my in-laws. There were a lot of people over, some of them I have met before and some of them I have never met; my husband’s very warm and inviting family friends. It was about 3 pm, prime meltdown mode via no nap. It was at that time that a boat ride was decided. My older daughter didn’t want to go (thank goodness). I was determined to distract the little one right out of it, but it didn’t work. She had her Dora life jacket on and she was ready to go, determined to go. I really wanted someone to say that there wasn’t enough room for us, but there was. Of course there was. On the walk over, I knew. I just knew. This won’t go well.

Did you ever decide that mid-event/trip/excursion, that it was enough? That you couldn’t take another minute and so you ABORT the mission? It can happen anywhere, the park, the pool, the museum. All of the sudden, enough is enough. Even on the ride over, you know. You know it is a mistake. Someone won’t be able to take it. Someone is going to lose it. Maybe it will be you? Most likely, it will be them. So you decide at that MOMENT…”we are leaving.” Pack it up. It’s over. It could literally be 5 minutes into it but it doesn’t matter. You are done.

On a bright sunny Saturday, as a Mom, that was me. I got myself into a situation where I needed to ABORT. And so, I did what I had to do. I had to Abandon Ship.

At the beginning of the boat ride, she was fine. But then everyone started tubing and she wanted to go. She was too little, of course, and the tube was too small for two people and so I had to say no. Well, that was not on her little agenda. Her little 2 ½ year old mind could not possibly fathom this alternate scenario. She screamed and cried. I knew it was coming. I sensed it early on. The tubing and the fact that she wasn’t allowed to drive the boat, just exacerbated it. She didn’t stop and at that point, I needed to get off. I needed to get out. She was tantruming in a small, somewhat unsafe space. Everyone was having a blast, enjoying the sun, riding the tube, and I was trying to think of an escape plan. I finally told my father in law; we need to be dropped off. (Not to mention the fact that my husband had scheduled a dinner with clients and I had to be ready by 6 pm). It was 4:45.

I sat and talked to her in a quiet voice and she somewhat calmed down, but I knew another storm was brewing. One misstep and it could be set off.

And so, he stopped the boat about 30 feet from the shore. Brain overload. I guess I assumed we would be dropped off at the dock, but because everyone was still tubing, this seemed to be our only exit option. But I’m fully dressed, I thought. I didn’t have time to get into my bathing suit before the ride. My husband and a few other people were floating on rafts along the shore of the bay and I handed our little one over board to my husband. He passed her along. I, on the other hand, was fully clothed, still decked out in my 4th of July red and white striped dress with a full blue skirt. I had shoes on. My husband said to me, “step on the raft and I will pull you over to the beach.” Am I doing this? Do I really need to get off this boat that bad? The girl with me said, “I think you are.” Because of time constraints, I said, “I guess I am.” A fully clothed 30 something-year old woman, a raft, and 30 feet of bay to cover. How do you think it went?

I stepped on the raft, it deflated, and I went under. I started treading water like I was drowning and my father-in-law leaned over the side of the boat and said, “Noreen, you know you can stand.” Oh. I guess I don’t have to flail my arms around and gasp for breath. Ha! I walked through the water, tripped over a rock on the way, and then finally made it to shore, soaked and salty with seaweed literally hanging off my legs and arms. It’s ok. You can laugh. At that point…who cares, I was off. I took a shower and was ready by 5:45 (with time to spare).

We had a great night and rehashed the story a million times over, everyone laughing about it, me included. Of course you have to laugh at yourself. The things we do as Moms. What we will do to get out of something. The things we will do to avoid a meltdown in front of strangers. (Thank goodness they had a sense of humor). Realizing when the moment is over. Understanding yourself and your children enough to know when the trip/excursion/outing is done. Figuring out that it is time to get out with the least amount of casualties, saving ourselves and maybe a little bit of pride, a smidgen?! Knowing that sometimes they had enough, but sometimes it is us who has had enough. And when we find ourselves treading water in 3 ft., fully clothed with a 4th of July dress clinging to our every part, holding our shoes in each hand, we know that a Mom will always do what we have to do, to survive.

