Abandon Ship

Let me set the scene. My (almost) 3 year old daughter didn’t take a nap. We were on vacation out east with my in-laws. There were a lot of people over, some of them I have met before and some of them I have never met; my husband’s very warm and inviting family friends. It was about 3 pm, prime meltdown mode via no nap. It was at that time that a boat ride was decided. My older daughter didn’t want to go (thank goodness). I was determined to distract the little one right out of it, but it didn’t work. She had her Dora life jacket on and she was ready to go, determined to go. I really wanted someone to say that there wasn’t enough room for us, but there was. Of course there was. On the walk over, I knew. I just knew. This won’t go well.

Did you ever decide that mid-event/trip/excursion, that it was enough? That you couldn’t take another minute and so you ABORT the mission? It can happen anywhere, the park, the pool, the museum. All of the sudden, enough is enough. Even on the ride over, you know. You know it is a mistake. Someone won’t be able to take it. Someone is going to lose it. Maybe it will be you? Most likely, it will be them. So you decide at that MOMENT…”we are leaving.” Pack it up. It’s over. It could literally be 5 minutes into it but it doesn’t matter. You are done.

On a bright sunny Saturday, as a Mom, that was me. I got myself into a situation where I needed to ABORT. And so, I did what I had to do. I had to Abandon Ship.

At the beginning of the boat ride, she was fine. But then everyone started tubing and she wanted to go. She was too little, of course, and the tube was too small for two people and so I had to say no. Well, that was not on her little agenda. Her little 2 ½ year old mind could not possibly fathom this alternate scenario. She screamed and cried. I knew it was coming. I sensed it early on. The tubing and the fact that she wasn’t allowed to drive the boat, just exacerbated it. She didn’t stop and at that point, I needed to get off. I needed to get out. She was tantruming in a small, somewhat unsafe space. Everyone was having a blast, enjoying the sun, riding the tube, and I was trying to think of an escape plan. I finally told my father in law; we need to be dropped off. (Not to mention the fact that my husband had scheduled a dinner with clients and I had to be ready by 6 pm). It was 4:45.

I sat and talked to her in a quiet voice and she somewhat calmed down, but I knew another storm was brewing. One misstep and it could be set off.

And so, he stopped the boat about 30 feet from the shore. Brain overload. I guess I assumed we would be dropped off at the dock, but because everyone was still tubing, this seemed to be our only exit option. But I’m fully dressed, I thought. I didn’t have time to get into my bathing suit before the ride. My husband and a few other people were floating on rafts along the shore of the bay and I handed our little one over board to my husband. He passed her along. I, on the other hand, was fully clothed, still decked out in my 4th of July red and white striped dress with a full blue skirt. I had shoes on. My husband said to me, “step on the raft and I will pull you over to the beach.” Am I doing this? Do I really need to get off this boat that bad? The girl with me said, “I think you are.” Because of time constraints, I said, “I guess I am.” A fully clothed 30 something-year old woman, a raft, and 30 feet of bay to cover. How do you think it went?

I stepped on the raft, it deflated, and I went under. I started treading water like I was drowning and my father-in-law leaned over the side of the boat and said, “Noreen, you know you can stand.” Oh. I guess I don’t have to flail my arms around and gasp for breath. Ha! I walked through the water, tripped over a rock on the way, and then finally made it to shore, soaked and salty with seaweed literally hanging off my legs and arms. It’s ok. You can laugh. At that point…who cares, I was off. I took a shower and was ready by 5:45 (with time to spare).

We had a great night and rehashed the story a million times over, everyone laughing about it, me included. Of course you have to laugh at yourself. The things we do as Moms. What we will do to get out of something. The things we will do to avoid a meltdown in front of strangers. (Thank goodness they had a sense of humor). Realizing when the moment is over. Understanding yourself and your children enough to know when the trip/excursion/outing is done. Figuring out that it is time to get out with the least amount of casualties, saving ourselves and maybe a little bit of pride, a smidgen?! Knowing that sometimes they had enough, but sometimes it is us who has had enough. And when we find ourselves treading water in 3 ft., fully clothed with a 4th of July dress clinging to our every part, holding our shoes in each hand, we know that a Mom will always do what we have to do, to survive.

Switch Flip

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post that I never sent.  I had a really terrible, off week.  One of those “the world is ending” weeks; one of those, “I’m a terrible Mom” weeks.  

