Blink

When you close your eyes, can you picture yourself strutting to the bars in your 20’s, looking for Mr./Mrs Right. You declare, “I don’t need a man, “and dance until your legs give out with your arms thrown up in the air. I was the type that would pour beers on my head and allow others to pour it on mine; all in the name of fun. I would drink floaters on the way to the bathroom (College!!—I know gross). No rules.

Flash forward to when you do find the person. Bars don’t seem as appealing. Priorities change. Everyone gets full-time jobs and the idea of staying out until 3 am is a thing of the past. I would rather go to long dinners with good food and company; call it a night at say...around…11?! Does that seem fair? All of the sudden, you can’t wait to wake up early so you can have your cup of coffee and start your day.

And now, I sit here looking at my 2 beautiful, lovely girls with bright pink dresses on, French braids, and headbands; eating a snack. They are relaxing after a long day in the pool. My little one just took a stick of butter out of the refrigerator and took a bite out of it. Awesome. But truthfully, I wish for and want nothing more.

You know what happened, I blinked.

It is kind of crazy and scary that it all seemed to have happened in an instant. We get older, our parents get older, and then all of the sudden Jennifer Lopez is 44. I remember when she was dancing on “In Living Color,” just yesterday. This is how fast it all goes. It happens in an instant.

My oldest is turning 5. By the time you read this, she will have turned 5 already. For someone like me, who wasn’t sure I could even have a baby, this is amazing to me. But truthfully, it is amazing for every parent. To know that you put in all of your time and effort into raising these children, and here they are, having birthdays (thankfully) and growing up. Time is marching on. They are getting older and we are shaping them and at times, trying to keep our patience and keep them in line, and wait…keep ourselves completely sane (no easy task).

Thank goodness that she is amazing. She is so sweet and polite but at times sassy and resistant. She has the biggest, boldest imagination that I have ever seen. She loves sparkles, headbands, dresses and dolls. She has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She is the star of her beautiful life. I am so proud that she is my daughter. I hope I can help her be the person she is meant to be. I hope I can do her justice.

Because when I close my eyes, she is laying on my chest in the hospital, so small and sweet. I couldn’t believe she was mine, and I still can’t believe it.

After all, even though I blinked, I was able to see it all. If I close my eyes, I can see the dancing and the drinks, the laughter and the tears. I can see weddings and wakes, birthdays and baptisms. I can see the babies clearly; I can see the first steps, first words, and the firsts of many. I can see it all. And when my daughter blows out her candles, I will make a wish. I will wish to try and make it count. Because I know that I will blink again and this 5th birthday will be another beautiful memory to look back

The Starbucks Syndrome

My husband and I always shake our heads in disbelief when we pass Starbucks. Who are those people and how do they have the time to sit with a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in the middle of the day? We want to be them. Doesn’t that sound luxurious? Let’s go relax with a caramel macchiato in hand and a blueberry scone in the other. Or, let’s just meet at Starbucks and chat about nothing at all. I mean, it isn’t like you pass Starbucks and it is ever empty?! There is always someone there sitting at the table with their computer (working from home?) or with someone else at the table chatting it up (business meeting?). Or are people just pretending to be busy? Who knows…

The whole idea of Starbucks is to belong to something bigger than ourselves. The coffee is good but the idea of the coffee is better. It is the ritual. Sometimes ideas are actually better than the reality of it. I don’t drink coffee anymore so for me, the idea of iced green tea from Starbucks is definitely better than the actual drink. The Starbucks Syndrome. Parenting is a lot like that.

We have it in our heads, the way we think we should be, or the way we think we should parent but the reality is that we will never live up to the ideals, and that is ok. I don’t want to throw the TV on mid-day, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I need to. I know I should be creating a craft or being involved. But, I honestly need the down-time. So, I do it. It isn’t ideal. It is necessary. Oftentimes, we find out that we do things because they are necessary, because this is reality, and because we live in an imperfect world. Ideals are what we can strive for, but we don’t have to live up to them on a daily basis.

