The sounds of our lives

We lay in bed.  Both spent from the day.  Arms draped over our heads.  And someone says it.  Someone dares to say it out loud.  It echoes in the dark room, in our heads.  “Where is the baby’s monitor?”  It is ALWAYS downstairs.  And someone ALWAYS has to get it.  Every night.  You would think we would learn.  You would think we would bring the thing upstairs when we go off to bed.  But, no…we ALWAYS forget to. 

Almost like the recycling.  “Is tomorrow recycles?”  Another Tuesday night banter sesh…

And then he gets up and trudges downstairs.  Trudge, trudge, trudge.  I hear the door open and close.  The wheels of the recycling can grumbling along the driveway.  A far off noise of unrest. 

Yes, tomorrow is plastics.  Yes, of course it is.  Of course it is borough wide recycling tomorrow.  I get up and sneak a glance at all the cans lined along the curbs.  Why is ours always last?

I’m watching those mannequin challenges online and I’m laughing because we have played this game for years.  You know, the baby cries and everyone stays as still as can be.  Mannequin-like.  We OWN that game.  Who will be the one to break the stillness?  The one eye is open.  We take a peek at the clock.  Who will give in?

Not me.

Not him.

And then someone gets up fast and throws the blanket off as dramatic as can be.  Whish.  They lost.  Whoever it is.  They (him or me) stomp down the hallway.  STOMP!  And they go and rock the baby.  At this point and with three children, the game is completely and utterly TIED.  We have done our fair share of rocking and rocking and rocking…….

Domestic Bliss.

We all get to a point where we live in our routines and it is hard to break out. 

“Click, click, click.”  I hear him setting his alarm for 4:45 am. 

“KLONK!” the sound of my stroller opening up too quick as I go to pick up the girls from school.

“BUZZZZZZZZZZ”  I hear him making a protein shake before he leaves for work and the door closes, but not tight enough and some days I go down to shut it tight and lock it.

These are the sounds of our lives.  And they are completely routine.  When we have children and we “grow up,” (notice the quotes), we must play adults.  It kind of stinks.  Sometimes I see people going somewhere easily and I think to myself.  How nice?!  I see young people on Instagram just having fun.  For us adults with kids, it is hard to kind of get up and just go.  Everything changes.  We cannot fly by the seat of our pants.  Things have to be planned in advance, with enough notice.  And if it isn’t ON the calendar, it doesn’t exist.  “SQUEAK,” the sound of my marker on the board. 

Dance, 3:45

Birthday party 4:30-6:30

ADULTING IS NOT EASY!!!!

But, it is ok. 

Because I also hear the laughter behind the door of my two older children playing Barbie’s before bed.  Heeeheeeheee.

“Hi mama,” my little one says when she does ANYTHING.  “DADA, DADA, DADA,” she sings when she hears the train whistle.

“HI GIRLS,” he brightly says as he walks in the door from a long day, even when it isn’t a good one.  His voice always rings with happiness.  And right now, I tear up thinking about how hard that might be for him, some days. 

These are also the sounds of our lives.

And as the recycling truck comes down the street and our can lines the curb just like the others; I wonder if they know that the sound of their truck does not overshadow the blissful sounds in our hearts.

 

The Catalyst

“Isn't it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?”
― Sean Covey

Part of my journey is my honesty.  It kind of all started when I heard someone say something about me.  It wasn’t something that can wreck another person, but it was just enough to make me question everything.

This is mom life.

*************************************************************************************

Hi.  I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. Part of my authentic self is this and I’ve been neglecting it.  In fact, I have been neglecting a lot of things that make me happy.  And further, I have found moments and pieces of time where I actually feel lost.  You know why, because I’m human.  End. Of. Story.

Without going into too much detail, I left my kids with another mom for 5 minutes and then as I walked back up, I heard her berating me for it to someone else.  I had to put my baby down for bed.  My 7 and 5 year old were perfectly capable to be with a friend, without me.  But, it was said.  And, it was a catalyst for me.  I went home and cried.  Not for being talked about, but more so for all the times it might have happened and maybe I didn’t hear.  I cried for the separation between moms that will always be there as much as we try to change it.  I cried for myself.  I let myself have a little pity.  And then I kind of felt down on myself and people.

This mom life is even harder than high school and college combined.

But, the reality check is this.  It happens…

To all of us.  I wish it didn’t, but it does.  There is gossip.  There is FOMO.  There are clicks.  There is so much to deal with along with being a mom and a wife, a daughter and the CEO of our own lives.  We all have so much to deal with.     