I wrote:

“Today is a day that I truly feel like I don’t have anything together.  Nothing is clicking for me.  Nobody is clicking with me.  I am missing my stride.  I know it is just a moment in time and everything will be back to normal in a few days.  I have so much to do and I can’t get anything done.  I miss school, desperately.  School is the equivalent of everything wonderful and happy for me.  I know they are learning something.  I know there is no TV involved, and in the end, it makes me a good parent.  I’m a good parent and all I did was drop them off. 

I’m currently between school and camp.  Now, I’m a mediocre parent.  Last week was a long rainy week and so I was a poor parent.  How on earth do I keep my kids entertained between the hours of 8 am and 7 pm with rain involved?  When the sun is out, it is definitely easier with the parks and swings.  When it is raining, it might as well be January and 20 degrees for all I care.”

I realized after I wrote it that it sounded so negative and pissy (for lack of a better word).  The truth is nobody wants to hear me rant.  We all have hard days.  So, I stopped myself and decided to turn it around and write Blink (posted last week).  After I wrote it, I felt much better.  I flipped a switch in my head.  I clicked it and I instantly felt better.  I decided to focus on how much my 2 young girls have changed my life for the better and how time flies and that we need to make these moments count.  I decided to make it count.  Sometimes, it is all about our perception.  Sometimes, it isn’t about what is actually happening but how we perceive it.  Our perception is our reality.  And then, how we react.

The truth is we have the ability to change our perception and create a new reality.  We are moms, yes.  We have hard days, yes.  School is over and we have to deal with changes, yes.  But, we have the ability to make it all count and see it all in a positive light.  I’m seeing it. 

My dad just said to me today, “your thoughts become your actions.”  We were talking about behavioral patterns.  This is something we have all heard in our lives.  It is the truth.  Behavioral patters start with our thoughts.  Our thoughts create our actions.  He took it from a quote by Lao Tzu.  He wrote: “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

If we have negative thoughts, we will in turn, act negatively.  If we continue on this path of negativity, we will become negative people.  If we think it, we will become it.   I know it sounds simple, but it is hard to do.  It has to be consistent.  We have to continuously keep our head above water and see the beauty of the day.   And on those rainy days, we have to try and find the sunshine within.  And if we think good thoughts, good things will happen.  Like yesterday when my kids played all day together without fighting.  They were working off me.  I know they were.  And I was smiling.  And so were they.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you find yourself barreling down a negative path, flip the switch.  Make a change.  Look at something positive.  We are all moms.  We are all in this together.  It isn’t always easy, that is for sure.  But, we are all playing the same game, trying to do it with the best intentions.  So, we keep going.  And if we can perceive our paths in the best light, I know we can make the best plays.  In the end, the people who will benefit the most from it are you and your family.

Have a happy, healthy and safe 4^th of July. 

Blink

When you close your eyes, can you picture yourself strutting to the bars in your 20’s, looking for Mr./Mrs Right. You declare, “I don’t need a man, “and dance until your legs give out with your arms thrown up in the air. I was the type that would pour beers on my head and allow others to pour it on mine; all in the name of fun. I would drink floaters on the way to the bathroom (College!!—I know gross). No rules.

Flash forward to when you do find the person. Bars don’t seem as appealing. Priorities change. Everyone gets full-time jobs and the idea of staying out until 3 am is a thing of the past. I would rather go to long dinners with good food and company; call it a night at say...around…11?! Does that seem fair? All of the sudden, you can’t wait to wake up early so you can have your cup of coffee and start your day.

And now, I sit here looking at my 2 beautiful, lovely girls with bright pink dresses on, French braids, and headbands; eating a snack. They are relaxing after a long day in the pool. My little one just took a stick of butter out of the refrigerator and took a bite out of it. Awesome. But truthfully, I wish for and want nothing more.

You know what happened, I blinked.

It is kind of crazy and scary that it all seemed to have happened in an instant. We get older, our parents get older, and then all of the sudden Jennifer Lopez is 44. I remember when she was dancing on “In Living Color,” just yesterday. This is how fast it all goes. It happens in an instant.

My oldest is turning 5. By the time you read this, she will have turned 5 already. For someone like me, who wasn’t sure I could even have a baby, this is amazing to me. But truthfully, it is amazing for every parent. To know that you put in all of your time and effort into raising these children, and here they are, having birthdays (thankfully) and growing up. Time is marching on. They are getting older and we are shaping them and at times, trying to keep our patience and keep them in line, and wait…keep ourselves completely sane (no easy task).

