Strength in Numbers

Isn’t it true that we all just want to fit in?  We want to be part of something bigger than ourselves but to be able to BE ourselves in the group; to be unique in our own right.  To have others accept us for who we are, whether we are quirky, silly, funny, authoritarian, quiet, loud, faithful, faithless, open, happy, etc…

We want to be ourselves but we want to fit it.

I take a dance class every Tuesday and Thursday evening.  I really love it.  I am only about 5-6 classes in.  I’m still learning the routines.  Everyone else has been coming for years.  They know each other and all the moves, hip sways, hand motions, and side-steps.  I’m pretty quick at learning the steps but I’m brand new so I’m still catching on.  Before class, they all sit in a circle together and chat.  I kind of stand on the outside of the group.  It is so funny that even at my age, I feel like I wish I could be sitting in the group also.  I mean, they are MUCH younger than me.  My mom laughed when I told her.  “Oh Noreen.”  “What?  I wouldn’t mind sitting and chatting before class.”  My mom’s advice was not to get to class early.”  Ha!!  I mean look…I’m completely ok with it and comfortable in standing alone.  But, of course we always want to feel a part of something.  Why wouldn’t we?  Nobody wants to be the one who is standing alone. 

Have you seen or “liked” the facebook page, “Happy Birthday Colin.”  It has over 2 MILLION ‘Likes’ on facebook.  It is about a boy who is turning 11 who didn’t want a birthday party because he said he doesn’t have any friends.  He eats lunch alone in the office every day.  His mom created a fan page to send him positive thoughts and messages to make his birthday special.  As I write this through tears, I know that he is going to have the most beautiful birthday ever.  All because of one fact, there is strength in numbers. 

I really think it is amazing what the power of positivity can do.  It can move mountains.  More importantly, it can crush negativity.

As a parent, you pray to God that your child is not the one who eats alone or stands on the outside of the group.  But, I guess we cannot control that.  What we can control is a way to combat the negativity, just as Colin’s mom did. She found a way; a mother always finds a way! 

We as parents can find a way to teach our children not to be the bullies, but to be the ones who unite with others against the negativity of our world.  And if nobody is standing up for good, we need to teach our children to be the ones who stand up alone and say, “you can eat with me,” or “come sit with us.”  Our children need to be confident enough to stand out against everyone else (the haters) and do the right thing, despite any backlash they may receive.  And I guess we also have to teach our children to be strong enough if we have to sit alone.  There are always people who love us; that our family will always accept us.

I know it is easy for me to say this.  I lived through middle school and high school.  I know that the world is vast; it is bigger than the hallways of our schools.  It goes beyond the end of our neighborhood street.  I know that now.  I can say this though, those feelings don’t completely dissipate.  They always linger somewhere, even if it is just a passing thought.  They are there.  We all need connections.  But in middle school, that is all we know.  Those feelings are big and encompassing.  So, we (as parents) have to remember this as we move through our daily life.  We have to consistently remind our children to be nice to everyone, even the little boy who sits alone.  We have to.  We need to.  Do not forget it. 

When I tried to teach this to my 2 year old, she responded, “POOPY!!!!”  I mean, I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.  A little premature, yes??!  But, it didn’t fall to deaf ears with my 4 year old.  She said she will try to talk to the little girl in her class who doesn’t speak or smile.  I said, “Yes, try every single day.  Even if she isn’t smiling on the outside, I’m sure she is smiling on the inside because someone is trying!”

Colin’s life is about to change and I am so happy for him and his family.  His mom proved there is strength in numbers.  And, we are doing a pretty good job at teaching people to be kind and inclusive.  But, let’s also think about all the other boys and girls sitting alone.  They don’t have 2 million “likes” on facebook.  They are just moving through their life, trying to find a connection; they are hoping to find friends who understand them and want to sit with them.

It starts and ends with teaching the right thing to the youth!  Have a conversation with your children.  Tell them to be inclusive and accept others for who they are.  TEACH THEM TO BE BRAVE!  Plant the seed, let it grow, and maybe one day, nobody will have to eat alone. 

Here is Colin’s page.  Give it a like.  Send him a happy birthday wish!

https://www.facebook.com/#!/Coliniseleven

Little and Insignificant

If I get elbowed in the boob one more time, I might officially lose it.

My husband always says, “People have been having kids since the beginning of time.”  In other words, I don’t want to hear about the fact that you are getting elbowed.

“Yes but were they all elbowed in the boob 100 times a day, or is that just me?”  Is every Mom getting elbowed there?  I mean, I cannot picture those cavewomen getting elbowed as they tell their kids to go pick up the rocks, but that is just my opinion.  It is the most annoying thing.  It must be this weather.  We are trapped inside trying to barrel through the days indoors. The snow and ice is covering our grounds and our SOULS!!!!!  The ice won’t thaw and my kids won’t stop climbing on me all day long and elbowing me as they get comfortable.  The Perfect Storm!  (Insert the sound of thunder)

I’m glad you are comfortable?! –That is what I say to myself as they lay all over my body.

We all have our own daily struggles.  But, I will not let mine drown me.  They are trivial; getting elbowed, hearing whines, battling doll fights; meeting demands…little and insignificant.  I am blessed for that.  I guess I have to look at it that way.  Otherwise, I will focus on the uncomfortable elbowing as something of great consequence and that is when the little things can drown me.  I’ll want to scream and shout about it and then what does my life become when I am harping about something like that?! 

Can you believe I am getting elbowed every single day by my beautiful little daughters? 