Switch Flip

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post that I never sent.  I had a really terrible, off week.  One of those “the world is ending” weeks; one of those, “I’m a terrible Mom” weeks.  

I wrote:

“Today is a day that I truly feel like I don’t have anything together.  Nothing is clicking for me.  Nobody is clicking with me.  I am missing my stride.  I know it is just a moment in time and everything will be back to normal in a few days.  I have so much to do and I can’t get anything done.  I miss school, desperately.  School is the equivalent of everything wonderful and happy for me.  I know they are learning something.  I know there is no TV involved, and in the end, it makes me a good parent.  I’m a good parent and all I did was drop them off. 

I’m currently between school and camp.  Now, I’m a mediocre parent.  Last week was a long rainy week and so I was a poor parent.  How on earth do I keep my kids entertained between the hours of 8 am and 7 pm with rain involved?  When the sun is out, it is definitely easier with the parks and swings.  When it is raining, it might as well be January and 20 degrees for all I care.”

I realized after I wrote it that it sounded so negative and pissy (for lack of a better word).  The truth is nobody wants to hear me rant.  We all have hard days.  So, I stopped myself and decided to turn it around and write Blink (posted last week).  After I wrote it, I felt much better.  I flipped a switch in my head.  I clicked it and I instantly felt better.  I decided to focus on how much my 2 young girls have changed my life for the better and how time flies and that we need to make these moments count.  I decided to make it count.  Sometimes, it is all about our perception.  Sometimes, it isn’t about what is actually happening but how we perceive it.  Our perception is our reality.  And then, how we react.

The truth is we have the ability to change our perception and create a new reality.  We are moms, yes.  We have hard days, yes.  School is over and we have to deal with changes, yes.  But, we have the ability to make it all count and see it all in a positive light.  I’m seeing it. 

My dad just said to me today, “your thoughts become your actions.”  We were talking about behavioral patterns.  This is something we have all heard in our lives.  It is the truth.  Behavioral patters start with our thoughts.  Our thoughts create our actions.  He took it from a quote by Lao Tzu.  He wrote: “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

If we have negative thoughts, we will in turn, act negatively.  If we continue on this path of negativity, we will become negative people.  If we think it, we will become it.   I know it sounds simple, but it is hard to do.  It has to be consistent.  We have to continuously keep our head above water and see the beauty of the day.   And on those rainy days, we have to try and find the sunshine within.  And if we think good thoughts, good things will happen.  Like yesterday when my kids played all day together without fighting.  They were working off me.  I know they were.  And I was smiling.  And so were they.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you find yourself barreling down a negative path, flip the switch.  Make a change.  Look at something positive.  We are all moms.  We are all in this together.  It isn’t always easy, that is for sure.  But, we are all playing the same game, trying to do it with the best intentions.  So, we keep going.  And if we can perceive our paths in the best light, I know we can make the best plays.  In the end, the people who will benefit the most from it are you and your family.

Have a happy, healthy and safe 4^th of July. 

Blink

When you close your eyes, can you picture yourself strutting to the bars in your 20’s, looking for Mr./Mrs Right. You declare, “I don’t need a man, “and dance until your legs give out with your arms thrown up in the air. I was the type that would pour beers on my head and allow others to pour it on mine; all in the name of fun. I would drink floaters on the way to the bathroom (College!!—I know gross). No rules.

Flash forward to when you do find the person. Bars don’t seem as appealing. Priorities change. Everyone gets full-time jobs and the idea of staying out until 3 am is a thing of the past. I would rather go to long dinners with good food and company; call it a night at say...around…11?! Does that seem fair? All of the sudden, you can’t wait to wake up early so you can have your cup of coffee and start your day.

And now, I sit here looking at my 2 beautiful, lovely girls with bright pink dresses on, French braids, and headbands; eating a snack. They are relaxing after a long day in the pool. My little one just took a stick of butter out of the refrigerator and took a bite out of it. Awesome. But truthfully, I wish for and want nothing more.

You know what happened, I blinked.