There comes a point in your life when you must decide to change yourself.  You cannot change anyone else.  But, you can change how you view things and how you talk.  That is where I’m at now.

A mental shift.  For me, it happened yesterday.  (Even though this happened a few weeks ago).  I got to a certain point with people.  And I decided…we cannot let anyone else’s crap affect us.   

I just read this great post about how life is too short for crappy friends.  It is unrelated.  I’m not saying this person is a crappy friend.  She just made a crappy statement.  Even if it was taken out of context by me, it was still said.  It still had a negative connotation.  It was still wrong. 

But anyway, the post I read is one of those posts that I wish I had written.  Because it made me remember that in this life, the only thing we can do right, is be our authentic selves.  That is the only thing we should focus on.  The other stuff will always come; the friends, the wishes and wants, and the blessings.  Everything tends to come to you when you become who you are meant to be. Granted, I have had a lot of life changes going on.  I moved.  My baby turned into a toddler.  And, I had extra stresses of boxes, and permits, and trip-able sidewalk slabs that had to be fixed.  But I have neglected myself and what makes me happy.  And I have lost sight of who and what is giving me the most happiness.  I think I was focused on the wrong things amongst those pesky everyday problems.  And I kind of focused on the catalyst that allowed me to change my mind set.  I refuse to let it.

Nobody can have power over you unless you let them.

This person you are, this authentic person, will be a good teacher for your children.  This lesson I learned about my catalyst, is something I can use to teach my girls how to toughen up when there is talk.  Strength comes from WITHIN. 

Talk is cheap.

And you and your children will always be disappointed by people.  But the only way I am comfortable moving forward is with my forgiveness.  And I hope I can teach my daughters to forgive. 

And I hope they also know, that it is their hugs that can stop any rainstorm in my heart and engulf me with warm sunshine.  We are one.  We are family.  Nobody can break that.

“Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.”
― Socrates

 

 

 

The Mom Code

When my first daughter was 9 months old, I had her in a Gymboree class.  I took the class with an acquaintance from a neighboring town.  My daughter loved it.  That is where she learned how to walk, throw, and climb. One of the days, my daughter threw a soft, plush ball in the direction of another kid, which obviously wasn’t intentional at 9 months of age.  She was just learning how to manage that throw.  The mother took the ball and put it in her face and said, “That’s not nice.”  I looked around the room trying to process the situation in front of me, almost looking for someone else to give me the eye.  You know, the ‘I’m with you’ kind of eye.  Did that just happen?  Isn’t there some sort of Mom Code against this?  I was a first time mom so I just didn’t know if this is what happened; if moms threw other moms under the bus like that.  I wasn’t sure if the high school mentality was coming back with a vengeance, shaking its finger, taunting me.  “It’s not oveeeeerrrr!!!!” 

And so it was there, my first example of someone breaking the mom code.  6 years and 3 kids later….oh I am seeing and I am learning; what is appropriate and what is not?! 

Here are the top 10 Mom Codes to follow.

1.      Reciprocate.  If another mom picks up your child from school, at some point you should definitely reciprocate with a pick-up or a drop off.  Ditto for the playdate.  If someone takes your child at their house, have them at your house the next time.  We can only do what we can do though, so don’t break your back.  We all understand sick kids, new babies, and out of the ordinary situations.  But, if all is going fine, make sure you give back.  We should all try and make it a little easier on each other. 

2.      Don’t judge.  This is such a hard one because it is so easy to.  Just remember when you see a kid having a meltdown; that might be you tomorrow.  Or, maybe that was you yesterday.  We are all on the same train, heading in the same direction.  We all want the conductor to ring the bell in our honor when we are doing well.  But remember when we aren’t, the last thing we need is the chuckle, the wide-eyed look, or the under the breath comments. 

3.      Sick kids should stay home.  Maybe you don’t want to miss the party, but if your kid has a fever, stay home.  If your kid is puking on Sunday but wakes up feeling like a million bucks on Monday morning, keep them home.  You don’t want to spread the virus.  It is selfish to bring sick kids around other healthy kids, especially babies.  We, of course, don’t want our kids to be sick, but the biggest thing is the fact that it really messes up our sleep and our days if we are up all night with a congested/puking/coughing baby/child.