Thank goodness that she is amazing. She is so sweet and polite but at times sassy and resistant. She has the biggest, boldest imagination that I have ever seen. She loves sparkles, headbands, dresses and dolls. She has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She is the star of her beautiful life. I am so proud that she is my daughter. I hope I can help her be the person she is meant to be. I hope I can do her justice.

Because when I close my eyes, she is laying on my chest in the hospital, so small and sweet. I couldn’t believe she was mine, and I still can’t believe it.

After all, even though I blinked, I was able to see it all. If I close my eyes, I can see the dancing and the drinks, the laughter and the tears. I can see weddings and wakes, birthdays and baptisms. I can see the babies clearly; I can see the first steps, first words, and the firsts of many. I can see it all. And when my daughter blows out her candles, I will make a wish. I will wish to try and make it count. Because I know that I will blink again and this 5th birthday will be another beautiful memory to look back

The Starbucks Syndrome

My husband and I always shake our heads in disbelief when we pass Starbucks. Who are those people and how do they have the time to sit with a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in the middle of the day? We want to be them. Doesn’t that sound luxurious? Let’s go relax with a caramel macchiato in hand and a blueberry scone in the other. Or, let’s just meet at Starbucks and chat about nothing at all. I mean, it isn’t like you pass Starbucks and it is ever empty?! There is always someone there sitting at the table with their computer (working from home?) or with someone else at the table chatting it up (business meeting?). Or are people just pretending to be busy? Who knows…

The whole idea of Starbucks is to belong to something bigger than ourselves. The coffee is good but the idea of the coffee is better. It is the ritual. Sometimes ideas are actually better than the reality of it. I don’t drink coffee anymore so for me, the idea of iced green tea from Starbucks is definitely better than the actual drink. The Starbucks Syndrome. Parenting is a lot like that.

We have it in our heads, the way we think we should be, or the way we think we should parent but the reality is that we will never live up to the ideals, and that is ok. I don’t want to throw the TV on mid-day, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I need to. I know I should be creating a craft or being involved. But, I honestly need the down-time. So, I do it. It isn’t ideal. It is necessary. Oftentimes, we find out that we do things because they are necessary, because this is reality, and because we live in an imperfect world. Ideals are what we can strive for, but we don’t have to live up to them on a daily basis.

And I have to be ok with that.

We have ideas of the way we think things should go, birthday parties, trips to Disney, beach days, pool days, etc. They never go the way we think it will go. They will never be that cup of coffee with a newspaper on a Tuesday at 10 am.

This year, I have decided to scale down my daughter’s birthday party. I always did the big party at the big place. The truth is, I know my daughter and I know that she doesn’t need all that. She will be happy with cake, her family, and her best friend. That is enough for her. When I go above and beyond and try to perform the “ideal,” it is really never what she wants. The “ideal” falls flat for both of us. I want her happiness over the big party. It just isn’t her cup of tea. So, we will see how it goes. I feel guilty but that is on me. Scaling down is what she needs AND what I need right now in my life, for all of us. I’m setting the over the top ideals, aside.

Because what is it all really about? Nothing is going to ever be what we think it might be. It will never go as planned. It will never be the best of the best, the greatest day of all. And even if we get that cup of coffee on that Tuesday afternoon, it won’t be what we see when we drive by. When we drive by, what we don’t realize is that nothing is ever what it seems. Maybe the person sitting there is lonely or jobless. Maybe, if we get that moment, we will sit there and think to ourselves, this is nice, but you know what would be nicer?!

Or maybe we would wish we were home, with our family.

Showing Up

When I look back, I see my husband holding up our 4 week old baby and her pooping everywhere, on his arms, on his shirt, and all over the bassinette. I remember laughing so hard through sleep-deprived tears and thinking, it is official. He’s a dad.

I remember watching him run down the street toward me, pushing the stroller with a screaming baby inside, wondering what to do?! Take her out, I thought. “It never goes as planned,” I told him.

And it doesn’t. But, you know what, he continues to show up with a smile and do the work.

Now, I see him turn off his alarm at 4:45 am and get out of bed. He puts in long days and then gets home and puts his kids to bed, our kids. He spends time reading books and giving baths. He is so tired but he knows this is his only time with his kids, so he works through his sleepy eyes and shows up for them with a smile, every day. He shows up for me. He shows up for them. He always shows up and he always does the work. He always chooses us. To me, that is a real dad; someone who continues to do the work even when he is tired, when he works hard, when he doesn’t have a minute to himself. My husband; he shows up. He is a phenomenal father. He is a happy father who spends time teaching his girls. I think he learned from the best, his dad.