And I have to be ok with that.

We have ideas of the way we think things should go, birthday parties, trips to Disney, beach days, pool days, etc. They never go the way we think it will go. They will never be that cup of coffee with a newspaper on a Tuesday at 10 am.

This year, I have decided to scale down my daughter’s birthday party. I always did the big party at the big place. The truth is, I know my daughter and I know that she doesn’t need all that. She will be happy with cake, her family, and her best friend. That is enough for her. When I go above and beyond and try to perform the “ideal,” it is really never what she wants. The “ideal” falls flat for both of us. I want her happiness over the big party. It just isn’t her cup of tea. So, we will see how it goes. I feel guilty but that is on me. Scaling down is what she needs AND what I need right now in my life, for all of us. I’m setting the over the top ideals, aside.

Because what is it all really about? Nothing is going to ever be what we think it might be. It will never go as planned. It will never be the best of the best, the greatest day of all. And even if we get that cup of coffee on that Tuesday afternoon, it won’t be what we see when we drive by. When we drive by, what we don’t realize is that nothing is ever what it seems. Maybe the person sitting there is lonely or jobless. Maybe, if we get that moment, we will sit there and think to ourselves, this is nice, but you know what would be nicer?!

Or maybe we would wish we were home, with our family.

Showing Up

When I look back, I see my husband holding up our 4 week old baby and her pooping everywhere, on his arms, on his shirt, and all over the bassinette. I remember laughing so hard through sleep-deprived tears and thinking, it is official. He’s a dad.

I remember watching him run down the street toward me, pushing the stroller with a screaming baby inside, wondering what to do?! Take her out, I thought. “It never goes as planned,” I told him.

And it doesn’t. But, you know what, he continues to show up with a smile and do the work.

Now, I see him turn off his alarm at 4:45 am and get out of bed. He puts in long days and then gets home and puts his kids to bed, our kids. He spends time reading books and giving baths. He is so tired but he knows this is his only time with his kids, so he works through his sleepy eyes and shows up for them with a smile, every day. He shows up for me. He shows up for them. He always shows up and he always does the work. He always chooses us. To me, that is a real dad; someone who continues to do the work even when he is tired, when he works hard, when he doesn’t have a minute to himself. My husband; he shows up. He is a phenomenal father. He is a happy father who spends time teaching his girls. I think he learned from the best, his dad.

I think about all the dads out there…

I see a dad at a barbeque with his 3 kids while his wife works on her final project for school. He changes diapers, cuts up food, and makes sure everyone is well- taken care of every step of the way. I see him at the town pool the next day, following his 1 year old daughter around the pool, while watching his 3 and 5 year old children. I get a warm feeling inside, seeing a man who truly does man up.

I see a grandpa holding his granddaughters, one in each arm. He never sits down. If they want him, he puts down whatever he is doing to play with them. He tickles and hugs. He spins and dances. He puts in the time, tenfold…to all of us. My dad, an extraordinary dad and grandpa.

I see a random dad on a random day running around the playground, chasing his children. They are laughing and squealing at the top of their lungs. So much fun. I think to myself, that is what dads are for. They are so good at playing, chasing, and making their kids belly laugh, that special belly laugh. Sometimes I believe it is reserved just for their dads.

These dads: the dads that man up, show up, make their kids laugh, read with them, play with them, provide for their family, take the time, do the work; they deserve to be recognized. There is nobody more generous than them.

Let us not forget that.

Happy Father’s Day to all the extraordinary dads out there who show up and do the work with a smile. We love you. Thank you!

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.”

~Author Unknown

The Selfie

The Selfie: How do we teach our children to treat their “self” with worth and love, but without self-entitlement and ego?   And to what end does a selfie conspire to create, advance, embellish or improve one’s self worth?