It is kind of crazy and scary that it all seemed to have happened in an instant. We get older, our parents get older, and then all of the sudden Jennifer Lopez is 44. I remember when she was dancing on “In Living Color,” just yesterday. This is how fast it all goes. It happens in an instant.

My oldest is turning 5. By the time you read this, she will have turned 5 already. For someone like me, who wasn’t sure I could even have a baby, this is amazing to me. But truthfully, it is amazing for every parent. To know that you put in all of your time and effort into raising these children, and here they are, having birthdays (thankfully) and growing up. Time is marching on. They are getting older and we are shaping them and at times, trying to keep our patience and keep them in line, and wait…keep ourselves completely sane (no easy task).

Thank goodness that she is amazing. She is so sweet and polite but at times sassy and resistant. She has the biggest, boldest imagination that I have ever seen. She loves sparkles, headbands, dresses and dolls. She has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She is the star of her beautiful life. I am so proud that she is my daughter. I hope I can help her be the person she is meant to be. I hope I can do her justice.

Because when I close my eyes, she is laying on my chest in the hospital, so small and sweet. I couldn’t believe she was mine, and I still can’t believe it.

After all, even though I blinked, I was able to see it all. If I close my eyes, I can see the dancing and the drinks, the laughter and the tears. I can see weddings and wakes, birthdays and baptisms. I can see the babies clearly; I can see the first steps, first words, and the firsts of many. I can see it all. And when my daughter blows out her candles, I will make a wish. I will wish to try and make it count. Because I know that I will blink again and this 5th birthday will be another beautiful memory to look back

The Starbucks Syndrome

My husband and I always shake our heads in disbelief when we pass Starbucks. Who are those people and how do they have the time to sit with a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in the middle of the day? We want to be them. Doesn’t that sound luxurious? Let’s go relax with a caramel macchiato in hand and a blueberry scone in the other. Or, let’s just meet at Starbucks and chat about nothing at all. I mean, it isn’t like you pass Starbucks and it is ever empty?! There is always someone there sitting at the table with their computer (working from home?) or with someone else at the table chatting it up (business meeting?). Or are people just pretending to be busy? Who knows…

The whole idea of Starbucks is to belong to something bigger than ourselves. The coffee is good but the idea of the coffee is better. It is the ritual. Sometimes ideas are actually better than the reality of it. I don’t drink coffee anymore so for me, the idea of iced green tea from Starbucks is definitely better than the actual drink. The Starbucks Syndrome. Parenting is a lot like that.

We have it in our heads, the way we think we should be, or the way we think we should parent but the reality is that we will never live up to the ideals, and that is ok. I don’t want to throw the TV on mid-day, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I need to. I know I should be creating a craft or being involved. But, I honestly need the down-time. So, I do it. It isn’t ideal. It is necessary. Oftentimes, we find out that we do things because they are necessary, because this is reality, and because we live in an imperfect world. Ideals are what we can strive for, but we don’t have to live up to them on a daily basis.

And I have to be ok with that.

We have ideas of the way we think things should go, birthday parties, trips to Disney, beach days, pool days, etc. They never go the way we think it will go. They will never be that cup of coffee with a newspaper on a Tuesday at 10 am.

This year, I have decided to scale down my daughter’s birthday party. I always did the big party at the big place. The truth is, I know my daughter and I know that she doesn’t need all that. She will be happy with cake, her family, and her best friend. That is enough for her. When I go above and beyond and try to perform the “ideal,” it is really never what she wants. The “ideal” falls flat for both of us. I want her happiness over the big party. It just isn’t her cup of tea. So, we will see how it goes. I feel guilty but that is on me. Scaling down is what she needs AND what I need right now in my life, for all of us. I’m setting the over the top ideals, aside.

Because what is it all really about? Nothing is going to ever be what we think it might be. It will never go as planned. It will never be the best of the best, the greatest day of all. And even if we get that cup of coffee on that Tuesday afternoon, it won’t be what we see when we drive by. When we drive by, what we don’t realize is that nothing is ever what it seems. Maybe the person sitting there is lonely or jobless. Maybe, if we get that moment, we will sit there and think to ourselves, this is nice, but you know what would be nicer?!

Or maybe we would wish we were home, with our family.