4.      Don’t discipline other people’s kids in front of their parent.  (The infamous Gymboree situation)  Your kid gets slapped by another kid at the park.  You aren’t sure if the parent sees it.  They probably did, but they pretend they don’t.  They don’t want to deal with it.  What do you do?  This is a hard one.  I always ignore the first time.  I tell my child to play somewhere else.  If the child follows my child and does it again, I will go up to the mother and tell her.  At that point, it is up to her.  If she doesn’t discipline her child right there, I don’t think I can judge.  Maybe she will at home.  Maybe she has a “no discipline” rule.  I don’t know.  I can only control my child.  I would hope they would fix the situation and try and raise a decent human being.  But, I am not sure it is my place to teach them that lesson.  I’ll just probably blog about it.  Ha!

5.      Don’t steal babysitters.  Friday and Saturday nights are always up for grabs.  But, if you know someone has a babysitter every Friday morning.  Don’t try to snag that sitter for the same time without asking the person.  Sometimes babysitters can be part of the family.  And sometimes it takes a while to find someone you trust.  It is easy to take a sitter from someone after they spent the time doing the grunt work.  Nobody owns anyone else.  And of course anyone (babysitters/moms) can go anywhere else.  But as a mom, you should ask first.  Most moms would say, “Well, I have her on Fridays but if you need her Mondays, go for it.”  Right?!  Most moms should share if they aren’t in need.  Just know that if you are sneaky about it or do it behind another mom’s back; it breaks the mom code. 

6.      Don’t brag.  Ok, we all have super, wonderful amazing kids.  We all think they are the BEES KNEES.  My kid can read at level Z!  “WOW,” we all think sarcastically.  Who cares?  If someone asks, share.  But, if nobody asks, nobody wants to hear.  Some kids might excel in sports.  Others might be great at art.  Some kids might be great dancers or gymnasts, readers or writers.  Every kid has strengths and weaknesses.  Tell the grandparents.  Tell the aunts and uncles.  Tell the people who really want to hear.  But to other moms, have a glass of wine and talk about something else.

7.      The food/drink code.  ALWAYS ask parents before offering food to their child.  I always ask if there are any allergies or anything they shouldn’t have if I have someone over for a playdate.  This hits close to home because my daughter has food allergies and I always pack her snacks.  Also, don’t judge anyone else for what they do or don’t feed their child.  If someone feeds their kids all organic beets, amazing.  If they feed their kids hot dogs and French fries, more power to you.  It’s all good.  Same goes for breastfeeding vs formula feeding.  Who cares what people choose to do?  Worry about yourself.  See Number 2.

8.      Let other moms vent without judgement.  I have a few friends who let me VENT for at least an hour each week.  The important part about letting other moms vent is that you cannot hold anything against them later on.  This is all a part of being a mom.  Sometimes it is HARD and the only other person who can understand is another mom with kids the same age.  So, let your mom friends have at it.  It doesn’t mean you don’t like being a mom.  It doesn’t mean you are a bad mom.  Everyone needs an outlet.  Be an outlet for someone else without judgement.  As a mom, that is the best code you can follow. 

9.      INCLUDE.  Make sure your kids include other kids.  Make sure you include other moms.  Bring someone else into the conversation at pick up.  Invite.  Plan.  We are all in this together.  Being a mom binds us.  Maybe we wouldn’t necessarily have been friends in college, but you better believe we have a tie that binds us all now.  So, remember that.  Be good to your fellow moms.

10.   Last but not least, Love yourself.  Being a mom means there will be times when you can’t shower or work-out; when you might miss the party.  Being a mom means your house will be a mess after breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Being a mom means there will be times when you have to put your needs aside for the sake of your children.  Being a mom means following a code and that code says that you have to put your children first.  You put them in front of everyone and everything else.  And never apologize for that!  You have to do what is right for your family.  If you miss a birthday party, a bridal shower, a vacation, a wedding, and/or you decide that you can’t make something work, it is your RIGHT to make the BEST decision for your family.  And, if they don’t understand, then that is their problem.  But, as a mom, it is part of our code of honor.  Remember that everyone has to do what is best for their family.  That is our code.  And love yourself along the way.  Because we are all doing our best and are all beautiful.

Being a mom entails so much.  We all see and interpret the world through our own pair of eyes.  But, if we can be kind to each other and remember to respect one another, we will be able to follow the Mom Code and we will all being able to feel united.  And when all else fails, choose love.