I think about all the dads out there…

I see a dad at a barbeque with his 3 kids while his wife works on her final project for school. He changes diapers, cuts up food, and makes sure everyone is well- taken care of every step of the way. I see him at the town pool the next day, following his 1 year old daughter around the pool, while watching his 3 and 5 year old children. I get a warm feeling inside, seeing a man who truly does man up.

I see a grandpa holding his granddaughters, one in each arm. He never sits down. If they want him, he puts down whatever he is doing to play with them. He tickles and hugs. He spins and dances. He puts in the time, tenfold…to all of us. My dad, an extraordinary dad and grandpa.

I see a random dad on a random day running around the playground, chasing his children. They are laughing and squealing at the top of their lungs. So much fun. I think to myself, that is what dads are for. They are so good at playing, chasing, and making their kids belly laugh, that special belly laugh. Sometimes I believe it is reserved just for their dads.

These dads: the dads that man up, show up, make their kids laugh, read with them, play with them, provide for their family, take the time, do the work; they deserve to be recognized. There is nobody more generous than them.

Let us not forget that.

Happy Father’s Day to all the extraordinary dads out there who show up and do the work with a smile. We love you. Thank you!

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.”

~Author Unknown

The Selfie

The Selfie: How do we teach our children to treat their “self” with worth and love, but without self-entitlement and ego?   And to what end does a selfie conspire to create, advance, embellish or improve one’s self worth?

My husband, who isn’t on facebook, instagram, or twitter, made me laugh so hard the other day.  He was like, “I don’t get the selfie.  So people turn their phone around and take a picture of their face and then put it online?  Without the Eiffel Tower behind them?”  I couldn’t stop laughing.  He is so against the selfie.  I guess he is old school that way, if you can be in your 30’s, old school that is.  I responded, “This is what people do now.  Do you want me to send you a selfie of me tomorrow…with the background being my pots and pans cupboard?”  Because that is where we are at.

He was like, “no thanks.”  I laughed again. 

Look, I am not against the selfie.  I will never take a selfie of just me and upload it anywhere online.  I’ll always throw a kid in there or a friend or 2.  More power to the people who can, I just can’t.  I’ll take a selfie if I just got my makeup done and send it to my friend with the caption, “I look like a clown.”  This did happen.  But truthfully, the selfie represents something more in our world, changes.  Shifts.  Our world, us, our youth; we are all changing.  Do I sound like an over the hill weirdo?  What has happened to our youth?  But truthfully, is the weakness of the youth now nothing more than a tortured fragility of narcissistic survival? What is it in a selfie that makes one happy? Is it the image? Is it the idea of the image? Or the drive to produce “Likes?” Or the constant feedback loop of self-indulgence? I am at a loss to understand.  And the scary thing about it is; what if they don’t get those “likes,” they so need? Does it cause depression? Is that what might be driving up the teen suicide rates or the homicidal behavior?  I don’t know.  It all stems from the morphing values of our society; they are less important, more trivial.  And those things can be captured with one image, one snap, one flash; the selfie.  Click.

1.    self

self; plural noun:

A person's essential being that distinguishes them from others,

synonyms:

ego, I, oneself, persona, person, identity, character, personality, psyche, soul, spirit, mind, (inner) being

I thought it was interesting that the first synonym of the word “self” is “ego.”  We all have egos, yes?  We all don’t want to fall behind.  We all want to be a part of something.  We all want to show our best selves.  Social media gives us that option.  But there is a point when all of this stuff becomes disingenuous; when moments become less real and more for show.  We don’t want that.  I saw 3 young girls at the movie theater putting their heads together to take a selfie before the movie started.  They spent the next 5 minutes uploading the picture and waiting for responses.  They all stared at their phones and didn’t talk to each other.  As I said before, to me, the whole scene looked disingenuous.   Fake.  Phony.  All for show.

I am not trying to take anything away from anyone.  I’m just trying to think about things as a whole.  I’m thinking about my children too.  I’m thinking of all the young children.  How we can steer our children the right way, away from the self-indulgent society we live in now.  It shouldn’t all be about us, me.  It should be about something more than that.  I’m not saying we need to live for others.  Of course, we have to live for ourselves and grow ourselves, absolutely.  I’m growing every day and trying to learn from mistakes, etc.  But, I am trying to do it in a genuine way.  Trying!  I don’t think I’ll take a selfie and say, “Look at me learning from my mistakes.”  Cheese!  Click.  Upload.  Wait.