My husband, who isn’t on facebook, instagram, or twitter, made me laugh so hard the other day.  He was like, “I don’t get the selfie.  So people turn their phone around and take a picture of their face and then put it online?  Without the Eiffel Tower behind them?”  I couldn’t stop laughing.  He is so against the selfie.  I guess he is old school that way, if you can be in your 30’s, old school that is.  I responded, “This is what people do now.  Do you want me to send you a selfie of me tomorrow…with the background being my pots and pans cupboard?”  Because that is where we are at.

He was like, “no thanks.”  I laughed again. 

Look, I am not against the selfie.  I will never take a selfie of just me and upload it anywhere online.  I’ll always throw a kid in there or a friend or 2.  More power to the people who can, I just can’t.  I’ll take a selfie if I just got my makeup done and send it to my friend with the caption, “I look like a clown.”  This did happen.  But truthfully, the selfie represents something more in our world, changes.  Shifts.  Our world, us, our youth; we are all changing.  Do I sound like an over the hill weirdo?  What has happened to our youth?  But truthfully, is the weakness of the youth now nothing more than a tortured fragility of narcissistic survival? What is it in a selfie that makes one happy? Is it the image? Is it the idea of the image? Or the drive to produce “Likes?” Or the constant feedback loop of self-indulgence? I am at a loss to understand.  And the scary thing about it is; what if they don’t get those “likes,” they so need? Does it cause depression? Is that what might be driving up the teen suicide rates or the homicidal behavior?  I don’t know.  It all stems from the morphing values of our society; they are less important, more trivial.  And those things can be captured with one image, one snap, one flash; the selfie.  Click.

1.    self

self; plural noun:

A person's essential being that distinguishes them from others,

synonyms:

ego, I, oneself, persona, person, identity, character, personality, psyche, soul, spirit, mind, (inner) being

I thought it was interesting that the first synonym of the word “self” is “ego.”  We all have egos, yes?  We all don’t want to fall behind.  We all want to be a part of something.  We all want to show our best selves.  Social media gives us that option.  But there is a point when all of this stuff becomes disingenuous; when moments become less real and more for show.  We don’t want that.  I saw 3 young girls at the movie theater putting their heads together to take a selfie before the movie started.  They spent the next 5 minutes uploading the picture and waiting for responses.  They all stared at their phones and didn’t talk to each other.  As I said before, to me, the whole scene looked disingenuous.   Fake.  Phony.  All for show.

I am not trying to take anything away from anyone.  I’m just trying to think about things as a whole.  I’m thinking about my children too.  I’m thinking of all the young children.  How we can steer our children the right way, away from the self-indulgent society we live in now.  It shouldn’t all be about us, me.  It should be about something more than that.  I’m not saying we need to live for others.  Of course, we have to live for ourselves and grow ourselves, absolutely.  I’m growing every day and trying to learn from mistakes, etc.  But, I am trying to do it in a genuine way.  Trying!  I don’t think I’ll take a selfie and say, “Look at me learning from my mistakes.”  Cheese!  Click.  Upload.  Wait.

But, I guess we need to teach our children to think outside themselves.  How?  By leading the way.  I don’t know; by steering them away from things like the selfie, the check-ins, the waiting for validation.  “A person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others,” should be shown in ways that actually distinguishes from others.  That is one’s self.  Make a real impact.  That should be shared and valued.  And I’m telling you, I know it can’t be shown by a selfie on a random Tuesday that was taken 25 times to get it right.  Pictures should capture essence; a family photo; a little girl giving someone a flower; a husband and wife on their anniversary; real genuine laughter; a mother holding her son.  Moments captured.  Those are pictures to be shared and valued as well.

Let’s think outside of ourselves.  Let us influence others through the way we live everyday not in what we show in an uploaded instant.  Let us make our “self” better by doing more for others.  Maybe it is time to get away from the useless self-indulgent "wants" and look at the real "needs" of the present. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to look within oneself rather than of your exterior smiling selfie looking back at you.

A special thanks to my dad and husband for helping me get my thoughts clear about the “selfie.”