 

Brace for Impact

Having a baby changes your life.  I feel like I can’t put into relationships like I could before, right now.  I feel like I might miss out on things.  (FOMO!!!)  My body is taking a back seat to my baby.  I’m trying to talk myself out of nursing because I feel like I’ve done enough, but something is keeping me going.  But, with that, my body won’t go back to where it was.  My baby is almost 10 months but she is still getting up between 4:45-6:30 am so I’m tired.  Some days I’m BONE tired (a phrase my mom uses).  You know it is bad when you hear, “BONE!”  “Oh NO, BONE….it’s going to be a long one!”  The baby is at that stage where she is in need of constant supervision; my mobile Houdini.  She is a delightful handful.  It’s hard. But, nobody ever said it was going to be easy.  I think that was just the pregnancy hormones.  “Another baby?  Piece of cake.”  I know these are not real problems and are short term, (for the most part) but still, on those bone tired days, I might be/feel a little negative at times.  Like today, when my other two girls were with friends and I walked my baby up and down the block in a push toy for an hour.  1 hour.  I had to pinch myself.  Am I alive?  I’m so bored!  I was peeking in the windows of my neighbors.  Anyone out there?  The sky was gray.  The trees were bare. 

Hello?

It’s me.

For some reason I was thinking about wine….and then I thought about that flight that went down on the Hudson River. (As you can see my train of thought). I remember being obsessed with that story when it happened.  I listened to the tape from the flight cockpit over and over again.  I got chills when Sully said without passion or fear, “Brace for Impact.”  After hearing so much negativity and seeing so much sadness in the news, this story resonated with me, because it was heroic and positive and had such a happy ending.  When I brought it up to my husband, he was convinced it happened 10 years ago.  January 15th is the 7^th anniversary.  When I searched it, of course it magically showed up all over my Facebook newsfeed.  I (of course) clicked on a link to a video from a man who was on that flight.  He was a motivational speaker and talked about his experience on that flight and what he took from it.  It was a long speech and I (of course) didn’t watch the entire thing.  Who has time for a 45 minute speech?  What I did take from it was one thing.  He decided to take the negativity out of his life.  He said that there wasn’t time for negative thoughts in his life.  And, he didn’t fight with his wife for 2 years because of it. (The video was from 2011).  I thought to myself, how can I get there?  (I said that to myself through my tears as my baby screamed from the back of the car and I had to turn up the volume on my YouTube).  She hates the car!  What baby hates the car?  And my second thought was, “where is this guy?  You can’t tell me he still hasn’t fought with his wife….”

ANYHOO…..

Change our thoughts, change our life.  Flip the switch.  Is it that simple? 

That is my goal in 2016.  I don’t make resolutions.  I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on myself.  What I will do, is try and look at the positive side, especially as I’m knee deep in the grunt work of parenting. I’m in it.  But I think it starts with everyday decisions.  Like who we surround ourselves with.  Who we let into our life.  Who we let get to know the real us.  Who understands us?  I have a few friends that have stayed so near and dear to me through all my kids, especially my third.  They understand how hard it is when a new baby comes.  They come visit me.  If they want to see me, they know where to find me.  But mostly, they understand ME.  I want to surround myself with people like that.  I want to be with people who want to be with me.  It sounds simple, but I am not sure it is.  Because sometimes the balance of friendship is so fragile.  I want to be with the ones made of steel.

It also starts with our everyday talk.  What are we telling ourselves?  Sometimes my inner dialogue is so negative about myself. (Especially on days that I don’t shower).  I’m so… (Insert negative thought).  If we tell ourselves these things, we will feel it.  We have to tell ourselves positive things.  Look at how I just ROCKED dinner time.  Nobody screamed.  Yay me!  Look at these funky PJ pants that I have been wearing for two days.  At least they are colorful. 

I need to stop that talk and take action for myself.  I need to find time to take the class, the shower, see the people I want to see.  Find things that lift me up.  Because it is hard.  It is a balancing act.  And I need to embrace the moments of pure happiness.  Maybe it is a pedicure, a dance class, or having a little alone time with one of my kids.  Maybe it is sleeping in, a cup of coffee with REAL creamer, or seeing how happy my daughter is when she gets flowers from her daddy before their Girls Scout dance.  Maybe it is sneaking a little chocolate bar hidden in the back of the refrigerator. (even though I have cut out sugar).

Maybe it is just having time to be me.  I want to be me with no apologies.

Because I don’t have to be the perfect parent or wife or friend.  Nobody does.  It isn’t realistic.  But I can be me.

In 2016, let’s all just vow to be ourselves.  Even if we have spit up on our black shirt.  Even if we are up a few times a night.  Even if we have more moments of lugging and shlepping, and wiping our 4 year old’s poopie butt.  Even if…..

It doesn’t matter.  Because there is always time to be happy.

It all starts with ourselves.  We have the power.  2016 is going to be a great year! 

“Brace for Impact!”