Who would I become?!  Someone unworthy of them…

I’m trying to slowly teach my daughters about this concept as I remind myself.  The concept that little and insignificant problems of life do not matter much.  We cannot focus on them.  We have to focus on the bigger picture of life.  Right?  With that, knowing when to walk away and realizing how to choose our battles is how we cope.

My 4 year old came up to me this morning and said, “My doll is missing a shoe.”  So.  “Can you still play with her,” I asked?  “Yes, but…”  “Yes, you can.  Take off the other shoe and go play.”  If we make a little non-issue like that a big deal, how will they cope with the bigger things throughout life?  We are setting them up.  Will they even be able to cope throughout life as they try to find their way?  I think it could create more problems for them.  A little thing becomes a big thing.  OH MY GOD, A MISSING SHOE…HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY PLAY WITH IT?  WE MUST FIND IT!!”  No, they need to be able to brush certain things aside as insignificant.  And also, I am not going to search an hour for a needle in a haystack.  (Coming soon, how to de-clutter my house)

And then I have to remind myself to apply the same concept in my own life.  Last week, a friend said something to me that offended me.  It was completely a joke but at the same time, it was completely unnecessary. I know in my heart that it meant nothing.   It was both little and insignificant.  So, I chose to brush it aside.  It actually happened 2 times last week by 2 different people.  I chose to brush both comments aside.  I chose not to talk about it with anyone.  I did not allow it to influence the opinion I have of myself or of them.  It does not affect the bigger picture; our friendship. 

By understanding the difference and weighing our options, we can decide what is most significant to us. 

Health, well-being, bullying, family, name-calling, hitting, biting, friendships, happiness…all significant!

A meaningless comment, a missing shoe, an uneaten sandwich, marker on the pillow, who gets the Ariel doll first, getting elbowed in the boob…all insignificant. 

Women have been having babies and being Moms since the beginning of time, yes.  But, there is only one you and each child is unique and special, and each child comes with their own bags of both significant and insignificant concerns.  Knowing the difference is half the battle.  And teaching our children which is which, that is our job.  They follow our lead.

Good luck out there Moms!  I hope you have insignificant problems today!

Speed Bumps

A note to my husband

I’m sorry.  That is the first thing I want to say to you; actually it is the only thing.  I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry for being a mom.  I’m not sorry for having children, I’m sorry for having to be a mom first.  Nobody tells you that being a mom will be all encompassing.  Nobody tells us that being a wife takes a backseat for a little while.  Nobody says we might have to weather the storm because of it.  Nobody tells us how to do it.  But, we always do and we always will.  So, I’m sorry.  I’ve made mistakes.  I’ve forgotten at times, how to be a wife. 

I admit, sometimes it is hard to always remember to put in that effort.  That is why we need reminders; why we fell in love and where it all started.  It started with me and you.  I’m sorry.  I promise to try and be both (a wife and mother) at the same time, in the same thought, and of the same place.  I will always try.  But please don’t ever forget that I love you if I can’t be all of that at once.  And please forgive me every day.

All my Love,

Noreen

Yesterday, I was driving my children all around creation dropping off and picking up from school, etc.  When we got home around 3:30, I had a friend’s 4 year old daughter at my house too; 3 little girls and paint.  Needless to say, things got a little out of control.  Around 4:30, I was googling how to get crayon off the walls. (Nail polish remover and a paper towel).  From 4:47-4:50,(I remember because I had to look at the clock 45 times) my 2 ½ year old was sitting in a time-out, crying, and my daughter and her friend were making paint “milkshakes” and things were dripping and dropping and I was losing it!!!!!!!!  CHAOS!!!  But, guess what…that is life.  That is kids.  It isn’t easy.  It takes patience, all of our patience.  All the patience we were born with…everything that we are and everything that we have.  It only takes all of that, right?!  It only takes EVERYTHING!!  No biggie.

But, it is a biggie.  It is a big deal.  It is everything we are.  Sometimes it has to be the only thing.

Maybe our husbands and significant others get it?  And maybe they don’t?!  If they don’t, it is ok.  How can they possibly understand?  It is absolutely impossible to understand what it is like to be a mother.  We want them to, so badly.  But, unless they walk 100 miles in our shoes and switch their hearts with ours, it cannot happen.  What we DO need is a teammate.  Simple.  We just need to see the same light at the end of the tunnel; one direction.

And then I remembered…I got that.

After my long day, I went to the gym which started the process of easing my mind.  Then, I came home and sat on the couch with my husband.  Sometimes I feel like getting into deep conversations with him, talking about inspiration and the point of life, etc.  (What can I say, I’m a writer).  He patiently listened and responded, talking about how crazy these years are but how different our lives will be in a few years and beyond that.  I talked about what inspired me at the moment and what didn’t.  He listened.  He responded.  I talked about the people in my life I treasured.  He agreed.  I talked about how much I’ve changed.  And does he still love this me?  He does.  I talked and talked.  He listened and listened.  After 8 weeks of sleepless nights, I finally slept through the night, soundly.  Yes, I’ve got it. 

My husband and I just celebrated 16 years since the first time we met and it has made me reflect on us.  We have had so many highs and lows.  We’ve made mistakes, survived major loss, and watched the people we love go through heartache.  But, we will always weather the storm, together.  We just will.  We just have to, because I have a teammate.  I know that when I have a good moment, I want to tell him and when I am going down, only he can save me.

And I know now what I knew then; we are both looking the same way. We are looking in the same direction, toward our future.  The speed bumps of marriage are only that, speed bumps…they give us a little jerk and shake every once in a while but then we know after that, we are in for a smooth ride. 

This is life.  And if we are blessed to share it with someone we love, we are that much luckier.