But, I guess we need to teach our children to think outside themselves.  How?  By leading the way.  I don’t know; by steering them away from things like the selfie, the check-ins, the waiting for validation.  “A person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others,” should be shown in ways that actually distinguishes from others.  That is one’s self.  Make a real impact.  That should be shared and valued.  And I’m telling you, I know it can’t be shown by a selfie on a random Tuesday that was taken 25 times to get it right.  Pictures should capture essence; a family photo; a little girl giving someone a flower; a husband and wife on their anniversary; real genuine laughter; a mother holding her son.  Moments captured.  Those are pictures to be shared and valued as well.

Let’s think outside of ourselves.  Let us influence others through the way we live everyday not in what we show in an uploaded instant.  Let us make our “self” better by doing more for others.  Maybe it is time to get away from the useless self-indulgent "wants" and look at the real "needs" of the present. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to look within oneself rather than of your exterior smiling selfie looking back at you.

A special thanks to my dad and husband for helping me get my thoughts clear about the “selfie.”

The Space Between

“The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more”

-Dave Matthews Band

We met our friends at the boardwalk on Saturday where there were a ton of kiddie rides.  It was crowded and I think my kids were a tad bit over stimulated.  If you were looking at a slideshow, you would see some happy moments and smiles but some extreme moments as well.  You would see the moment on the motorcycle ride when my 4 year old cried hysterically because she was scared.  They had to stop the ride right smack in the middle of it.  You would see me chasing my 2 year old down the boardwalk, making deals for her to come back and join the group.  You would see all those moments as a parent where we have to keep our eye on our children, how we cannot have a normal conversation because we are always making sure, checking out the scene, holding hands, helping on and off rides, being a parent.  You would see my husband having a long talk with my 4 year old trying to convince her to have fun.  You know what, sometimes the big bright lights and fancy rides aren’t what they want or need.  I’m realizing this.

We went to the beach afterward and sat down while our kids played in the sand and ran from the waves.  They were quiet and peaceful and in turn, so were we.  They shoveled the sand with their little shovel and pail.  They collected sea shells.  They didn’t need anything elaborate; the extravagant rides or the fast-paced movement.  But, they wouldn’t be happy sitting home either.  They needed somewhere in the space between.  They needed nice, slow-moving, outdoor moments in the sun and with their family and friends.  I feel like I have to remind myself of this.  Sometimes they don’t need anything amazing or out of control, they just need amazing moments of peace and family.  They just want me to sit and dig a hole with them.  Or stand and hold their hands while we put our feet in the water.   They don’t need much.  What they need is somewhere in the space between the elaborate and the basic. 

Do we put pressure on ourselves to make things amazing for them?  Absolutely.  We think we need to go above and beyond to make them happy.  But, we don’t.  We don’t need to bring the bright lights and fancy plans.  We just need to bring ourselves.  We are creating memories.  I feel like I know what they will remember.  They won’t remember the big things, those big moments that we think.  They will remember the everyday ones in the space between holidays and big parties, boardwalk rides and sitting on the couch.  They won’t remember the grand old things; they will remember the everyday things and people who put stamps on their lives and hearts.  As parents, I think we have to remember this.  I know I do.ill remember the everyday things.  As parents, I think we have to remember this.  Set up

Life is crazy.  Social media is crazy too.  It makes us think we have to do more for our kids than the next person.  It makes us think that we aren’t bringing them to the biggest/best place on earth, than we aren’t doing enough.  But, we are.  We know our children.  We know what they need.  And we know that they don’t need all the big plans.  They need us.  They need simplicity.  This summer, I want to remember to give this to them. 

After the beach, we had a nice dinner outside with our family and the girls swung a golf club around in the backyard and threw grass at each other.  They picked flowers and collected rocks and gave them to the people they love so much.  We pretended the rocks were diamonds and wrapped up the flowers in leaves to make mini bouquets.  Oh my goodness, they loved it.  This is what I am talking about.  This is what they need; this is what we need as parents.  Simple moments wrapped in big love.

There are so many extremes in our life.  Highs and lows; hard times, difficult months, illnesses, etc., but I hope where you find yourself is somewhere in between; in the middle, in the simple, in the uncomplicated, in the honest, in the hopeful, in the happy…

In the space between …

 “The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time”

-Dave Matthews Band